I just need some place to vent.
DD was kicked out this morning by DH. But I can't blame him. DD graduated back in June. She's gotten a job, has a car and seemed to be doin well. The only thing we've asked of her is to help take care of the cats, keep her room clean and to clean up after herself. Seems reasonable, right? Well, she wouldn't help with the cats so I started charging her rent, $100 a month. I also told her that if she starts helpin with the cats then we will stop the rent. It didn't help. She refused to help with the cats, clean her room etc. So DH had enough and told her she needed to move out. (I warned her just last night that if she didn't straighten up then something like this would happen) So when DH told her it was time to go she packed up and left. No looking back. Come to find out she had been thinkin about this the last couple of months. But I guess she just didn't want to tell us. So she forced our hands. Living here she only had to pay $200 total ($100 for rent, $50 for ins and $50 for her phone.) The place she's moving to (which by the way is her friends parents house, so she's renting a room) is $350 a month plus her ins and phone.
My heart is so broken. I don't know what to think. I feel like we've failed her. Her attitude is so non-chalant (sp?) like she doesn't care. I'm really struggling with this. We never thought it would happen this way. She was suppose to stay with us and go to college, work, save and move out when she was stable. When I cry it's uncontrollable and I can't stop.
Please pray for us. We are both struggling right now and need Gods pleace
Dec 23 - Apocalypse Survivors Half Marathon
Jan 13 - Houston Chevron Marathon
Feb 17 - Austin Half Marathon
March 2 - Woodlands Marathon
I know you're heartbroken, but trust me when I say you are doing your daughter and yourself a HUGE favor. My sister-in-law is at home now, she's almost 30. My MIL allowed her to live rent free from the time she was in college. She never had to get a job. Now she has a job, and is in junior management at a local hardware store. At first she only asked for little things, and my MIL obliged. Then, she started moving her friends into my MIL's house. At first, it was rent-free. We eventually had to go in and kick one of them out, because she refused to leave, and my MIL didn't want to piss my SIL off. Fast forward to today, my SIL is getting married. Now, her boyfriend, who has a job, but doesn't want to work more than 20 hours a week, and another friend are wanting to live in my MIL's house rent-free. My MIL is now declaring herself incompetent, because she doesn't want to grow a set and kick these women and men out of her house.
I have learned a lot from this situation, and one thing I have learned is that even though our daughters are our babies, that it does us and them no good to coddle them. It's a heartbreaking situation, but your daughter did not hold up her end of the bargain. What she's going to realize is that she had it pretty darned good at your house. And as soon as she starts having issues, she'll be back, and she will start pulling her fair share. Don't do what my MIL is doing, don't relent continuously. Later on, she'll thank-you for it. When you are tough on your kids they succeed. My MIL has no expectations of her children, did not set up any ground rules, and she got walked all over. Your daughter will be fine, and she will recover from her anger, and eventually, I think she'll probably come back and apologize-- when she realizes that it's not always peachy at someone else's house.
But do me a huge favor-- my MIL has a girl that lives with her, and she was "renting a room", contact the owner of the house and make sure your daughter's paying her rent. That girl is about ready to be kicked to the curb by my MIL and she doesn't even realize it.
Half: 1:48 (March 3rd, 2013)
Full: 4:05:40 (March 17th, 2013)
Sub-4:00 hour Marathon
Sub- 125 poundsSub- 1:45 hour half.
I am very sorry to hear this. Praying for you and your family. I apologize but I want to share what happened to our family when our daughter left home. However, at the moment, work won't let me. Hopefully, tonight.
Brains aint me forte
I agree with much of what Jodi said. My oldest just turned 20 and is living at home while she attends college. Right now she is doing well and holding up her end of our agreements but "tough love" is always an option if she needs it. I agree 100% that we don't do our kids any favors by enabling them to be irresponsible. It took me a long time to learn how to stand on my own two feet precisely because my mother allowed me to be lazy and selfish for too long. In the end I turned out OK but things could have gone another direction and I'm very lucky.
"Address the process rather than the outcome. Then, the outcome becomes more likely." - Robert Fripp
Ah Rachel, sorry your heart is breaking. I'll comment from the other side of the equation since I don't have a child of college age yet. I grew up in a small town with no colleges nearby. If you went to college you had to leave home. Personally, I cannot imagine living at home with my folks when I was out of HS. I went to school a few hours away, found my independence and sense of self outside of my mom and dad and it was the best thing for me. I needed to make my own choices and decisions and get out from under my mom and dad's watchful eyes. They were loving watchful eyes but they were eyes that still saw me as a child. I wanted to be my own adult and that was hard to do with them telling me to clean my room (which, when it's their house, they have every right to do) but I wanted to be in charge of my life, even down to the decision of a messy room or not. My husband left for the Marine's directly out of HS. Also, the best thing for him. I know it is difficult to watch her move out and into the scary real world but she won't be the first kid to do it and, like so many before her, she (and you) will survive. She's doing what comes naturally for a child, pulling away.
I have another friend who has a daughter the same age as yours and she just went through the exact same thing. Eventually, her daughter did come back but I recall her heartbreak in the days after her daughter left. You will both get through this time of identify finding (you are also finding a new identity as that of a mother to an adult child) and God's hand will hold you through it.
Now, remind me of all of this in 6 years when my daughter leaves home. OH MY GOSH! 6 YEARS! Okay, that just hit me. That time is gonna fly, huh?
I'm sorry CC! I don't see myself in your situation for a while but I wanted to echo what everyone else said, especially PO. I got into a stupid argument with my Dad the summer before my senior year of college when I was still living at home, and it was one of the reasons I decided to move in with my girlfriend when I got back to school. Then things started moving a bit quicker, we got engaged in December, got married a year and a half after that, and now have two beautiful kids. I'm not saying I got married because I had an argument with my Dad, but I'm happy I had another reason not to want to keep living with my parents, and I think they're happy too. And the argument with your daughter sounds somewhat similar. At least the breaking point was her not cleaning her room and not something serious like drugs and alcohol. She has a job and a place to go and if it doesn't work out at her friend's house I'm sure she'll come back home to you guys with a better attitude.
Don't be heartbroken. I left the house in similar conditions (mine was more that I was contributing but they wanted to treat me like I was 15yo rather than 22) but me leaving and not talking to them for a couple months was the best thing that happened to our relationship. I was independent and learned some things. And they learned not to treat me like a child.
I thinik you guys did the right thing. She will come back as your daughter but to visit and to chat. Now you guys can enjoy your lives and she can start being responsiblie for hers.
Hope it works out in the end.
Damaris, Marathon Maniac, Ultra Runner
"The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire."