Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7297 times)

AND THE DAY IS MINE!

Heh, I'm honored to be Turd Ferguson. Burt Reynolds is The Bandit. Ergo, he is always cool. BTW, check out the first two entries for Sean Connery at the Urban Dictionary.

Norm MacDonald as Burt Reynolds was great in those sketches... "I'll take Ape Tit, for 1,000"

I will be forever looking to work the word "asshattery" into polite conversation. Here is my "joke" of the day. An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the garden for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances

Copied from the internet (You've probably read it before.) Three old men sat on a porch discussing their plans for the turning of the century. Talk turned to the high and low points of the 20th century, and all agreed that in terms of technology it rivaled all other periods of history. "What you think is the greatest invention of the 20th century?" Jake asked the others. Samuel rocked a bit and then decided. "Space travel," he claimed decisively. "First the airplane take you anywhere you want to go, then the jet plane, and now the rocket ship. Pretty soon we be going out to them other planets as easy as we once rode into town." The others considered this for a minute but then Zeke stopped chewin' on a straw and offered, "Television." The others considered and nodded as Zeke explicated, "Television lets you see all over the world and all through history. It's like space travel and time travel rolled into one." Zeke and Samuel turned toward Jake to hear what he'd come up with. Jake reached into the battered old cooler and pulled out a bottle of pop. "Consider this cooler, or the 'frigerator inside, they keep your cold things cold." The men nodded. "And then you got your various warming pans, ovens and microwaves that keeps hot things hot." Again they agreed. "But the miracle of the thermos," concluded Jake, "is that it keeps hot things hot, and it keeps cool things cool." "Yup," agreed Zeke, but you could tell by his tone that he didn't think this held a candle to television. "Well," explained Jake, "what I want to know is: how it know?"

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, He laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect Any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you That I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and Card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give Me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there Will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... Whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband--Stiff At Last.'" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," And storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, That he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to Find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ***************************************** THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be t he first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

I've got a couple I wouldn't mind sharing. 1) What kind of poker hand does Bob Saget always get? A full house. 2) What did Richard Simmons do to the demon? He exercised it.