Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7297 times)

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rectumdamnnearkilledem

    The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

    Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

    remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

         ~ Sarah Kay

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    rectumdamnnearkilledem

      Zoom-zoom and backroadrunner Wink Blush had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties and used them. Her friend however, was wearing a expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them and she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon, so she proceeded to use that. After they were finished with their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife (wait...I thought this was about Eryn and me... Confused ) was still in bed, very hung over. He phoned the other husband and said I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties" `` That's nothing '' said the other husband, `` Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... ''FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU''

      Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

      remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

           ~ Sarah Kay

        Big grin I like that one!

        Michelle




        Another Passion

          ROFL at your last two Zoomers! Big grin I wish I had funny jokes to post. Sad

          Rick
          "The will to win means nothing without the will to prepare." - Juma Ikangaa
          "I wanna go fast." Ricky Bobby
          runningforcassy.blogspot.com

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          rectumdamnnearkilledem

            I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

            Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

            remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                 ~ Sarah Kay

              I went to the Mall the other day and bought a teddy bear for £5, I called it Mohammed, and later sold it for £10. ................. Now that's a Prophet!
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              rectumdamnnearkilledem

                I went to the Mall the other day and bought a teddy bear for £5, I called it Mohammed, and later sold it for £10. ................. Now that's a Prophet!
                That's beary punny! Wink

                Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

                remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                     ~ Sarah Kay


                #2867

                  A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies, "Making a baby." The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."

                  Run to Win
                  25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)


                  #2867

                    A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a redhead. I'm going SOUTH for the season (gotten from LBD)

                    Run to Win
                    25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)

                    jEfFgObLuE


                    I've got a fever...

                      A bus full of Kennedy assassination buffs touring Dallas is hit by a car, and several of the conspiratorialists are killed. Their souls are whisked straight to Heaven, where like all newcomers, they get a brief welcome from God himself. After explaining where the bathrooms are and what time dinner is served, God throws the floor open to questions. "Ask me anything," he urges them. "In the Hereafter, we have no secrets." One of the conspiracy buffs immediately asks: "Can you tell us who really killed President Kennedy?" God, nodding solemnly, replies: "Sure. It was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone." The conspiracy buffs turn to one another, wide-eyed. "Holy smokes!" exclaims one. "This thing goes higher than we thought."

                      On your deathbed, you won't wish that you'd spent more time at the office.  But you will wish that you'd spent more time running.  Because if you had, you wouldn't be on your deathbed.

                        They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins: 1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'


                        Fool

                          Q: What did the snail say when riding on a turtle? A: Wheeeee! ------ A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Doing his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "take it easy Dear, can't you see I'm trying to taper off?" ------ A blond couple is sitting in bed at 11:00pm when the phone rings. The man picks up the phone and says, "How on earth would I know?!?! It's hundreds of miles from here." His wife asks, "Who has that?" "No idea", he replied. "Just some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."


                          #2867

                            A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start." The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email." "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job." The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

                            Run to Win
                            25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)

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                            rectumdamnnearkilledem

                              They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins:
                              OMG, Joni...those were ALL awesome! Big grin

                              Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to

                              remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.    

                                   ~ Sarah Kay


                              Top 'O the World!

                                I didn't scan to see what's in here yet.... Choosing A Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
                                Remember that doing anything well is going to take longer than you think!! ~ Masters Group