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Something's rotten in Denmark... (Read 854 times)


Now that was a bath...

    So it's a normal morning. I get up, get the breakfasts ready, shower, pack the lunches, ask my 16 year old daughter if she can drop Jake off at school. 'Not today Mum.' Alice calls out 'I've got a lift with Soraya'. No problem. I pack up the stroller and off we go, locking the door behind us. Now I walk fast. Very fast. It takes me about 30 minutes to walk there, chat to the other Mums and return. I get home at 8:55am and I am early because I don't go to the shops for once. I put my key in the door and realise that it's not locked. That's a little strange. I locked it when I left. On the inside of the door I see my daughter's pink key and in that moment I know something is amiss. For her key to be in the door she must have opened it to let someone in. I hear music from her bedroom and I wonder why she isn't at school yet. I walk down to her room and push open the door and guess what I see? Alice, on the bed in full action with a boy that not only do I hate, but that is banned from our house because he stole my daughter's phone and made death threats to her last year. I looked at them. They looked at me. Jeff said 'Oh shit'. I looked at Jeff. I said 'Jeff. I am one Mother F*$king scary lady and if I was your skinny little Samoan arse - I would be dressed already and out my f*$king house.' I reckon it took him less than a minute to disappear. WTF!!!! Alice shot straight to school with a very scared look on her face. Now we have already done the sex education thing as from the age of 15 she was in a long term relationship (long term for a 15 year old anyhow) and we had talked it all over and I knew that she had become sexually active around 16. It is really hard for a parent to deal with this but I think I have been really cool with it and relaxed but I am so mad with her right now. Alice says that her and Jeff are dating now and that I just have to get over it and accept him - but I really don't want this wanna-be-gangsta in my home. What would you do? Would you punish your daughter in this situation? Would you give Jeff a chance despite the history? It's my biggest fear that she will get pregnant young (I was a teenage Mum) - or worse get a disease that destroys her life. She actually dated Jeff for about six months before and it was when they split up that we had all the problems and he stole her phone and trashed loads of her stuff. I hate that my daughter wants to be with this boy. Sorry about the totally off topic vent but this just happened 10 minutes ago and I needed to get it off my chest. Claire xxx
  • jlynnbob "HTFU, Kookie's distal tibia"
  • Where's my closet? I need to get back in it.


    Needs more cowbell!

      Ugh...Claire, that is a really awful situation to be in. In my experience bad boys don't change. My first serious BF was a bad boy--though not really in a destructive, obvious sense like with this guy (he was a *good* Baptist boy, but a manipulative, bigoted control freak), but my first BF is now a convicted felon. I don't even have a clue how you should handle this. Though I would say that since it's your house, as long as your DD is in your house she needs to live by YOUR rules. The only problem I can see with this is that she will run around behind your back with this guy...*sigh* Sad I hope someone else comes along with some personal experience and good advice for you. I would say that since you know they are sexually active that you make sure that she ALWAYS has condoms. She shouldn't count on him to protect them. k

      I shoot pretty things! ~

      '14 Goals:

      • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

      • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

        Oh, Claire, you have just lived my worst future nightmare & my daughter is only 7!! Obviously, I can't give you advice as a mom who has been through the teen years, but I can give the daughter perspective, perhaps? I wasn't a bad kid. I had excellent grades, participated & excelled in every available extra curricular activity, sports & leadership. I didn't do drugs, I did drink but never drove or rode with someone that was. However, I had a thing for guys that were older than me (not my dad's age, but over 18 which is considered statuatory ra[e in Michigan, willing or not). And I had a thing for some of the bad boys too. Not terrible bad, just good ole boys that liked to have too much fun. My parents banned me from seeing one particular boy as he was in college & I was, well, definitely not of college age. This, to me, was a challenge. How often could I see him, what could I do with him & what all could I get away with? I took the challenge seriously & though it got me in considerable crap with my parents several times, I kept at it. Not necessarily because I was in love with said boy, but because it royally pissed my parents off! This is a fine line to walk. I'm referred to amongst family & friends as the "Nazi Mom" because I'm so strict. I'd like to think that I would put a serious smack down on the horny gangsta boy & my rebellious daughter, however I know how this worked out during my teen years. How much does Alice know about your past? Is she willing to hear ANY of the "don't make the same mistakes I did" lecture? Ask her if she has REALLY examined her feelings for the little shit (ok, you may want to rephrase that part) & does she remember anything that happened with him last time? Maybe don't tell her that she CAN'T be with him, but that she should really examine her feelings & what has happened in the past & decide if some offenses are forgivable. And as much as you don't want Jeff around, you don't want your daughter to spend all of her time trying to plot against you either. If she is insistent on continuing the relationship, perhaps you should consent but say that there needs to be ground rules until everyone is more comfortable with the situation. For example: 1. 8:55 is time to be in school, not doing the nasty. 2. Until Jeff can prove that he has changed his bad behavior of the previous year, any time together needs to be spent in your supervision. Not saying that you need to hover over them as they make out on the couch, but they can spend time together at your house where you can be assured that he is treating your daughter with respect. 3. You would like to take the time to get to know Jeff a little better & maybe you'll then understand his past bad behavior & maybe you call all come up with ways for Jeff to better handle his psychotic tendencies. 4. Reiterate the safe sex talk. Clarify that while you are thankful everyday that she is there, raising a child when you were so young was one of the hardest things you have ever done & you just don't want her to go through the same things. 5. Make sure she understands that you understand...that you were once young & stupid, and while you recognize she needs to make mistakes & learn lessons, your job as a mom is not to be her best friend, but to protect her & raise her to be the best person she can be. That is all the advice I have for now. My heart goes out to you, Claire. Count to 100, do some non impact exercise to burn off some excess energy & anger & think things through until you can talk calmly. Oh...and capitalize on the fact that they are both probably scared shitless of you right now!! Evil grin Make sure they know that if the ground rules are broken, you will be one f*#@ing scary lady!!!!!!!! Good luck! Eryn
        So do not get tired and stop trying. - Hebrews 12:3


        Misinformation Officer

          Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. I'd gather some info on dating violence, esp geared to teens, b/c that destructive behavior is not likely to change. Your dau needs to see that she deserves better. (This has nothing to do with your parenting. Most teen girls are like this.) Dating violence is a huge trap for many teen girls, esp. if they end up pg. Best wishes to you both.
            Thumbs up to what Eryn said! Wish I could offer more advice than she has but I can't (my dd is only 5) Good luck and (((HUGS))))

            Your toughness is made up of equal parts persistence and experience. You don't so much outrun your opponents as outlast and outsmart them, and the toughest opponent of all is the one inside your head." - Joe Henderson


            Dog-Love

              Welll you sure can't stop those hormones from exciting those youths but youv'e done a great job with the sex ed and you probably want her inear your influence and not in a sleazy room away from home. I had a hands off mom who gave me "Our Body Ourselves" for my 13th birthday. She wanted most for me to go to college and not have kids before I was out. She said she didn't mind me having sex but I think she really did. She had 3 girls and we all turned out fine despiite some earlly adventures. Of course HIV was not an issue nor were most of the crazy STDs. Lots more to worry about these days and I am sure your daughter iis aware of that. I'd say keep her busy and see if she wants to run a 5K with you. We have some amzing boy and girl teenagers who seem pretty darn happy about themselves and they are awesome runners. My friend has her daughter extremely busy with horses hoping they will distract her from her hormones which are now kickign in at 13. We shall see. My daughter is 11 and not at all there yet. Bound to happen though Good luck and I'm sure you love your baby girl a lot. WOW don't they grow up fast
              Run like you are on fire! 5K goal 24:00 or less (PR 24:34) 10K goal 50:00 or less (PR 52:45) HM goal 1:55:00 or less (PR 2:03:02) Marathon Goal...Less than my PR (PR 4:33:23)
              Scout7


              CPT Curmudgeon

                This is why I am not having girls.
                  Wow what a tough situation. While pregnancy sure wouldn't be ideal for her, STDs would be my primary concern if I were you. She needs to really understand the emotional and physical responsibilities that go along with her actions, an STD like herpes can stay with her the rest of her life. Please make sure she has some condoms and USES them. It doesn't mean you are consenting to her behavior but you have to put her health as a priority here. She is probably gonna *do the nasty* whether you consent or not, but she needs to be safe. Hope everything works out. Undecided
                  ---- Cynthia
                    Sad I have no advice for you, Claire. I'll be thinking of you!

                    Roads were made for journeys...


                    Now that was a bath...

                      Thanks everyone - especially Eryn. Eryn that really helped - to be reminded that Alice has a perspective too. As horrible as yesterday was for me I don't think that it would be top of Alice's Favorite Day list either. I've got a bit of soul searching to do before I figure out what route is the right one to take. Sometmes I think that we set her up to do this by banning him from the house. A secret liason is so much more fun to a young woman it seems! Life sure is complicated sometimes. Claire xxx
                    • jlynnbob "HTFU, Kookie's distal tibia"
                    • Where's my closet? I need to get back in it.
                        Lots of good advice going around for a not so good situation. There is really no easy answer. I agree that you need ground rules, with clear consequences. And running away is clearly against the rules. One - The thing that bothers me most is she lied to you and broke your trust. You trusted her to get a ride with Soraya to school, and she neither got a ride nor went to school. I think she needs to hear that. You can no longer trust her - she needs to build that up. Do you need to escort her to school? Hopefully not, but maybe for a week until she gains that trust again - and it will embarass her so she will go very quickly on her own without you! She needs to know you are disappointed, but she can earn her trust back, little by little. Two - what everyone said about health and safe sex, except from a med-student perspective. Dont trust her to get her own condoms - buy her some and tell her you expect her to use them every single time she has sex with no exceptions. (Yes, this is back to a trust issue!) And remind her that if they are expired or have been sitting in her wallet, she needs to buy (or ask for!) new ones. These conversations are usually easier when someone other than mom and dad initiate. I spent a few days in an adolescent clinic and the docs there were really great about letting parents express concerns, and then kicking them out and talking about sex, drugs, etc with the teens. If there isnt an adolescent clinic in your area, I would take her to her pediatrician or a gynecologist who deals with teens (not yours! that would make her feel really awkward!) and have them talk to her about STDs, pregnancy, risks, etc. An internist or Family Practicioner also work. If she is going to be sexually active, she needs to be responsible. Three - make sure she knows that you love her and want whats best for her. You have very high expectations and believe that she is only limited in life by her imagination. (College, career, whatever she is thinking about). You do not want to let this interfere with your relationship (as a loving mom, not a best friend!) and you want her to hear that you are really proud of her for x, y, and z. I know you are thinking about one thing with her right now, but both of you need to remember all the things she does well that make you proud. Four - enjoy your own wonderful relationship with your husband! Not only is this good for the two of you, kids learn about relationships and love from their parents. Show appropriate affection to your husband when she and the other kidlings are around (hugs, saying I love you, that kind of stuff.) Demonstrate compromise, disagreements, etc. And include him in your dialogue and plan. Five - make her pack lunches. At least her own, but preferably her sibs too. Or make dinner a couple days a week. Or something. She clearly has too much free time and needs more responsibility. This is not punishment, but if she is going to live in your house, she needs to be part of the solution. This will also help keep her busy and give her something to be proud of. Six - at least you know she is healthy and normal. If you werent worried about her, and she didnt have out-of-control hormones, I would be more worried. In some ways. Seven - talk to those who are involved in her life. Her teachers, her councelor at school, her coaches, her friends parents. She will hate you for this, but if her friends think that skipping school to be in bed with a guy is acceptable, then their parents need to know. (I might not be so explicit in recounting the event - maybe just mention that you know the two of them missed school once and were hanging out.) And teachers need to be aware so they can talk to parents, coaches, councelors, other students, and lay out ground rules about missing class (maybe they could start calling home if kids miss class....)


                        Needs more cowbell!

                          Abby, you're gonna make a great doctor! Big grin k

                          I shoot pretty things! ~

                          '14 Goals:

                          • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                          • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


                          A Dance with Monkeys

                            I have two daughters. They are not teens yet. One is already gonna be trouble. Jeff gets put in jail for trespassing. Jeff is lucky still to be alive. Around these parts, down where I live, I can shoot tresspassers dead and get off with maybe a warning. And Lil girl gets her bedroom moved to the closet next to Harry Potter's, down there under the stairs. Lock from the outside. No keys. No car. No cell phone. It is no longer needed since lil girl just lost all ability to be out away from parental supervision. Maybe in a year. Or two. If she is good. Then maybe she can have some freedom back. Oh, and make her babysit some unruly toddlers. That is good birth control. Boys use girls. Even if she has a crate of condoms, he won't use them. She needs to understand all this. And that she can die from having sex with this 16 year old. And if the sex doesn't kill her, you may. Abs is a good medical student. She knows my kids. She knows I mean business. I especially like #5. I would basically make Lil miss adult responsible for much of the house, including laundry and dishes and scrubbing the toilet. This is not a punishment, this is shared responsibility. That is, if she is so intent on trying to be an adult...
                              I can't believe any man was foolish enough to wander into this thread. And I'm wandering right back out. I'll ask just one obvious question: where's your husband on all this? What's he think?
                              This is why I am not having girls.
                              That about covers it.
                              E-mail: JakeKnight2002@aol.com
                              -----------------------------


                              Dog-Love

                                This is why I am not having girls.
                                And boys are not trouble???
                                Run like you are on fire! 5K goal 24:00 or less (PR 24:34) 10K goal 50:00 or less (PR 52:45) HM goal 1:55:00 or less (PR 2:03:02) Marathon Goal...Less than my PR (PR 4:33:23)
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