Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7297 times)

Mishka-old log


    Hairy Potter
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    rectumdamnnearkilledem

      One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. " Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"

      Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

      remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

           ~ Sarah Kay


      Team HTFU NCTR Driver

        The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey f*****d a penguin!" "Dopey f*****d a penguin!"




        #2867

          "What floors, please?" asked the hotel elevator operator, and a young man at the back of the car called out, "Ballroom, please." At which the man in front of him turned and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

          Run to Win
          25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)

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          rectumdamnnearkilledem

            Why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6 and 12. A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, dad?' To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy. 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...............

            Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

            remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                 ~ Sarah Kay

            Relocated NE


              *LIZARD BIRTHING* If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience", I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron. We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea, "I closed my mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
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              rectumdamnnearkilledem

                Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
                Ha! Big grin

                Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

                remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                     ~ Sarah Kay

                  ROFL...too funny!

                  Michelle




                  Swadvad

                    An American, Russian, and a Blonde were talking at a party. The Russian said, "We were the first in space." The American replied, "We were the first on the moon." The Blonde then said, "We're going to be the first on the Sun." The American and Russian laughed and said, "Don't be crazy, you will burn up." The Blonde excaimed, "Do you think we're idiots!? We're going at night!"
                    Relocated NE


                      There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday, your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".


                      #2867

                        Soichiro Honda died and went to Heaven for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him." St. Peter took Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am." "Well," said Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your design: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speed; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. The monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs." "Hmmm," replied God, "You do raise some good points. Let's have a look." God went to His celestial computer, typed a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed but, according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

                        Run to Win
                        25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)

                        Neil Gunn


                        Gandalf the Grey

                          The Office Dares: New objectives for this week... ONE-POINT DARE 1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. 2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. 3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way". 4. Walk sideways to the photocopier. 5. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 6. When in the lift with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you. 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..." 8. Don't use any punctuation. 9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh. 10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen. THREE-POINT DARES 1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. 3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''. 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again. 7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout. 8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites. FIVE-POINT DARES 1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave". 4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two". 5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour. 6. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!" 7. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!" 8. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 9. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist. 10. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. 11. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 12. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 13. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight". I'll be interested if anyone can get to 100 points in a week....without losing their job. :-) Neil

                          Running ... just keep running!


                          #2867

                            8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites.
                            Does it count if you are the IT person and you had somebody call you about that?

                            Run to Win
                            25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)

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                            rectumdamnnearkilledem

                              12. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
                              I REALLY want to do this... Wink k

                              Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

                              remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                                   ~ Sarah Kay

                                I REALLY want to do this... Wink k
                                Go ahead. I dare you. Tongue

                                Michelle