Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7081 times)

F[cultured and fancy]CK?

Now what would a Texan know about cultured OR fancy...?

I rear-ended another car this morning. Actually, it was one of those huge black SUVs. It was my fault. I was fiddling with the radio and didn't see the guy stop short. I was upset with myself. I got out of my car, and I could hear the other guy yelling and cursing at me through his open window even before he got out. Now, I'm really nervous and upset and starting to shake. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed that some things just strike you funny? Well, the door opens, the other guy gets out of his car, and as he's climbing down, I notice he's a little person (pardon my political incorrectness - a midget). Well, the paradox of the huge truck and the little guy was too much. I tried to supress my laughter, but a few "snerks" got out anyway. Unfortunately for me, the other guy heard, and it pissed him off even more. He starts in - "Do you see what you did to my truck!? You think this is funny?! That's going to cost me thousands, you idiot!! I AM NOT HAPPY!!!!" Something came over me (temporary failure of the shutup filter, I guess), and I blurted out the first thing that came into my head. "Well, then which one are you?" **And that's when the fight started ***

The Cremated Husband Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table. The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio, She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table. She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them, After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes. 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!' She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!' Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!' Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?' 'Here it comes.'

THE REDHEAD A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible ! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ' 'No,' she replies. . . . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Blaine - an old one which is usually told with Robbie Burns winning!

The cops came to my kid's daycare the other day. One of the boys was resisting a rest.

Making a baby. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'