Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7285 times)


Needs more cowbell!

    F[cultured and fancy]CK?
    Now what would a Texan know about cultured OR fancy...? Wink Big grin

    I shoot pretty things! ~

    '14 Goals:

    • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

    • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

      Beer and Ice Cream Diet As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.


      Mayo

        I rear-ended another car this morning. Actually, it was one of those huge black SUVs. It was my fault. I was fiddling with the radio and didn't see the guy stop short. I was upset with myself. I got out of my car, and I could hear the other guy yelling and cursing at me through his open window even before he got out. Now, I'm really nervous and upset and starting to shake. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed that some things just strike you funny? Well, the door opens, the other guy gets out of his car, and as he's climbing down, I notice he's a little person (pardon my political incorrectness - a midget). Well, the paradox of the huge truck and the little guy was too much. I tried to supress my laughter, but a few "snerks" got out anyway. Unfortunately for me, the other guy heard, and it pissed him off even more. He starts in - "Do you see what you did to my truck!? You think this is funny?! That's going to cost me thousands, you idiot!! I AM NOT HAPPY!!!!" Something came over me (temporary failure of the shutup filter, I guess), and I blurted out the first thing that came into my head. "Well, then which one are you?" **And that's when the fight started ***

        MM# 4597 / HF #941




        Swadvad

          A 6-year-old boy comes through the checkout line at the local grocery store with a package of Kotex. The checker says, “I can’t believe your Mom sent you in here to buy those.” The boy states, “These aren’t for my Mom. They are for my little brother.” The amused checker asks, “Why does your little brother need these?” The boy replies, “We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim and ride a bike, and he can’t do either.”
          Relocated NE


            The Cremated Husband Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table. The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio, She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table. She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them, After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes. 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!' She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!' Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!' Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?' 'Here it comes.'


            Fool

              A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the f*ck away from me."


              Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                THE REDHEAD A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible ! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ' 'No,' she replies. . . . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

                Run to Win
                24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




                Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                  Australian Poetry Competition The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU". First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. Then the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop-up tent They were three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ... It was unanimous -- the aboriginal won.

                  Run to Win
                  24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)



                    Blaine - an old one which is usually told with Robbie Burns winning!


                    Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                      Blaine - an old one which is usually told with Robbie Burns winning!
                      I'd never heard it before, so I was just relaying. Here's another one: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

                      Run to Win
                      24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)



                        The cops came to my kid's daycare the other day. One of the boys was resisting a rest.
                          A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...................... ...........................................................I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
                            Making a baby. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted


                            On On

                              What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? A boneless chicken
                              Relocated NE


                                A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'