Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7293 times)


Mayo

    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    You can't fix stupid....

    MM# 4597 / HF #941




    Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

      Several scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting to 100. Everyone else starts hiding, except Newton - he draws a square that is one meter by one meter and stands in it. When Einstein opens his eyes, he finds Newton standing in front of him. Einstein says, “Newton’s out! Newton’s out!” Newton denies it and claims that he is not Newton. “I am standing in a square with an area of one square meter, which means that I am actually Pascal…..since one newton per square meter = one pascal. “So, really, Pascal is OUT.”

      Run to Win
      24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




      Gotta TRI

        My wife came out of the bathroom after weighing herself and procalimed " I think I"ve lost some weight." I smiled and patted her bottom and said " I think I've found it." and that's when the fight started.
        2010 Dec. California International Marathon 2011 Jan. Disney Marathon


        Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

          Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

          Run to Win
          24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




          Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

            Five Secrets to a Perfect Relationship... 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4 It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

            Run to Win
            24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




            Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

              I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let 's get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you.... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it..' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love m e for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

              Run to Win
              24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




              De-slacking in progress

                The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian Soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?' This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

                started running @ age 48 [lost 70#+, quit a 30 year pack/day habit>> ran HM]  Ran a few years then quit. Gained 70#+ back and smoking like before. Time to get healthy again @ 52 years over with the C25K program and beyond again. RE-start date 1-13-14


                A Dance with Monkeys

                  Ha! I heard that Brazilian joke about a year ago. The only difference was the name of the President.
                    Ha! I heard that Brazilian joke about a year ago. The only difference was the name of the President.
                    Heh. Me too.
                      The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.' As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.' ''Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
                        long but funny HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


                        Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                          Run to Win
                          24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




                          Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                            The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term: This year's term was Political Correctness. The winner wrote: "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." - R. J. Wiedemann Lt Col. USMC Ret

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                            Top 'O the World!

                              A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The Sheriif verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your badge! Show him your badge Smartass!
                              Remember that doing anything well is going to take longer than you think!! ~ Masters Group


                              Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                                Wow, been over a month since somebody's added a joke. Better bump this... An Irishman went to confession. "Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys." Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week, for the last two months." This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied. "Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys." At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

                                Run to Win
                                24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)