Hey everyone! It’s race report time!*

I KNOW IT HAS BEEN FOREVER. It’s just that Race Reports are hard, and I feel PRESSURE to make them FUNNY**, and they take a long time, and they require concentration, which I’m not generally good at***, and I was eating cupcakes and painting my nails and playing on the Internets.

Right. So, Once Upon A Time, I Ran The Biggest Loser Half Marathon. It Was A Cluster Fuck. The End.

I mean. Sort of.

Here’s my feelings about BIG RACES. And, I mean big race CHAINS, like Competitor, who runs the Rock ‘n Roll races. I feel like they sort of just want our money. And, hey, maybe I’m stupid, and ALL races just want our money. But some races I’ve done (and the smaller, the better) really go above and beyond to make the race awesome and safe for the runners (and the prices remain under $50). Both Presque Isle and Erie Marathon are examples of this, as are the Parkersburg Half, Marshall University Marathon, and Just A Short Run in Pittsburgh. They are smaller races that really do a great job, and if you are in the area, check them out. I’m sure I’m missing some other great races, but those ones stick out in my mind this morning as I’m writing this. I mean, are there glitches to some of those races? Sure. But the general attitude just feels like it’s put on by runners, FOR runners, for the joy of the run. I don’t GET that with the bigger races.

There is a lot of controversy about Biggest Loser (the brand AND the show) and the fact that they really just want to make money. I mean, they are building a brand. They want you to buy their products. That’s fine. But from a runner’s perspective, is this a great idea? They billed their race as “A race for all levels.” A half marathon is not, and should NEVER be, a race for all levels. Sorry. It’s just not. Most people cannot just get off the couch and run a half marathon, especially those in the Biggest Loser fan base. I LOVE what they TRIED to do. I DO. But I feared that that tagline would get people HURT. And they wouldn’t care because they got their money.

I can’t really speak anymore on that subject, because I don’t know who got hurt, or really, what happened behind the line from me. I just don’t. I know they had pacers. That’s good. They started in waves (I guess that’s good, but I don’t know that it was necessary.). And congestion ON the course as not as bad as I feared. I feared people not lining up appropriately, as lots of people do that in their first races. So, I was pleasantly surprised, and really, I had a good race DURING the race.

What bothered me going into this, though, was that the information we were given was either non-existent or wrong. At one point, they said every mile there would be water stops, then when someone asked on the Facebook, they said there would be 8 (or something, it’s been forever, so I forget the details). Any time I asked if someone could get my packet for me, as I don’t live there and I work on Fridays (as do MOST people), they said “no, we encourage you to come to the expo!” This screamed “we want you to buy things!” Generally, I feel like races on Saturdays, with no packet pick-up the day off, don’t care one bit about the runners. I mean. Most people don’t want to use a vacation day for an expo. They just don’t. However, when I asked if they would ask for ID, they said no. So. I had someone pick up my shit anyway, because no one stopped her.

They were. But you know, it’s a stupid rule, because if I’m going to assume someone’s identity and try to steal something belonging to them, it’s PROBABLY not going to be a race bib and the opportunity to run 13.1 miles. It’s just not. I might try for their car keys first.****

ANYHOW. I need to back up and start at the beginning of this weekend. Because I COULD NOT PICK UP MY OWN PACKET, I had to leave work a few hours early. But, of course, I did not get out of work a few hours early, because. I just can never do that.

I had planned on leaving straight from work. BUT NO. Frank texted me to say he forgot shoes. SHOES. A basic need from the time you can WALK. He forgot them.

So. I had to go back to the house. And when you do that, you unleash these beasts:

So, then there was that, and then I had to go pick up pottery (Which was actually fantastic! I was so happy with how mine came out! See below*****.), and by then it was TRAFFIC. I do, in traffic, about as well as a cat in a plastic bag.

So, I was good and pissed by the time we arrived at Sandy’s to drop off my car. I did visit with Elena shortly. We played Wedding. I have to apologize to Sandy and Ben, because apparently, when you ask a 3-year-old to be your flower girl, the will always associate that with you, and want to recreate those memories, and really, that is a messy pain in the ass, because it involves throwing a bunch of shit around from a basket. Lessons. We learn them. Then, I asked her if she would have lunch with me the next day, but she said she maybe had plans that involved a tea party. I texted her mom, that was a lie, but I have to give her props for creative thinking.

We FINALLY made it to Erie, but we were pretty late, and I felt rushed. We met Juli/Kristin and I ate a pile of fried food that I’d prefer to forget about, although it was sort of amazing. I also had a crab cake sammich that I fondly remember.

Our view from the restaurant:

Then we were off to the hotel.

BUT DISASTER. I couldn’t find my three little kitties that I had painted the month before when I was there at the pottery place (this weekend was full of picking up projects). It was a disaster. I was almost crying over these meaningless trinkets (I actually spend a lot of time crying over meaningless trinkets.), and Frank tore apart the hotel room and it was a disaster of epic proportions and I couldn’t sleep.

YES. I wrote in my race report for the Presque Isle Half Marathon how excited I was, and YADDA YADDA. It’s the little things in life.

Here is the yarn bowl, wine stopper, and mug:

NOT THAT THAT IS INTERESTING. But whatever.

So, I didn’t sleep well. But we got up and went to the park, and it was a cluster. CLUSTER. Traffic was so backed up they pushed the race back at least 15 minutes. While I see why they had the race start at Beach 10 (more parking), it really, really makes zero sense. And, this is where I start to question if anyone with the Biggest Loser race even came to Erie to SEE it. I have another reason I think that, but we’ll get to it later.

I finally got to the course, peed, and got in line JUST in time. I mean, PERFECT timing. And we were off, in waves.

The way my thighs ripple in those two above photo makes me think that maybe they should not be using that clear of a lens for this type of race? That is NOT attractive.

So, miles 1-3 looked like this:

Mile 1: 9:45 Mile 2: 9:40 Mile 3: 9:53

I was TRYING to run slower. I had had back and hip pain for the past week due to stress, and I knew it was unwise to run it, but I felt pretty ok. I had pain, but it wasn’t anywhere near what it had been on training runs, so I held back a LITTLE, but probably not what I should have.

Mile 4: 9:50 Mile 5: 9:47 Mile 6: 9:54

WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?

It doesn’t help that Garmins are somewhat difficult on this course because of all of the trees. I just kept saying I’d go with it, I would NOT PR, I KNEW this, but I still wanted to run well as long as I felt ok. And I did.

Water stops seemed plentiful and everything seemed to be running much more smoothly than everything else pre-race, so I started giving the race organizers some props. Then I realized probably, the reason it ran even slightly well, was due to help from Erie Runners Club.

Mile 7: 9:51 Mile 8: 9:42 Mile 9: 9:30 Mile 10: 10:20 (stopped for some water)

I can’t seem to get over my DEAL. I want to get through a whole race without stopping for freaking water. I just like the little walk, I think, and I think it’s highly unnecessary. This is the first half marathon, however, that I didn’t eat a Gu. I just didn’t feel like I needed it, so I went without.

Mile 11: 9:18 Mile 12: 9:12 Mile 13: 8:57

I finished ‘er out at 2:04:56, almost one minute slower than my PR a month before. But I felt SO good about it, given the circumstances.

When we got to the finish line, I THINK it was HIGHLY ENCOURAGED that we high-five this lady. I have no idea who that lady was, but I can ensure you, I did NOT high-five her. Didn’t even think about it. Wasn’t gonna happen.

And the course? Short. That just does NOT happen with a half marathon. This is the second reason I believe no one from the Biggest Loser measured. They probably just mapped it, which is NOT how a race should be measured. It’s supposed to be done by the SHORTEST distance POSSIBLE, cutting ALL corners. When you run a half, you should have a distance OVER 13.1 miles, unless you are amazing and fast and ran it perfectly. Which is nearly impossible.

So, while I did pretty well considering my injury, it was also a short course. So, I probably would have been a minute slower, even. Still, still, not bad.

Garmin stats:

I’m an idiot and didn’t understand buttons, so ignore the first three “miles” or whatever. Below is the comparison of the two races, but I’m an idiot in both cases, because it looks like I also did not understand buttons for the first mile of PI, either.

After the race, Frank collected me and we waited for a bit on Kristin, but because of the confusing place they shipped you when you were done, she could have been caught up in the loop. We went up to a turn in the course to wait on her (almost missing Emily in the process, which made me feel like an awful Fellow Runner Supporter—she had to yell at ME, what the hell), but she wasn’t there, and I ate some cheese, and I needed to. Leave. Yes.

BUT FRANK TOOK A WRONG TURN AND WE ENDED UP GOING AROUND THE LOOP TWICE. WHAT THE HELL, FRANK?

Luckily, my stomach decided to deal with the cheese rather than expel it and we got back to the hotel, where I showered and we decided to just have lunch in Erie (there was a lot of hub-bub about our plans, and it was like herding cats and it was stressful, just like everything else about this weekend). We ate at Moe’s. I had never been. I loved it.

Except the part where I said something that I’m sure contained “mother-fucker” or some such thing because Frank felt the need to say “THERE ARE CHILDREN IN HERE,” and you know what, then take them to church. It’s the Outside World, Frank, and if parents do not want their children to hear me curse, they can go eat at McDonald’s instead.

So, we ate, I peed in a bathroom that had pee all over the floor that was probably the result of a boy-child not having proper bathroom supervision, and that was that.

BUT.

THE STORY DOES NOT END HERE.

Juli called Claytopia, and they had my little cats!

She went and picked them up for me! HOORAY!

I should say that those little cats are, like, sitting on a shelf somewhere now because I don’t know what to do with them, but they make me SO HAPPY I almost wet myself.

So. That’s it. That’s the story about the race that was a clusterfuck before it began. Then it was sort of ok. Then it was a clusterfuck again getting out. And I’ll never run that race again, but I’m glad I did it for the EXPERIENCE. Or whatever.

Frank said the medals were so heavy so you burn more calories when you wear it.

Updated race rack:

And that’s it. Next race is this coming weekend, September 14th, in Greensburg, PA. There are only 300 people in all THREE divisions of the race (5K, 10K, and half marathon), and there are TWO HEATS. I’m certainly going to be the only person running the half marathon and I’m certainly going to get lost. Those are my current fears. Stay tuned.

________

*False. It was race report time like 3 days after the race, and since that race was several weeks ago, I really fail at race reports.

**I’m sorry, I probably failed, because I feel as though my Race Reports are Not That Funny, but it was a Hurry Up And Write Something, Anything, Before You Run Another Race Situation, and I had to do what I had to do.

***I’m not good at it at all. Ever.

****I would never steal a car. Also, I do know WHY in THEORY you can’t pick up a bib, but I’m too annoyed to go into it.

*****I think it’s delightful! Just pretend to give a shit.

Awesome job!

I've yet to have that problem with packet pickup, if the race is on a Sunday then pickup is on Fridays and Saturdays and I usually go Saturday.

Very entertaining report!  Congrats on your half..or nearly half!   Nice photos of you too!  I'd sure chase your Great Legs!    At my slow pace, would not catch up to them...but I'd sure chase them!

Great job! I love your race reports, your cats, and your snark!

come to the Boston Harvest 5k/10k on 9/21 please?! I want your review! http://www.youghtrailrunner.com/p/boston-harvest-5k-2013.html

Great RR!  Yep, no desire to run anything run by BL.  Holy moly what a cluster!!

BTW - your kitties are CUTE!

Don't worry, it was very funny.  Look forward to the next one.

And well done on the race!

+1

I can't tell what happened when you got to that "high five" chick.

Did you "high five" her??

Looks like she was there to "high five" folks.

Was just wondering if you "high fived" her too.

That's kinda cool, right?

A chick just hangin at the finish to "high five" you?

Ya?

No?

You know, if you ever just want to write a report on a training run, I'd read it.  Your RR's are priceless.  For seeming so distracted, I think you ran well.  Thanks for the RR, and congratulations.