I registered for this marathon because it is where I ran my first 26.2, three years ago almost to the day. It is also where I had a medical incident which landed me in a hospital for a few days, the year before that, in 2009. The idea was to run the 2013 Ottawa marathon as a celebration of my ability to run, after what had happened to me. But this was also my 7th marathon in 12 months, so I opted to run it in a symbolic way, as a fun event and at my first original marathon pace, which has since become my easy pace.

Yesterday, I learned two very important things:

1) I cannot run for fun. What I mean is that "fun", for me, means that I give my best effort every time I'm on a course. Unless I'm pacing a friend, or maybe if I were doing a theme race wearing a costume, fun will always mean to me that I try to run as fast as the speed for which my training has prepared me. The weather can slow me down, but I'm unable mentally to slow myself down. That's how I'm wired. I'm just stupid and really stubborn like that. I realize that it is only recreational running and that I'm slow anyway. I'm not about to set any records out there, so what is wrong with me, for heaven's sake? sigh...

All week, I had been thinking about the good advice many of you had given me: try to match your slowest marathon pace, stop at each aid station to thank the volunteers, help pace someone to his/her goal finish time by running your easy pace, etc... It all sounded so reasonable, so kind, very significant even... But I couldn't get myself excited about it. I wasn't "feeling" it. At breakfast, the day before the race, my SO asked me what my goal was. I finally told someone the truth: I'd try to PR again, 3:25 was my goal. After all, I have run 8 marathons in less than 18 months and I have managed to improve my finish times by 2 minutes in almost each race, ending with a 5 minutes PR in Boston. What's different with this race this time around? If I want it and if I've trained correctly for it, then it's mine... That's the way it's worked for me since I started running.

But lesson two was coming...

2) Yesterday, I learned that I have limits, mentally and physically. After my HM PR, two weeks after running Boston, I struggled with all of my training runs. I had pain a bit everywhere. The knee and hip pain went away, but the right foot pain stayed. I also felt fatigue, cardiac and lung fatigue. I figured that the last two days before the race, when I skip my training runs as part of my taper, I would magically regain all my energy. Just like that.

I met a friend in front of my hotel, Youssef, who had run Boston in 3:18, at the age of 55. Youssef rocks. He told me he was running Ottawa as a "fun" race. Yeah... sure, Youssef... I know what that means, buddy. We took a picture, hugged, and off we went to our corral.

I stood at the start line in an apprehensive mood. I knew I was feeling different. I had doubts about my goal, my right foot was achy, the sky was a little too gray for my liking... Mostly, I could hear my body and it was mumbling bad things to me.

I ran mile one in 7:30 pace, too fast. I ran mile two in 7:37. Still too fast. I had trouble making myself slow down, but at the same time, my chest was starting to hurt a little and after only 2 miles, that isn't a good sign. I'm used to this feeling appearing after mile 24 of my marathons. Not mile 2... Then, my brain went blank, I lost all will to run and all I could see in my head was that message: STOP RIGHT NOW. So I did. I know you will throw tomatoes at me, call me a wimp, etc... With this decision, I lose my badass status here. But I don't think I was ever a badass to start with. I'm just someone who likes to train, and I train in comfort at that. Nothing badass about me. And when something is decided up there in my head, that's it, I can't reverse it. I am freakin' stubborn and I think you all know this by now.

I moved to the side of the street, quickly removed my bib, didn't look back and walked 2 miles back to my hotel. I felt no sadness, no remorse, no anger, nothing of the kind. I felt like I was doing the logical thing. If my goal finish time was unachievable that day because of exhaustion, then what was the point of running 26.2 miles at a sub-standard pace? This was not meant to be a training run for me. I was finally realizing that what I really wanted in the first place was to come back to Ottawa and say to the running Gods "You allowed me to run a 3:55 marathon in 2010, after my stroke, and now look what I can do. This is the new me." But yesterday, the new me was tired and I had nothing to show the Gods. I was humbled... And, maybe it's a good thing? Personally, I think it is.

In the last 6 months, I have run three Boston open standard (sub-3:35) and a HM in 1:35, it would be ridiculous for me to say that this DNF has shaken my confidence in my running abilities. It hasn't. But it has taught me two important lessons, and for that, I think the race was a success for me, as strange as it may sound.

So there. I FREAKIN' DNFd!!! You can all laugh at me, it's ok. I'm still happylily and I still plan on annoying the heck out of you with many future RRs and countless irrelevant pictures. I'm about to start my new training cycle for Chicago and I'm already looking at other races for 2014. The only difference now is that instead of 7, I may only register for 4 marathons this time. No more crazy stunts for me.

Oh... and my friend Youssef finished in 3:16, after being tripped by another runner, which left him with a bloody knee to run on in the last few miles. That was two minutes faster that his Boston finish time, 6 weeks ago.

Okay... so this was a very long post about something that did not happen. Sorry about that.

Julie, that is called listening to your body. The fact that you were feeling cardiac fatigue in the last few weeks is a sign your body was ready for a break. Being able to stop yourself is more a sign of strength than continuing would have been.

You have had a fantastic string of races, and you just made the best decision to continue to have good races. Bravo!

And, once again - yes, you are FAST! And yes, you are BADASS! But you are the sweetest, most loving BADASS I know, and I really want to meet you in person some day!

BTW - I didn't realize just how fast time has gone by! Has it really been 4 years since your first attempt and the stroke? It doesn't seem like it can be that long, yet it seems like I've "known" you forever.

Congratulations, friend.

This is the lesson I learned: Happylily is mortal. 

Shake it off & get back on the horse. Not that anyone has to tell you that.

Mostly, thanks for sharing. I often think about what I would do after a DNF. From an RA standpoint, I think I would crawl into a hole & you would not see a post for quite some time. But I appreciate that you did, because it helped me realize it can happen to the best of us, even a running beast like you. You also inspired me just a few minutes ago by your post on another thread - I was not previously aware we have a similar training plan (i.e. just go out & run). Encouraging to know you can accomplish great things by just being dedicated to running, without getting too scientific about it.

I am glad you listened to the part of your brain that was doing the right thing for your body.  You have more than shown the running gods that they didn't get you so you have nothing to prove to them.  You are an amazingly dedicated and talented runner and this DNF does nothing to change that.

Get some rest and maybe, if you hang around the finish line for 45 minutes or so after you're done, we'll see each other in Chicago 

Not a damn thing wrong with listening to your body and your brain. You are an amazing athlete and it takes a lot more heart and courage to do the right thing than the stubborn thing. Good for you. Looking forward to hearing about Chicago!

Julie, that is the most uplifting DNF story I have every heard!!!

I was tracking you along with several friends. I knew that you must have DNF'd or DNS'd and I'm

really happy to hear that you made a good decision under your own terms and are happy with it.

I will tell you another "feel good" story from yesterday in Ottawa about my other friend Marta.  I had

been watching the splits and they were coming in up to the 30k mark. She was at 2:40 at that time

then the site went down. She needed 3:55 to BQ (first year in this AG)  and was going for 3:45. I f

uriously refreshed with no luck.

About 1/2 hour after she should have finished she texted me an update with a big smilie face.

Despite a nagging groin injury that caused her to miss the last two long runs and a month of training

she BQ'd (again)  with a 3:46:35. She and her Dad (age 73) have run Boston together from 2009-2012.

She made Frank slow down for the heatwave of 2012 and neither re-qualified at that race.

Instead, because of thier love of the race, they did the 9 hours drive down to Boston this year to volunteer

and thanks to Frank's 4:00:50 two weeks ago at the same marathon I ran, Father and Daughter are again

running Boston in 2014!! 

Anyway, I am so relieved to hear from you!!!

P.S. You are totally the original Bad Ass female runner!!

Well, I'll try to be a little rougher than the rest here.

As you know, often times runs will develop into different things over the course of an hour or two......or three.  You could very well have acclimated to some happy medium of physical condition after those opening miles.  Then again, things could have developed into an injury.....IF you were to continue at too fast a pace.

Regardless, you've run enough races that you know best for yourself.  I'd still be curious to see what you'd have finished at but nothing wrong with listening to your body and making ay number of decisions.  You certainly made the safest one for your body.

Now.....we're there any naked pics??

happylily-  I would never call you a wimp. What you did in the race yesterday ... then then had the chutzpah to post your RR shows how strong you really are. Having the courage ... and good common sense ... to call the race after 2 miles when things were definitely not right with your body was the smartest thing you could have done yesterday. There was absolutely nothing to have been gained by pushing yourself beyond your physical and mental limits in the marathon ... other than causing a serious injury or a lasting mental block to not want to train. In my book you're still IronLily ... for being able to run so many BQ races in a row. I only wish I was running Chicago this year but I'm sure our paths will eventually cross in a race somewhere ... sometime.