Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7131 times)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A conservative, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.  The conservative looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”

The waitress nodded “yes,” so the conservative requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a libertarian, with a hunched back.  He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.  He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”

The waitress nodded, so the libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a liberal on crutches.  He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there honey!  How’s about gettin’ me a cold mug of Miller Light?”  He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the liberal directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the conservative, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”  The conservative felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the libertarian, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”  The libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the liberal, who immediately jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m collecting disability!”

Why does Irish Chili only have 239 beans?

One more bean would be twofarty.

I haven't read through all of these yet so I hope this one hasn't been posted.

  In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that  using a bit of imagination was OK to express the  truth differently without lying. Below is a  perfect example of those  teachings:

  Getting a  Hairdryer Through Customs

  An  attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland   asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a  favor?'"

  "Of course child. What may I do  for you?"

  "Well, I bought my mother an  expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is  unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm  afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any  way you could carry it through customs for me?  Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

  "I would  love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I  will not lie."

    "With your  honest face, Father, no one will question  you."

  When they got to Customs, she let the  priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do  you have anything to declare?"

  "From the  top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to  declare."

  The official thought this answer  strange, so asked, "And what do you have to  declare from your waist to the floor?"

  "'I  have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on  a woman, but which is, to date,  unused."

  Roaring  with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,  Father.


  Next  please!"

Two women are talking about relationships and sex.

Woman 1: Do you smoke after sex?

woman 2 (thinking for a little while): You know what? I never checked.