Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7081 times)

Funny!

Hmm. Wasn't he the one who posted the video of that car going like Mach 4? Maybe when mama ain't around papa don't drive so slow...

Nope. I'm slow. The Atom accelerates like a banshee and grips like a.. grippy thing, but it's top speed isn't that crazed due to nasty aerodynamics and the fact that it doesn't have a windshield. did

You might be a runner if... hearing the soundtrack to "Rocky" gives you goose bumps. you wear a black, plastic sports watch with your dress clothes. you can remember a time from a race 4 years ago, but you can't remember your friend's birthdays. you are not embarassed to show someone where your hamstring "really" hurts. you know your resting heart rate, maximum heart rate, and exactly what your heart rate is at all parts of your run. you wear your running shorts underneath your work clothes so that you can quickly get running after work. you love shoes...running shoes. you won't drive by any running store without a quick look inside. you know exactly how far a kilometer is. you have more old dirty shoes piled by the door than a farmer. you've seen Chariots of Fire at least 5 times. you read each month's issue of Runner's World cover to cover within 24 hours. you get excited when you hear that there is a new Gatorade flavor. you not only know how you did in a race, but you know exactly how every other runner finished. you spend at least 25% of your income on running stuff.

zoom-zoom, my daughter sent me this. Based on the boxing cat you have on your posts I thought of you. Enjoy. Give A Cat A Pill.... 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance. 8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap. 9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow. 10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water. 11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band. 12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom. 13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. 14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree. 15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap. 16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own. 17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from eye. 18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter and adopt a goldfish. Author Unknown

Now that's escarGOOOOOOOOO!

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

I've just started a job with the Samaritans, just the other day I rang in sick but they talked me out of it!