Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7296 times)

Princess Cancer Pants

    Thinking of having kids? Do this 11 step program first! Lesson 1 1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time. Lesson 2 Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who Already are parents and berate them about their... 1. Methods of discipline. 2. Lack of patience. 3. Appallingly low tolerance levels. 4. Allowing their children to run wild. 5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's Breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have All The answers. Lesson 3 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel... 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living Room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 Pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) Playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner) 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go To sleep. 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, Until 1AM. 4. Set the alarm for 3AM. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and Watch an infomercial. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM. 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard And be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful And together. Lesson 4 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all Summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed, then rub them on the clean Walls. 4. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it. 5. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? Lesson 5 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms Hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Lesson 6 Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave It out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the Back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with Your foot. 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Lesson 7 Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can Find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more Than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of Your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you Can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Lesson 8 1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the Swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby. Lesson 9 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, The Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're Thinking "What's 'Noggin"?) Exactly the point. Lesson 10 Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: allow no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Lesson 11 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is a parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

    '17 Goals:

    • Chemo

    • Chemo-Radiation

    • Surgery

    • Return to kicking my own ass by 2018


    She was not strong. She was valiant. Radiant. Brave and broken. The beauty she discovered in the aftermath was unparalleled to anything she had known before, because it had come at such a cost.

    ~ Unknown

      Personal Records 5K - 21:35


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        Run to Win
        25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)

        Relocated NE

          High class jewelry shop A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she farted. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.’

          Consistently Slow

            A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City." The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates. Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?" The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."

            Run until the trail runs out.

             SCHEDULE 2016--

             The pain that hurts the worse is the imagined pain. One of the most difficult arts of racing is learning to ignore the imagined pain and just live with the present pain (which is always bearable.) - Jeff

            unsolicited chatter


            Relocated NE

              How to get rid of a one night stand
                Budgets are hard work. Big grin She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup so she would look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back..... Surprised



                  Two elderly, lonley widows befriended each other and began meeting for lunch every Tuesday. As the years passed, they began having difficulty with their memory. One Tuesday at lunch, one lady said to the other, "I'm embarrassed that I have to ask this, but what is your name?" The other lady paused, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"


                      Bush's Tragedy One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.'' "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"


                        A Priest a Rabbi and a Monk were on a fishing trip. At one point in the trip the Rabbi needs to take a pee. So he walks off the back of the boat, over the water, and pees behing a bush on the beach. The Priest stares in unbelieving silence. Later the Monk has to go too. He also walks off the back of the boat, walks on water, and pees behind the bush before returning. Once again amazing the Priest. When nature calls to the priest, he decides that his Faith is just as strong as theirs, so he tries the trick. Steps over the side of the boat and Plummets under the water... When the other see this, the Monk leans over to the Rabbi and whispers, "You think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

                        Run to Win
                        25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)


                          A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?" The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
                            The Negligee A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500-- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Once upstairs, the wife thinks, I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well not be there. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked. I'll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500 , they'd at least iron it! He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.

                            San Diego 1997: 4:59:59, San Diego 1999: 4:37:23, Carlsbad 2008: 6:32:21, America's Finest City Half Aug 2008: ??

                            "Run if you can. Walk if you must. Crawl if you have to. Just don't give up."
                              A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
                                I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13." The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....."

                                Greater Lowell Road Runners
                                Cry havoc and let slip the dawgs of war!

                                May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your SPF30, may the rains fall soft upon your sweat-wicking hat, and until you hit the finish line may The Flying Spaghetti Monster hold you in the hollow of His Noodly Appendage.