Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7289 times)

    Dumbass. There's 15mins of my life that I won't get back. BTW: Only works if you pronounce "Lever" with a N American accent, not with a British one. So thanks for nothing.
      I'm speechless. That's hands-down the worst joke I've ever spent 15 minutes reading. Well played.
      2009 Goals:
      PR 5K (Ha, current 43:10)
      Run a 10K
      Meet Seasonal Weight Loss Challenges
      Complete my first Sprint Tri


      De-slacking in progress

        yes- I sat here and read the whole thing- arrrrgggghhhhh Smile

        started running @ age 48 [lost 70#+, quit a 30 year pack/day habit>> ran HM]  Ran a few years then quit. Gained 70#+ back and smoking like before. Time to get healthy again @ 52 years over with the C25K program and beyond again. RE-start date 1-13-14


        Old, Slow, Happy

          O.K I've not had time to get on this site for two weeks. Now I wasted 15 minutes reading this. How do you feel about that Angry?????? I'm guessing you feel good about it!!! You should (I guess) Smile


          De-slacking in progress

            The Dying Man A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies baking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left, but he gets out of bed and crawls downstairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. Just as he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled old hand reaches out, smacks his hand and she yells: "No, you can't have those ! They're for the funeral !"

            started running @ age 48 [lost 70#+, quit a 30 year pack/day habit>> ran HM]  Ran a few years then quit. Gained 70#+ back and smoking like before. Time to get healthy again @ 52 years over with the C25K program and beyond again. RE-start date 1-13-14

              FOR THE WOMEN ~ Dear Kotex: I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as: 1. Staying active during your period can relieve cramps 2. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. 3. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. 4. Try Kotex blah, blah, blah other products. Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell, but go ahead. I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait. While you’re at it, dump out all of the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches and cramps. Well, guess what? The only activities that interest me are eating, sleeping, bitching, or crying for no apparent reason. And, oh, does ripping someone’s head off count as a frigging activity??? Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful’ crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol and barbiturates. Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It’s not a fun time, and DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery, cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There’s nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don’t you just add an in-store microphone to the damn package and announce that . . . HELLOOOOO! Another female in the store is on the rag!!! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies and the smiley faces and shove them right up your a$$. PS - How about adding a free sample of Pamprin or maybe a shot of bourbon to your packages instead?

              Leslie
              Living and Running Behind the Redwood Curtain
              -------------

              2014: May - MDW 70-Miles (w/Trail Factor 50k) - Cascade Crest, WA/Astoria, OR/Portland, OR

              June 7 - Grasshopper Peak Redwoods Run 30k - Humboldt Redwoods State Park, CA

              July 12 - Mt. Hood 50 - Mt. Hood, OR

              Oct 11 - Firetrails 50 - Lake Chabot, CA


              "The farther you go outside, the farther you go inside." (Unknown)
              Ultrarunnerpodcast

              Trail Runner Nation

              Fatozzi


              Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? To consider these questions mathematically, let use represent the alphabet numerically by identifying sequence of letters (A,B,C,...,X,Y,Z) with the percentages (1%,2%,3%,...,24%,25%,26%). Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11)% = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5)% = 96%. But A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5)% = 100% and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20)% = 103%. And just look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7) = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work or knowledge will get you close to 100%, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

                Run to Win
                24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




                De-slacking in progress

                  The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN............. NOW SCROLL UP.. That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a glass of wine.

                  started running @ age 48 [lost 70#+, quit a 30 year pack/day habit>> ran HM]  Ran a few years then quit. Gained 70#+ back and smoking like before. Time to get healthy again @ 52 years over with the C25K program and beyond again. RE-start date 1-13-14


                  De-slacking in progress

                    A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. 'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?' I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.' He hands the shotgun to the homeowner 'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.' If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog! Shocked Shocked

                    started running @ age 48 [lost 70#+, quit a 30 year pack/day habit>> ran HM]  Ran a few years then quit. Gained 70#+ back and smoking like before. Time to get healthy again @ 52 years over with the C25K program and beyond again. RE-start date 1-13-14


                    Looking gooooood ;p

                      I heard this on a radio programme we have over here called "Fighting Talk" where sports pundits and comedians get together on a Saturday morning in a light-hearted competion....and I know you all will apreciate this... Anyway, the question posed in this case was, "After the US Elections, which sportsperson do you equate with which politician...?" To which one of the comedians responded immediately with, "Paula Radcliffe is like Sarah Palin - she'll still be running in 2012 and she'll still get beaten by a Kenyan!"
                      The best route to run is one which takes you furthest from the staff canteen....


                      just a simple cat

                        Golf Club Sign. Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona : 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF. Big grin

                         

                        Running is stupid

                          This is why it's so hard to diet... And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, “Supersize them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad. And Satan brought forth ice cream. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's.

                          Leslie
                          Living and Running Behind the Redwood Curtain
                          -------------

                          2014: May - MDW 70-Miles (w/Trail Factor 50k) - Cascade Crest, WA/Astoria, OR/Portland, OR

                          June 7 - Grasshopper Peak Redwoods Run 30k - Humboldt Redwoods State Park, CA

                          July 12 - Mt. Hood 50 - Mt. Hood, OR

                          Oct 11 - Firetrails 50 - Lake Chabot, CA


                          "The farther you go outside, the farther you go inside." (Unknown)
                          Ultrarunnerpodcast

                          Trail Runner Nation

                          Fatozzi

                            The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. May I help you?' she asked. I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam. No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from? The man replied, 'South Dakota.' Really!' she said. 'I have family in South Dakota.' I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer (I work for attorneys, so I'm allowed to post this. Big grin)

                            Leslie
                            Living and Running Behind the Redwood Curtain
                            -------------

                            2014: May - MDW 70-Miles (w/Trail Factor 50k) - Cascade Crest, WA/Astoria, OR/Portland, OR

                            June 7 - Grasshopper Peak Redwoods Run 30k - Humboldt Redwoods State Park, CA

                            July 12 - Mt. Hood 50 - Mt. Hood, OR

                            Oct 11 - Firetrails 50 - Lake Chabot, CA


                            "The farther you go outside, the farther you go inside." (Unknown)
                            Ultrarunnerpodcast

                            Trail Runner Nation

                            Fatozzi

                              Old men may walk slow BUT think F A S T In Queensland an elderly gentleman had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the man decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer he noticed it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He politely made the women aware of my presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' He frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up , 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
                                No matter what you say, he will be mocked. http://www.truveo.com/You-Mock-Me/id/2535744137
                                And maybe there's no peace in this world, for us or for anyone else, I don't know. But I do know that, as long as we live, we must remain true to ourselves. - Spartacus