Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7123 times)

IDIOT SIGHTING:

You can't fix stupid....

My wife came out of the bathroom after weighing herself and procalimed " I think I"ve lost some weight." I smiled and patted her bottom and said " I think I've found it." and that's when the fight started.

Five Secrets to a Perfect Relationship... 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4 It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian Soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?' This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

Ha! I heard that Brazilian joke about a year ago. The only difference was the name of the President.

Heh. Me too.

long but funny HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term: This year's term was Political Correctness. The winner wrote: "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." - R. J. Wiedemann Lt Col. USMC Ret

Wow, been over a month since somebody's added a joke. Better bump this... An Irishman went to confession. "Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys." Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week, for the last two months." This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied. "Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys." At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."