Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7130 times)

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't wastethem on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - Kebab in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride!

A guy walked into a bar ---- Next time he ducked.

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this... A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of Latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. She answered, "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working...

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup, accompanyied by his wife. The doctor checks him out and then says, "We're going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, and a stool sample". The old man, hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "What did he say?" His wife shouts back in his ear: "He wants your underwear"

Trent, My favorite one is the "find x". I hope he got full credit!

Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the Net 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9. You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.” 8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. 7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems. 3. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 2. The last mate you picked up was a JPEG. 1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed.