Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7114 times)

I'm speechless. That's hands-down the worst joke I've ever spent 15 minutes reading. Well played.

O.K I've not had time to get on this site for two weeks. Now I wasted 15 minutes reading this. How do you feel about that ?????? I'm guessing you feel good about it!!! You should (I guess)

FOR THE WOMEN ~ Dear Kotex: I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as: 1. Staying active during your period can relieve cramps 2. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. 3. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. 4. Try Kotex blah, blah, blah other products. Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell, but go ahead. I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait. While you’re at it, dump out all of the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches and cramps. Well, guess what? The only activities that interest me are eating, sleeping, bitching, or crying for no apparent reason. And, oh, does ripping someone’s head off count as a frigging activity??? Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful’ crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol and barbiturates. Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It’s not a fun time, and DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery, cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There’s nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don’t you just add an in-store microphone to the damn package and announce that . . . HELLOOOOO! Another female in the store is on the rag!!! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies and the smiley faces and shove them right up your a$$. PS - How about adding a free sample of Pamprin or maybe a shot of bourbon to your packages instead?

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN............. NOW SCROLL UP.. That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a glass of wine.

I heard this on a radio programme we have over here called "Fighting Talk" where sports pundits and comedians get together on a Saturday morning in a light-hearted competion....and I know you all will apreciate this... Anyway, the question posed in this case was, "After the US Elections, which sportsperson do you equate with which politician...?" To which one of the comedians responded immediately with, "Paula Radcliffe is like Sarah Palin - she'll still be running in 2012 and she'll still get beaten by a Kenyan!"

This is why it's so hard to diet... And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, “Supersize them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad. And Satan brought forth ice cream. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's.

Old men may walk slow BUT think F A S T In Queensland an elderly gentleman had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the man decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer he noticed it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He politely made the women aware of my presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' He frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up , 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.