Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7297 times)

Neil Gunn


Gandalf the Grey

    I REALLY want to do this... Wink k
    I saw somebody do this today (the person they did it to did not know anything about the dare points)... fortunately it all passed without incident! I'm still waiting to see who gets 100 points in a week! N

    Running ... just keep running!

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    rectumdamnnearkilledem

      Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

      Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

      remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

           ~ Sarah Kay

      SXC Beast


      Planeteer

        If any of these have been posted already, sorry. Tongue There were three men on a cliff standing infront of a genie. The genie looked at the three men and said. "If you leap off of this cliff, and say the name of anything in the world, you will turn into what you said." The first man lept off of the cliff. "EAGLE" The man turned into an eagle and flew away. The second man lept off. "CARDINAL!" The man turned into a cardinal and flew off. The third man ran up to the cliff, but he tripped on a rock and fell off. "Oh Crap--!" --------------------------------------------- Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply. "Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and.." but before he could finish, he heard Roger call "But both my legs are broke." Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was "They're broken too!" So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, "You right there mate?" to which Rodger replied,"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........" ---------------------------------------- Once president Bush went to a school to interact with them. After a brief talk with the children he asked them if they have any question to ask him. One boy raised his hand and stood up; Bush: what’s your name ? John: john Bush: what’s your question? John: sir I have three questions 1) why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO 2) where is Osama 3) why do America support Pakistan so much Bush: you are an intelligent student john… (Just then the bell for recess rang) oh dear students, we will continue after the recess is over. After the recess: Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question? Peter raises his hand Bush: What’s your question? Peter: sir I have 5 questions. 1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO 2) Where is Osama? 3) Why do America support Pakistan so much 4) why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time 5) Where is JOHN?
        SXC Beast


        Planeteer

          A little Halloween(kinda) humor for you guys! Big grin Bed sheets An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
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          rectumdamnnearkilledem

            There were three men on a cliff standing infront of a genie. The genie looked at the three men and said. "If you leap off of this cliff, and say the name of anything in the world, you will turn into what you said." The first man lept off of the cliff. "EAGLE" The man turned into an eagle and flew away. The second man lept off. "CARDINAL!" The man turned into a cardinal and flew off. The third man ran up to the cliff, but he tripped on a rock and fell off. "Oh Crap--!"
            Oh, I love this...this was one of my brother's favorite jokes when we were growing up--it STILL makes me laugh 20 years later! Smile k

            Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

            remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                 ~ Sarah Kay

              Naming your child There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, "The first one was a girl." The mother: "What did you name her?!?" Brother: "Denise!" The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?" Brother: "The second one was a boy." The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?" Brother: "Denephew." Big grin

              Michelle



              IMSIRunner


                What do you call bees that make milk? BooBees
                5/4/2008 Eugene Marathon "The Journey of 1000 Miles Starts With a Single Step" Tvccrunner1@aol.com
                  What do you call bees that make milk? BooBees
                  I love that one! Big grin I have a magical dancing duck A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

                  Michelle



                  PWL


                  Has been

                    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

                    "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be' - she always called me Elwood - 'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.'  Well, for years I was smart.  I recommend pleasant."

                      Marrying A Pennsylvania Girl Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper. Gotta love those Pennsylvania girls!!

                      Michelle



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                      rectumdamnnearkilledem

                        We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: Smile means a smile and Sad is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?' Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass

                        Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

                        remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                             ~ Sarah Kay


                        You'll ruin your knees!

                          A young guy from Texas moves to California & goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close & see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing & he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department & I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department & sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook & you sold him a boat & truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife & I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'" Lynn B

                          ""...the truth that someday, you will go for your last run. But not today—today you got to run." - Matt Crownover (after Western States)


                          #2867

                            A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

                            Run to Win
                            25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)

                              Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world." The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer. Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. "How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods

                              E.J.
                              Greater Lowell Road Runners
                              Cry havoc and let slip the dawgs of war!

                              May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your SPF30, may the rains fall soft upon your sweat-wicking hat, and until you hit the finish line may The Flying Spaghetti Monster hold you in the hollow of His Noodly Appendage.

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                              rectumdamnnearkilledem

                                **WOMAN'S LOVE POEM *** **Before I lay me down to sleep, ** **I pray for a man, who's not a creep. ** **One who's handsome, smart and strong. ** **One who loves to listen long. ** **One who thinks before he speaks. ** **One who'll call, not wait for weeks. ** **I pray he's gainfully employed. ** **When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. ** **Pulls out my chair** **and opens my door. ** **Massages my back and begs to do more. ** **Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. ** **Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" ** **I pray that this man will love me to no end, ** **And always be my very best friend. *** * * **MAN'S LOVE POEM *** **I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with ** **huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, ** **and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This ** **doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit **

                                Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

                                remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                                     ~ Sarah Kay