>Off the Beaten Path>Official RA Joke Thread!
I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. "Honey? What's wrong" I asked.
"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"
I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"
And that's when the fight started....
- - -
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a gas station.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
I'm running somewhere tomorrow. It's going to be beautiful. I can't wait.
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
Leslie Living and Running Behind the Redwood Curtain -------------
Trail Runner Nation
I know this is a joke thread but I found this funny, which is the purpose of a joke thread right?
It's a video that my job came up with. They did a great job lol, I have seldom seen anything on YouTube so funny. It's about adults working out in the kitchen.
Strong As Steel
Strong As Steel
Now that's funny.
San Francisco - 7/29/12
Warrior Dash Ohio II - 8/26/12
Chicago - 10/7/12
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Suffering Benefiting from mature onset exercise addiction and low aerobic endorphin release threshold. Hoping there is no cure.
Women are Evil
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'
The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian Soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?' This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
Grandma’s Birth Control Pills<o:p>
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.<o:p>
“<st2:personname><st1:title>Mrs.</st1:title> <st1:sn>Smith</st1:sn></st2ersonname>, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”<o:p>
“Yes, they help me to sleep at night.”<o:p>
“<st2:personname><st1:title>Mrs.</st1:title> <st1:sn>Smith</st1:sn></st2ersonname>, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”<o:p>
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee.<o:p>
“Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. . . . And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”<o:p>
“You gotta love Grandmas!”<o:p>