What everyone has said makes perfect sense as well as this. I just want to be me again. I know it will just take some time.
Hilary. It will take time. You witnessed some awful things and it will take time to comes to term with it all.
I had something happen to me, not at all like Boston but very traumatic.
I almost died from shellfish anaphylaxis while on vacation in Florida in June 2000. Not just saying I had
an allergic reaction here, we are talking ambulance, fire trucks, intravenous adrenaline, eye swollen
shut, throat closed, oxygen mask, struggling to get air into my lungs, welts all over my body the size of
dinner plates..........the whole deal.
I had never been allergic to anything in my life prior to that. From that time on I have had to go
everywhere with two epipens. Allergy specialist told me that when a first event is that severe a
2nd event could easily kill me.
For several years after that happened anytime I had hives or felt swelling in my face/lips (turns out
I had developed a lot of allergies quite suddenly) I would literally have a panic attack and flashbacks
to what the first time felt like.
It took a long time to get over the trauma of lying in an ambulance thinking that I might never see my
kids again.
You just need time.
Lots of valuable perspectives here Hillary. My advice would be to remember that there is always a rebirth in the springtime. Relax and notice all that nature is doing around you. Trees, flowers, warm sunshine, children laughing and running in the grass. Really try to take it in. Let your runs take care of themselves...fast when you feel it, or jog, or stop and smell the air. Feel the sunshine on your face. Better days always lie ahead. Have faith.
You are so right. The weather has been perfect for running. Can't complain there.
Running is my mental-Ctrl-Alt-Del.
Beth that is so scary. I imagine that would cause you some stress. Thanks.
Hilary. It will take time. You witnessed some awful things and it will take time to comes to term with it all. I had something happen to me, not at all like Boston but very traumatic. I almost died from shellfish anaphylaxis while on vacation in Florida in June 2000. Not just saying I had an allergic reaction here, we are talking ambulance, fire trucks, intravenous adrenaline, eye swollen shut, throat closed, oxygen mask, struggling to get air into my lungs, welts all over my body the size of dinner plates..........the whole deal. I had never been allergic to anything in my life prior to that. From that time on I have had to go everywhere with two epipens. Allergy specialist told me that when a first event is that severe a 2nd event could easily kill me. For several years after that happened anytime I had hives or felt swelling in my face/lips (turns out I had developed a lot of allergies quite suddenly) I would literally have a panic attack and flashbacks to what the first time felt like. It took a long time to get over the trauma of lying in an ambulance thinking that I might never see my kids again. You just need time.
Its alright Dizzy. I was volunteering in the medical tent at the bombings as a registered nurse and its been tough ever since. I saw and felt a lot of bad things that day that I just can't shake.
Oh ok that makes a lot more sense then. That had to be traumatizing to witness. I was answering the question from the stand point of as a racer are you worried about security or bombings and does it effect you signing up. Having witnessed the carnage first hand had to completely different and effect you in a different way.
YAYpril - B-Plus
It'll get better with time, Hilary. You're strong.
I really can't thank you guys enough. I just went for a run and I was so angry and upset throughout. Its just so disturbing to think of what I saw and experienced. I mentioned on FB yesterday that my new favorite word is perspective. This definitely has given me a different way of perceiving things. I am very thankful to be able to run right now because it really is what is grounding me.
First of all, thank you for everything you did that day. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that, but at the same time so grateful that someone so giving and capable was there for those in need.
I have no idea what you are feeling, so I can't adequately address the question. But we all deal with things in our own way, based on our personal experience and perspective. Yours of course, is much closer than most, if not all of us here. I just hope it will get better with time for you.
Mmmmm...beer
(((Hilary)))
There's no need to rush back into anything. Heck, you don't have to race at all if you don't want to, it's entirely up to you. My mother in law runs about 50 miles a week and has never run a race in her life, and never intends to, she just likes to run. Take your time, enjoy your runs, they do seem to be helping, so just relax and let your legs go, no watch, no pace, no pressure. Things will get better.
-Dave
My running blog
Goals | sub-18 5k | sub-3 marathon 2:56:46!!
I know how much you were loving racing, and maybe part of what you're feeling now is that you don't know if it will feel that way for you again? It just seemed like such a joy for you when you got back into it for the season.
I think that you will get there, in time. You will feel that joy again. But first you need to heal.
Skirt Runner
((((Hilary))))
Trauma affects everyone differently. You will be you again, but as so many others have said, you need to take time to let yourself heal and to heal in the way you need to. Trauma changes things. It changes our perspective. The way we think, the way we feel, the way we go about our daily activities, what is important to us..... many things. Sometimes for a small period of time, sometimes for longer. I hope that the people close to you are providing you with a lot of support to heal, and that you are able to talk it through with a therapist (absolutely NO shame in that!!!) Some days will be better than others, but slowly but surely you will recover. Don't put pressure on yourself to race if you're not feeling like it is right for you at this time. There is no time frame that you need to return to racing in. We love you here and we are here for you!!!
PRs: 5K- 28:16 (5/5/13) 10K- 1:00:13 (10/27/13) 4M- 41:43 (9/7/13) 15K- 1:34:25 (8/17/13) 10M- 1:56:30 (4/6/14) HM- 2:20:16 (4/13/14) Full- 5:55:33 (11/1/15)
I started a blog about running :) Check it out if you care to
You went thru alot, take your time, when you're ready you'll get out there and race.
Master of Chaos
Nervigup-if you decide you are up to it we are having our Girls on the Run 5K this Saturday. It has been really wonderful for me to see the girls continue to train and get ready for this and how they have been dealing with the aftermath. These girls are resilient, even after some were at the finish and saw things that must have been very difficult.
http://www.active.com/running/boston-ma/girls-on-the-run-boston-5k-2013
It's a race but not competitive (no timing I believe). If you think it would be a good transition back into it, let me know.
Thanks for the invite. I'll be working. Sounds like a nice run.
Today is a good day. After running an easy 6 miles yesterday though very emotional, I swam the first time in a month today.. 400 yards. Felt great to get back in the pool.
Nervigup-if you decide you are up to it we are having our Girls on the Run 5K this Saturday. It has been really wonderful for me to see the girls continue to train and get ready for this and how they have been dealing with the aftermath. These girls are resilient, even after some were at the finish and saw things that must have been very difficult. http://www.active.com/running/boston-ma/girls-on-the-run-boston-5k-2013 It's a race but not competitive (no timing I believe). If you think it would be a good transition back into it, let me know.
Healed Hammy
Hillary, I am glad you are taking time to post on this thread, it helps us all. Please don't take this the wrong way, but if you are religious, spend some time in church or synagogue. Forgiveness, strength and compassion can be found in small ways.
I see the picture of you and Meb and know that you will be fine. Running IS your Ctl-Alt-Del, so reboot. I like LTH's suggestion, go bust a hard effort run, know that you are normal, and soon your inner compass will steer you in the right direction.