Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7196 times)

    Ok here's my try: Man walks into a bar and sees a big jar stuffed full of $5 bills on the back shelf. He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says he's been having a contest that costs $5 to enter and the winner gets all the money. But no one has won yet. "What's the contest?" the man asks. "Well you have to do two things. First, there's a mean dog out back with a bad tooth that you have to pull. And second, there's an old lady upstairs who has never been sexually satisfied. You have to take care of her." The man says "No way!" and sits down to drink. But after a couple of beers he's feeling brave so he slaps his $5 on the counter and heads out back. The bartender hears growling, barking, whining and after a couple of minutes the man comes back in looking pretty ragged. "Ok, that's taken care of" he says. "Now where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"


    Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

      Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to occur, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

      Run to Win
      24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)



        A man is suffering through a tough divorce and decides to take a walk down the beach. As he strolls he notices a bottle lying in the sand and picks it up. His hand rubs against the side of the bottle and a genie comes out. "I will grant you three wishes." says the genie "but know this, that whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double." the man thinks about this and says "I wish for a new Ferrari." "You understand that your ex-wife will get two Ferraris?" The genie says. the man nods that he understands and *poof* a new Ferrari appears in front of the man. "For my second wish, I wish for $10,000,000." the man says. "Granted, and your ex-wife just got $20,000,000." The man thinks long and hard about his third wish and finally says to the genie. "I want you to beat me half to death."
        HOSS1961


          Sorry dude. Not appreciated.
          Sorry...what others find funny...did not mean to offend.
          HOSS 2009 Goals Have a healthy back and run w/o pain! Drop 15 pounds gained while injured


          Think Whirled Peas

            Beer contains female hormones!! Last month Mississippi State University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women! To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one- hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1. Argued over nothing. 2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3. Gained weight. 4. Talked excessively without making sense. 5. Became overly emotional. 6. Couldn't drive. 7. Failed to think rationally. 8. Had to sit down to urinate. No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to all the men you know to warn them against drinking too much beer!

            Just because running is simple does not mean it is easy.


            Go Pre!

              Sorry...what others find funny...did not mean to offend.
              No worries, he's no saint either.


              Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                Scissors beats paper every time. (source)

                Run to Win
                24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




                De-slacking in progress

                  In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' And yet another reason to drink!!!

                  started running @ age 48 [lost 70#+, quit a 30 year pack/day habit>> ran HM]  Ran a few years then quit. Gained 70#+ back and smoking like before. Time to get healthy again @ 52 years over with the C25K program and beyond again. RE-start date 1-13-14

                    No worries, he's no saint either.
                    I'm certainly not. Wink However, jokes about suicide bombers don't go down particularly well. I experienced their effects in Iraq and lost a good friend. Sorry - didn't mean to put a downer on what is one of my favourite threads! Big grin


                    Needs more cowbell!

                      I shoot pretty things! ~

                      '14 Goals:

                      • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                      • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

                        Tee hee...Brits! Wink
                        Sheesh. Thanks K! Forgot that you yanks are too darn busy to bother using all the vowels! Tongue


                        Needs more cowbell!

                          Sheesh. Thanks K! Forgot that you yanks are too darn busy to bother using all the vowels! Tongue
                          Nah, just lazy and classless. Those Us seem so cultured and fancy. Big grin

                          I shoot pretty things! ~

                          '14 Goals:

                          • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                          • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


                          Needs more cowbell!

                            BTW, my son thinks your avatar is hilarious! Big grin

                            I shoot pretty things! ~

                            '14 Goals:

                            • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                            • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


                            You'll ruin your knees!

                              Nah, just lazy and classless. Those Us seem so cultured and fancy. Big grin
                              F[cultured and fancy]CK?

                              ""...the truth that someday, you will go for your last run. But not today—today you got to run." - Matt Crownover (after Western States)

                                F[cultured and fancy]CK?
                                Nice. MTA: +1