Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7246 times)


Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

    Run to Win
    24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)



      What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?

      You gonna eat that?


      A Dance with Monkeys

        The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
        yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
        meanings for common words. The winners are:

        1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

        2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

        3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

        4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

        5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

        6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
        the door in your nightgown.

        7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

        8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

        9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
        over by a steamroller.

        10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

        11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

        12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

        13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

        14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

        15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
        you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

        16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
        men.

        ****************************

        The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
        word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
        letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

        1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
        ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
        of breaking down in the near future.

        2. Fore ploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
        impressing the opposite sex.

        3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
        financially impotent for an indefinite period.

        4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

        5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
        who doesn't get it.

        6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

        7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

        8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

        9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
        bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
        serious bummer.

        10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
        only things that are good for you.

        11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

        12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
        they come at you rapidly.

        13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
        accidentally walked through a spider web.

        14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
        bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

        And the pick of the literature:

        15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
        fruit you're eating.


        Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

          Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was  stiff-legged and walking  slowly.
               
          One student said to his friend: "I'm  sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.  Those people walk just like  that."
               
          The other student says: "No, I don't think so.  The old man surely  has  Zovitzki Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in  class."
           
          Since  they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old  man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:  "We're  medical students and couldn't help but  notice the way you  walk, but we  couldn't agree on  the syndrome you  might have.   Could you tell us what it  is?"
               
          The  old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell  me what you  two fine medical students  think."
               
          The  first student said, "I think it's Peltry  Syndrome."
               
          The  old man said, "You thought....... But you are  wrong."
               
          The  other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki  Syndrome."
               
          The  old man said, "You thought....... But you are  wrong."
               
          So  they asked him, "Well, old timer,  what do you  have?"
               
          The  old man said, "I thought it was  GAS......................  But  I was wrong,  too!"

          Run to Win
          24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




            Twoyoung boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a  box of tampons andproceeded to the checkout counter.  

            The man at the counter asked theolder boy, "Son,  how old are you?"
            "Eight," the boy replied.  
            The mancontinued, "Do you know what these are used  for?"
            The boy replied, "notexactly, but they aren't  for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He'sfour. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able  to swim and ride abike. Right now, he can't do either.."   


            Needs more cowbell!

              Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 


              Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...

              I shoot pretty things! ~

              '14 Goals:

              • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

              • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


              Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                Wow...been a while since anybody's contributed.  Saw this one recently:

                 

                 

                 

                Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

                I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

                They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

                To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't  long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

                He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

                'What' s going on here? '

                'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

                'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

                I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

                 

                So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

                Run to Win
                24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)




                Hey, nice marmot!

                  Ben

                   

                  "The world is my country, science is my religion."-- Christiaan Huygens

                    Recently I received a parrot as a gift.  But the parrot had a bad 
                    attitudeand an even worse vocabulary.

                    Every word out of the bird's mouth wasrude, obnoxious and laced with 
                    profanity.

                    I tried and tried tochange the bird's attitude by consistently saying 
                    only polite words,playing soft music and anything else I could think 
                    of to "clean up" thebird's vocabulary.

                    Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. Theparrot yelled 
                    back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and evenruder. 
                    So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and puthim 
                    in the freezer.

                    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kickedand screamed. Then 
                    suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard forover a minute.

                    Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened thedoor to the 
                    freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched armand 
                    said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
                    actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
                    and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
                    unforgivable behavior."

                    I was stunned at the change in the bird'sattitude. As I was about to 
                    ask the parrot what had made such a dramaticchange in his behavior, 
                    the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkeydid?"


                    go barefoot

                      Being married for, uh, 24 years, this one has a special place in my heart... enjoy:

                       



                      A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.......

                      So he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

                      'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

                      'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

                      The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

                      She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.....

                      The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop.... but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses.....'

                      He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

                      She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

                      The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar, they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

                      'You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

                      'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

                      'You want dirty words, D1ckhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, ***hole?'

                      ........and, they lived happily ever after.

                      Now, isn't that a sweet story?

                      When the sun comes up, you'd better be running


                      go barefoot

                        here's another one along those same lines...

                         

                         

                         

                        A man comes home from work and his wife answers the door, looking lovely, and in a great mood. He kisses her hello, and immediately sits on the couch and says, "Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts?"

                        So she gets him a beer. He drinks it while watching TV and in due course, asks her again, "Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts?"

                        She looks a little puzzled but gets him another beer; which he drinks. Again he says, "Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts."

                        Now she has a stern look on her face, but she gets him the beer anyway. This beer he just pounds down in about 30 seconds.

                        Then looks up and says, "Honey can you get me a beer before it starts?" and she yells back at him, "You've been home for an hour, you didn't ask how my day was, you didn't notice my haircut, you need to call your mother, you STILL haven't finished trimming the hedges from yesterday, and you have the nerve to ask me to keep getting you beer after beer after beer. Do you care at all about MY feelings, and MY happiness?"

                        He looks at his wife, shrugs and says, "Oh well, it started."

                        When the sun comes up, you'd better be running

                          I'm speechless. That's hands-down the worst joke I've ever spent 15 minutes reading. Well played.

                           I AGREE!

                          'No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch'

                           

                          "Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"  - Peter Maher

                           

                          "Running long and hard is an ideal antidepressant, since it's hard to run and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Also, there are those hours of clearheadedness that follow a long run."  -Monte Davis


                          Hey, nice marmot!

                            The Lone Ranger is captured by an Indian tribe.  He's tried and sentenced to death for his crimes against their people.  Before his execution, the chief says to him,

                             

                            "Lone Ranger, for crimes committed against this nation, you will die today.  Do you have any last wishes?"

                             

                            The Lone Ranger replies "I'd like to talk to my horse."

                             

                            "Very well." replies the chief.

                             

                            The Lone Ranger approaches Silver and whispers something into his ear.  The horse takes off like a shot and returns in a few moments carrying a beautiful, naked blonde woman on his back.  Seeing this, the whole tribe errupts with laughter.

                             

                            "Very good Lone Ranger!" says the chief.  "You may spend tonight in the teepee with the woman.  We will execute you tomorrow."

                             

                            Tomorrow comes and a similar scenario plays out.  The chief gives the Lone Ranger his last wish, and the Lone Ranger whispers into Silver's ear.  This time though, Silver returns with a naked brunette and a naked blonde on his back.  The tribe roars with laughter again.

                             

                            "Very well Lone Ranger."  says the chief.  "You may spend tonight in the teepee with both women, but know that this is the last time.  You will certainly be put to death tomorrow."

                             

                            Tomorrow comes and the chief gives the Lone Ranger his last wish and reminds him that there will no more stays of the execution.  The Lone Ranger nervously walks over to Silver and whispers into his ear, "Now get this straight, POSSE!"

                            Ben

                             

                            "The world is my country, science is my religion."-- Christiaan Huygens


                            Cool Jump Suit

                              When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

                              Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

                               

                              Enlightenment!  Yes?

                               

                              The kiss goodnight, it comes with me,
                              Both wrong and right, our memories. 
                              The whispering before we sleep,
                              Just one more thing that you can't keep.

                              Our favorite place we used to go,
                              The warm embrace that no one knows.
                              The lovin' look that's left your eyes,
                              But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise.


                              Blaine Moore (MM#2867)

                                It's been too long since there's been an update...can't let this thread disappear (it was 4 pages back!)

                                 

                                 

                                A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
                                Tech : What's the problem?
                                User : There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
                                Tech : You'll need a new power supply.
                                User : No, I don't ! I need to change the startup files.
                                Tech : Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
                                User : Now way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell the command.
                                10 minutes later, the user is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
                                Tech : Sorry, sir, We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented Windows command that will fix the problem.
                                User : I knew it!
                                Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
                                10 minutes later;
                                User : It didn't work, the power supply is still smoking.
                                Tech : Well, what version of Windows are you using?
                                User : Windows XP Home
                                Tech : That's your problem there. That version of Windows didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
                                1 hour later
                                User : I need a new power supply.
                                Tech : How did you come to that conclusion?
                                User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
                                Tech : Then, what did he say?
                                User : He told me that my power supply is not compatible with NOSMOKE.

                                Run to Win
                                24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)