RunningAHEAD - Topic: Donna - the Kids and I Miss you

TomD

posted: 4/8/2009 at 3:05 AM

During the day things are not bad. I am teary eyed, but I do not lose control. This evening it has been terrible. All I think about is My Little Angel. I cried a river of tears. When will this stop? Will I ever find those missing pieces of my heart? Our modest home seems so very big and empty. I am afraid to go into our guest, which was Donna's favorite. It is where some of our many awards are at. My Marathon/ Ultra Awards and Donnas Ballroom Dancing and runs awards. There are our special letters to each other that she framed and put on the wall. Then there is the huge envelope full of my emails to her those first few months. She wrote on it "Tom, My Journey to Love." The pass few months we slept there, when she was not in the hospital. The bed is small and coozier. It difficult to imagation my life without her. I feel like my heart is not only broken, but that it has been ripped right out of my chest. I keep telling myself I need to run, but Donna is not here telling me "You know you will feel better when you Run." She would tell others, "Tom, is unbearable to be around if he is not running." My biggest cheerleader. My friends were jealous of me having such a great woman. Her friend would ask her to help find them another Tom. Some would say "I hope to have what you two have some day." "You two are so perfect for each other." Now I wish God had not taken My Little Angel from me. I feel so broken hearted and do not know where to turn or what to do. I used to tell Donna, "You my Life." Now that Donna is not here life does not mean much anymore. TomD

SteveP

posted: 4/8/2009 at 5:09 AM

Tom, none of us can rush healing. At times, it happens unexpectedly. The missing pieces of your heart will find you.There will be sunny days again. When Mom passed, just over a year ago, there was a feeling of relief. Now she is in the hands of our heavenly Care Giver. That was followed by a deep feeling of loss. When her first great grandchild was born, I went to call her several times. I went to call her when I got the job I have now. That being said, I can not put myself in your place. The story you have been sharing is beautiful and unique to you and Donna. In the Bible, were told that we can not understand why things happen the way they do. We're also told that one day will will understand and the future is beautiful. Do what ever it takes to keep Donna proud of you and take as long as you need to heal. SteveP

SteveP

evryday

posted: 4/8/2009 at 7:12 AM

I'm so sorry for your hurt, Tom. Donna was obviously a beautiful person. A person's beauty is who they are. I believe that a person's beauty is unlimited and knows no boundaries. Her beauty will always be a part of you and everyone who loved her. Her beauty is living on right now through you and the memories you are sharing with us. Her beauty is beginning to fill my heart as I learn more about her through your words. I think she's still telling you all the things she's always told you. I think she's still telling you, "You know you'll feel better when you run."

Quit being so damn serious! When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. "Ya just gotta let it go." OM

CNYrunner

posted: 4/8/2009 at 7:28 AM

Oh Tom. I am so very sorry for this pain and grief you are feeling. I hope you'll keep writing and telling us about Donna and perhaps it will help in some way at some point. Lean on your friends near and far and don't ever hesitate to ask for help. You and Donna shared something that is so deep and rare and a love that most can just aspire to. Grief expands and contracts over time and overtakes us without warning. Listen to Donna and lace up your sneakers if you can. Even if it's just a mile or two with tears streaming down your face---you will hear her cheering as you run. We are all here for you Tom and it's our privilege to read and learn of your story with Donna. There are still more chapters to write. Karin

nowor

posted: 4/8/2009 at 8:09 AM

Tom, You write from your heart. It's in deep pain. I remember those times as being sudden, terrifying and I felt so alone even when surrounded by people. Have you contacted a hospice grief group? I wish I had. Thank you for sharing your guest room w/ us. It's so full of tangible tributes to the accomplishments and attributes of you and Donna. It's a special place. Are you getting out ...for a walk, grocery shopping, to visit a friend? Keep writing. We care about you and miss Donna too. Sue

Spareribs

King of PhotoShop

posted: 4/8/2009 at 8:35 AM

Tom, I know this is difficult for you. You are in a deep stage of grief. Please try to talk to others. find your friends to share your feelings with. It is good to talk. And although you don't feel like running right now, you might just try to get out the door and try it out. We're all still here for you Tom. Spareribs

SueT48

posted: 4/8/2009 at 8:53 AM

Tom - I know it is hard for you to imagine that there will be an end to the pain you are feeling now, but the ache will slowly subside. It will never go away entirely, but it will become tolerable and you will learn to live with it. It's good that you can write to this supportive group, but it will help more if you can find someone who will listen and share your sorrow. The Hospice folks are a wonderful source of empathy and support. Hugs.

Sue Running is a mental sport...and we're all insane! Anonymous

Tramps

posted: 4/8/2009 at 10:10 AM

Tom, your poignant posts have had me thinking in the last few days. Probably the most important thing my parents taught me was, “There’s always someone worse off than you.” I grew up in a modest working class home. Even when times were tough, my parents volunteered to help others in whatever way they could and reminded us kids of how fortunate we were to have enough to eat and to have a roof over our heads. When my father died with no warning in 1997, we were all worried how my mother would handle this. She grieved, of course, and to this day nurses that loss. But more quickly than we could have hoped, she also returned to that basic truth, “There’s always someone worse off than you.” She’d talk about how she was fortunate because some people never get to experience the joys of a strong relationship like the one she had with my father. She started finding ways to once again be useful and to help others. Life went on. It wasn’t the same but it was very worthwhile living because she made it that way. Give yourself time to grieve, of course. As in running, I’m sure everyone must find their own way to do this. But don’t lose sight of the fact that life is bigger than any one individual; that you are fortunate to have lived—and to be living—a good life, with your health and your friends. Honor Donna through what you do with your remaining years. Most of all, call some friends and get out there to run. I understand you’re unbearable to be around if you’re not running. Wink

Your imaginary friend.

Be safe. Be kind.

wildchild

Carolyn

posted: 4/8/2009 at 11:40 AM

I'll run for you and Donna today. I hope you'll also run for you and Donna. I wish you peace and healing.

_{I hammered down the trail, passing rocks and trees like they were standing still.}

evanflein

posted: 4/8/2009 at 11:51 AM

Tom, what Steve said is very important "Do what ever it takes to keep Donna proud of you and take as long as you need to heal." She's with you and always will be. I hope you're able to talk to someone nearby about her and your aching heart. Writing it out here is good therapy, but we can't really interact in real time. I think that's important.

Teresadfp

One day at a time

posted: 4/8/2009 at 12:46 PM

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings, Tom. You probably don't realize it, but you're giving us a huge gift. Your writing makes me realize how lucky I am to have DH, and how much I love him. I took for granted that the nodule that was removed from his thyroid last month would be benign, but I realize now how thankful I should be that it turned out OK. One thing that helped me after time had gone by after my miscarriage many years ago was to talk to other women going through the same thing. Knowing that I could make a difference meant a lot. Keep writing, and I'll be praying for you. Teresa

Mariposai

posted: 4/8/2009 at 8:04 PM

I was looking for profound words to say, but the only thing that came to mind was...Tom, let us lace up our running shoes and let us go together for a short cyberspace run and let us talk about Donna. My heart is there with you my friend. Keep talking, keep sharing, keep molding the clay until the heart lets you know all is OK.

"Champions are everywhere; all you need is to train them properly..." ~Arthur Lydiard

TomD

posted: 4/8/2009 at 8:58 PM

The local hospice told me they help only those of there patiences. I plan on running on Saturday morning. I have not been sleeping well. The days are not to bad, but the lonely evenings become almost unbearable. I did finally bring the kids home from the Vet this evening. If I can get more than a few hours sleep tonight I will try to run some in the morning before work. TomD

Mariposai

posted: 4/8/2009 at 9:54 PM

ran 4 slow peaceful miles for you tonight. Sweet dreams my friend. I

"Champions are everywhere; all you need is to train them properly..." ~Arthur Lydiard

TheSaint

posted: 4/8/2009 at 9:56 PM

Tom, even if you don't get much sleep, run tomorrow. Remember, it was one of the many things Donna loved about you. Run for Donna. You're in my thoughts through this difficult time. Thank you for sharing the many charms of Donna with us. Louise

Masters Running

Donna - the Kids and I Miss you (Read 318 times)