Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7289 times)

Lisa3.1


    For some reason, my post was duplicated. Can't delete a post, so just erased it. If I could actually delete a post (as on other boards), then you wouldn't have seen it to begin with. So no--not quite the same meaning.
    That makes sense. Got it.
      the virgin joke virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. * * * * * * * * * A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. * * * * * * * * * 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. * * * * * * * * * Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." * * * * * * * * The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." * * * * * * * * *

      "The drops of rain make a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling." - Lucretius


      Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

        A boy asks his Grandma: "Grandma, have you seen my pills?, they were labeled LSD..." His Grandma replies: "Pills?!?! Who cares about pills? Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!?"

        Run to Win
        24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




        De-slacking in progress

          BUMP

          started running @ age 48 [lost 70#+, quit a 30 year pack/day habit>> ran HM]  Ran a few years then quit. Gained 70#+ back and smoking like before. Time to get healthy again @ 52 years over with the C25K program and beyond again. RE-start date 1-13-14


          MM #5616

            I just found this thread (bored at work) and its great! Not sure if this one has been posted yet: Its Christmastime, and three guys find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out to interview them. He says, "If you have something in your pocket that symbolizes Christmas, you can enter heaven." The first guy digs in his pockets and pulls out a lighter. He flicks it and says, "This is a candle." St. Peter lets him in through the gates. The second guy finds his car keys in his pocket. He jingles them and says, "These are bells." He, too, is allowed to enter. The third guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of ladies' panties. St. Peter looks shocked, and says, "What are those?" "These are Carol's."

            I hammered down the trail, passing rocks and trees like they were standing still.

              "These are Carol's."
              Ha. Nice. No comment on the serendipity of the name in your signature line. Although that got a ha, too.
              E-mail: JakeKnight2002@aol.com
              -----------------------------

                Okay, like everyone else - sorry if this has already been posted but this is such a long thread I'm not sure if I've read through all of it yet. -------------------------------------------------------------- A new doctor takes up residency in a hospital that specializes in sexual disorders. On his first day, he is walking down the hall getting a tour of the facility and he is appalled to see a man standing in the middle of the hallway masturbating. Everyone else seems to think there is nothing wrong with this, but he has to ask, so he turns to the doctor that is giving him his tour and asks "What is wrong with that guy?" "Oh, he has a rare condition called SOD - Semen Overload Disorder. His body produces semen at an alarming rate, unless he ejaculates twice an hour he will die." "Oh" the doctor says, and they continue down the hall. Around the next corner he is taken aback again by a patient in the middle of the hallway getting a blow job from a nurse. "And what is wrong with that guy?" he asks "Same condition, only he has a better health plan."
                Rundadrun27


                  A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.. A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more!. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. We don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives. 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'


                  Needs more cowbell!

                    I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'
                    OMG...I think that might be the best punchline to a joke...EVER! Big grin

                    I shoot pretty things! ~

                    '14 Goals:

                    • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                    • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

                    Rundadrun27


                      A Scottish Student In England.... A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!" "Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
                      HOSS1961


                        I am not sure if this one has been on yet but: A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen", she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J.Titsengolf."
                        HOSS 2009 Goals Have a healthy back and run w/o pain! Drop 15 pounds gained while injured
                        HOSS1961


                          Another... NEW JOB OUTSOURCING I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!!!!!!
                          HOSS 2009 Goals Have a healthy back and run w/o pain! Drop 15 pounds gained while injured
                          HOSS1961


                            Rolling now... A man from Kentucky walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to London on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Kentucky man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Kentucky man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The Kentucky man replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?' Ah, those Silly Kentucky Rednecks; this one's name was BUBBA!
                            HOSS 2009 Goals Have a healthy back and run w/o pain! Drop 15 pounds gained while injured
                              Another... NEW JOB OUTSOURCING I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!!!!!!
                              Sorry dude. Not appreciated.


                              Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                                A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. "So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

                                Run to Win
                                24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)