>Off the Beaten Path>Official RA Joke Thread!
Blaine Moore (MM#2867)
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Run to Win24 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)
Family and Friends
when you've run, showered, and eaten breakfast (twice) before your family/roommates even wake up.
when your family knows that you will run on Thanksgiving and Christmas (or other holidays you celebrate) no matter what.
when your friends no longer look at you like you're nuts because they know it for sure.
when you forget birthdays and anniversaries, even major holidays, but never the date of your next race.
when you have to make a real effort to remember to talk to your (non-running) family and friends about something other than running.
when your family plans vacations based on where your next marathon will be.
when your non-running family and friends know the differences between feet that are neutral, over-pronating, and supinating.
when you run so much that your family has a separate laundry basket for your running clothes.
when people stop asking you if you are going to run today, but rather ask you when.
when you tell people you ran a 10k and you are shocked that people think that is a long run.
when you call four miles an easy day.
when you try to convince people to run a 5k because it's "only" three miles.
when you no longer have to explain to your friends why cotton isn't the best choice for running attire.
when you come back after an hour-long run and your spouse says, "That was fast. I didn't expect you back so soon."
when you smirk at people who tell you that you run too much or are crazy for enjoying a run.
Thought of another one yesterday. At a shoe store, your family just rolls their eyes as you try to recall which pair of similar shoes you got the most miles out of. (yes, this literally happened yesterday...I forgot to check whether it was my Saucony grid roadsters or my progrid I got more miles out of)
'No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch'
"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'" - Peter Maher
"Running long and hard is an ideal antidepressant, since it's hard to run and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Also, there are those hours of clearheadedness that follow a long run." -Monte Davis
<font>The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.</font>
<font>'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.</font>
<font>'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.</font>
<font>'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.</font>
<font> A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.</font>
<font>What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.</font>
<font>'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.</font>
<font> Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'</font>
<font> </font><font>On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'</font>
Saw these on the ultra list this morning:
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint when a little lizardwalked past, looked up and said,"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"The koala said, "Smoking a joint; come up and have some."So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyeda few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that hewas going to get a drink from the river.The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell intothe river.A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him tothe side then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking ajoint with the koala up in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into theriver while taking a drink.The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the forestand found the tree where the koala was still sitting finishing a joint.The crocodile looked up and said, " Hey you!"So the koala looked down at him and said,"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude......How much water did you drink?!!"----------------------------------------------
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that wasenough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wifedidn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was aprocedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told theman that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then holdthe can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I maynot be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a cannext to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to geta second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedurefor a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor alsotold the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, holdit next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't bewrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held thecan up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point hepaused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his otherhand.
Wow...letting the thread fall to page 4...can't let that happen. So, here's another one:
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
Prince of Fatness
The Hookers Union A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?""No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't.""Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?""The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?""The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.""That's more like it!" the union man said.He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said."I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"NOW YOU Know what's wrong with unions.
What do a couple Doe do when they are bored?
Go into town and blow a few Bucks!
Those who try, fail! Those who do what it takes to succeed, succeed!!
Dropped to page 4...can't let that happen.
FREE HEALTH CARE If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.
and a cup of Nescafe.
"If you have the fire, run..." -John Climacus
SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Mountain man comes down to a trading post. He says to the owner, "I've been out there for a long time and am dying for some action. Do you have any ladies here?". The owner replies, "No, but we've got Old Joe in the back". The mountain man says, "Thanks, but I don't go for that shit", and heads on out.
Mountain man comes back down to the trading post months later. Again he says to the owner, "I've been out there for a long time and am dying for some action. Do you have any ladies here yet?". The owner replies, "No, but we've still got Old Joe in the back". The mountain man says, "Thanks, but I don't go for that shit", and once again heads on out.
A few more months later the mountain man comes back down to the trading post. Once again he says to the owner, "I've been out there for a long time and am dying for some action. Do you have any ladies here yet?". The owner replies, "No, but we've still got Old Joe in the back". The mountain man, desperate, finally asks "OK, if I do it with Old Joe, who will know?" . The owner replies, "You, me, Old Joe of course, and the two other guys". Mountain man says "Two other guys? What are they for?" to which the owner replies, "They're holding down Old Joe, he don't go for that shit either!".
Coming up on another month since a joke was added...so:
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the Swing," replied the drunk...
7 days without a pun leaves one weak...Warning - Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!A bacteria walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.' The bacteria said, 'But I work here, I'm staph.'Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.He wears glasses during math because it improves his division.If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.I used to be a baker who made donuts, but quit. I got tired of the hole thing.Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.It wasn't school I disliked. It was just the principal of it.She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.I thought I saw my eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.The most important thing to know about becoming a urologist is that you have to be able to go with the flow.Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin . A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's an 18 hour drive."
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington ..'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.'
Do they serve tap beer ????
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .'
The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'
Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers."
Fat butt on couch
What is the difference between a music major and a medium pizza?
A medium pizza can feed a family of four.
"If you want to be a bad a$s, then do what a bad a$s does. There's your pep talk for today. Go Run." -- Slo_Hand