Thinking of having kids? Do this 11 step program first! Lesson 1 1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time. Lesson 2 Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who Already are parents and berate them about their... 1. Methods of discipline. 2. Lack of patience. 3. Appallingly low tolerance levels. 4. Allowing their children to run wild. 5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's Breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have All The answers. Lesson 3 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel... 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living Room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 Pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) Playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner) 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go To sleep. 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, Until 1AM. 4. Set the alarm for 3AM. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and Watch an infomercial. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM. 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard And be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful And together. Lesson 4 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all Summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed, then rub them on the clean Walls. 4. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it. 5. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? Lesson 5 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms Hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Lesson 6 Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave It out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the Back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with Your foot. 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Lesson 7 Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can Find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more Than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of Your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you Can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Lesson 8 1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the Swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby. Lesson 9 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, The Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're Thinking "What's 'Noggin"?) Exactly the point. Lesson 10 Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: allow no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Lesson 11 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is a parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

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A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City." The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates. Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?" The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."

Budgets are hard work. She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup so she would look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.....

A Priest a Rabbi and a Monk were on a fishing trip. At one point in the trip the Rabbi needs to take a pee. So he walks off the back of the boat, over the water, and pees behing a bush on the beach. The Priest stares in unbelieving silence. Later the Monk has to go too. He also walks off the back of the boat, walks on water, and pees behind the bush before returning. Once again amazing the Priest. When nature calls to the priest, he decides that his Faith is just as strong as theirs, so he tries the trick. Steps over the side of the boat and Plummets under the water... When the other see this, the Monk leans over to the Rabbi and whispers, "You think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

The Negligee A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500-- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Once upstairs, the wife thinks, I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well not be there. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked. I'll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500 , they'd at least iron it! He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13." The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....."