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husbands cant tell it like it is. (Read 369 times)

Runslowalksalot


    My wife  is a good athlete, she's done many 1/2 and 1  full marathon, lots of triathlons including 2: 1/2 iron distance races .  We both went on a particular training program at the beginning of the year (MAF) with full knowledge that it takes a couple of months to see any real results.    She saw negative results and after 6 weeks went back to her home, zone 3.  I stuck with it through the agonizingly slow runs and 2 months in started  to see some  return.    Now, 5 months in I'm lighter, faster, and almost as strong ( I kept up my weight routine despite it being off limits according  to the program)

       She's now at a plateau and gaining weight.   She complains about it to me, but when I calmly told her why this is happening, I got my head bitten off.    She's read all of the books and knows what's going on, but is too stubborn to do anything different than what she knows.

      If she wasn't my wife I'd go off on her for having such tunnel vision and not seeing that doing more of the same will only strengthen her early peak and stagnation.

      I don't know what to do.  She's a lifelong athlete with high school cross coutnry records she set 20 years ago still unbroken, but she's now 30 or more pounds heavier and  in a rut.   Part of it may be that she was a motivator for me to start running again a couple of years ago and though I've always been relatively fit,  now I've passed her running fitness level.

        Nothing I can say directly to her about her situation will do any good for her or me, by  it hurts me to see her this unhappy.

     HELP!


    Feeling the growl again

      She has to want it.  If she doesn't, not much you can do.  Marriage or no, you can't help people until they want to help themselves.

      "If you want to be a bad a$s, then do what a bad a$s does.  There's your pep talk for today.  Go Run." -- Slo_Hand

       

        After having been married for over 20 years I've long since figured out when it's time to shut up (this scenario sounds like one of those times).  Smile

        jimmyb


          Let go of the story of your wife in your head, and get back to the now. Know the difference between "what is" now and the belief system you've formed in your head about her. The past is no more, and never was.  See her as she is, and consider not trying to change her. She's doing nothing wrong as far as I can see. Let her be unhappy, it will change, trust in her strength and power to create. Make no move to control her, just listen. And as Shipo said, there are times when silence is golden. This may be one.

          Log    PRs

            From the perspective of a wife, yeah.....she has to decide this on her own. Just keep doing what you're doing with your running, and don't try to convince her in any other way.

            HF #8206

             

              ffs.

              Runners run.

                Do you have kids?   I could graph my weight versus how my kids are doing.  It goes up in proportion with their difficulties.  My 21-year-old has serious ones, so I have a real problem right now.  My husband sounds a lot like you.  He means well, but he can push too hard.  But I see HIM trying hard to keep the weight off, so that does help motivate me.  I'm trying once again to lose weight - I should lose about 25 pounds.  For me, Weight Watchers works well, but everyone is different.

                 

                One other idea.  I KNOW that I eat to "reward" myself.  I'm discouraged about my son, so I reach for M&Ms.  I've made a deal with my husband that each day I exercise and track my calories, he will give me a short neck and back rub.  I try to remember that when I'm tempted to pig out.

                ShuffleFaster


                  Lots of good advice in this thread.   As a member of the 20-plus year marriage club, I can relate to shipo's comment.

                   

                  OP:  I obviously don't know either of you, so please take what follows with a grain of salt.

                   

                  When your wife complains to you, she probably isn't looking for you to come up with a solution (as an athlete, she  knows full well what's going on).  It sounds like to me she wants to know that you still love and just as importantly, respect her, despite her change in appearance and athletic prowess.  (This sounds like a cliché, but what runner doesn't get insecure when we gain a few pounds and our performance suffers?)

                   

                  My advice:  don't judge or compare her--spouses can sense that a mile away even if it's not spoken.  Listen, support, encourage, and avoid giving advice unless she asks.  Don't take her for granted: look for ways to show (not just tell) her that you love and respect her unconditionally. Try to do something to make her life a little bit easier every day.  She needs to know in her gut that you're really her biggest fan even if she never runs another step.

                   

                  Also, please consider the notion that perhaps the problems with training aren't the real underlying issue.  I've found over the years, that when DW is unhappy, the root cause can often be traced back to me letting another priority get in the way of our relationship.   Once I get my act together, the marriage gets back on track, and everybody is happy.  Therefore, make sure your work, training, hobbies, etc. aren't getting in the way of your marriage.  Better yet:  you might even consider going to a marriage strengthening workshop--the insights you both can gain from this can be really valuable going forward.

                   

                  Good luck!


                  Vader Herder

                    She's frustrated, and understandably so, and probably mad at herself because she didn't stick with it like you did. It's very valuable that you see that.

                     

                    Now, I say this both as a runner and as a wife of 14 years: She needs to put on her big girl panties and own her lack of progress.

                     

                    That's not a popular response, I'm sure. But I put myself in your wife's position; if I'd done the same, who do I have to blame? MYSELF. She needs to get her head out of her own arse and stop biting your head off. And you, my friend, need to stop treating her gently over this. You've obviously tried, and that's not the approach that yields positive results, so ignore it.

                     

                    Best of luck to you.

                    River Run Half Marathon, 09/07/14 - my 39th birthday!

                    Youth Challenge 5K 09/14/2013  36:41.2

                    Stomp the Grapes Half-Marathon Relay 11/5/2011 


                    CT JEFF

                      It sounds like both you and your wife have made assumptions.

                      You assume you know what will work for her. She assumes she knows what will work for her. She's having a hard time. Stop trying to tell her what you think is right. I am glad you had positive results, but she doesnt need to know what you think she is doing wrong. You should be able to complain to each other without the other offering advice. "My calf hurts" - 'Well of course it does, I told you not to do hills after your race day!' Cant she just complain?

                       

                      My DW tried saying the other day, "I dont know how to lose weight" (or similar) I said, "yeah you do, you just arent willing yet to do it" - Possibly over the line, but what she said wasnt "I wish I could lose weight" (which I could bite my tongue) but actually stating it in a way that she was in need of help.

                       

                      Lastly, I have also seen some great results due to my diet and exercise. It is hard, but remind yourself to be humble.

                      RUN SAFE.     Barefoot 1st: 6/9/13. PR: 5k=22:50 10k=47:46 HM 1:51. FM 4:28

                      Sept /27 Sat. 9am (scheduling conflict) Hogsback HM -

                      October 11 Sat 8am Hartford Marathon.

                      November 15 Sat 12:30pm- Spartan Race with DW in Fenway

                      Jan 1 Gordys First Race. 10k. Jan 18 Disneyland Star Wars HM 5:30am

                      Chris Pinney


                        I would suggest telling her you are thinking of getting a  coach or something to that effect. Maybe that would spark something for her. It might be easier to take advice from a third party. Good luck.

                        Jess Calloway


                          bap


                            Enter her for her next race in the Athena division. She'll get the idea.

                             

                             

                             

                             

                            You won't be surprised to hear that I'm twice divorced.

                            Age 52

                            2016 Targets - 100 - 13.2s, 400 - 62s, 800 - 2:30, Mile - 5:40


                            Still kicking

                              My first wife was a college cheerleader, scholarship athlete. 6 years later, at over 230 pounds, she divorced me for a guy who loved his donuts and beer. Sometimes these stories don't have a happy ending.

                              Runslowalksalot


                                Let go of the story of your wife in your head, and get back to the now. Know the difference between "what is" now and the belief system you've formed in your head about her. The past is no more, and never was.  See her as she is, and consider not trying to change her. She's doing nothing wrong as far as I can see. Let her be unhappy, it will change, trust in her strength and power to create. Make no move to control her, just listen. And as Shipo said, there are times when silence is golden. This may be one.

                                 

                                Yup.   Thanks for all of the responses.   It's not like she's not running, just in a mental rut.    As someone stated, she'll figure it out. In the meantime, it's Sunday morning an I'm headed out for my long run.  Smile

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