>Off the Beaten Path>Official RA Joke Thread!
I like stupid jokes!
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
I am often the only person laughing when I tell this joke...
In the beginning, the universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
--- Douglas Adams, in "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
Princess Cancer Pants
• Return to kicking my own ass by 2018
I may have posted this one before.
A young man from Tennessee is on vacation in Cancun, and meets a young woman on spring break.
"What school do you go to?" he asks.
"Yale," she replies.
He shouts, "WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO?"
It's been a while since anybody shared any jokes...so here's a few more.
A shepherd says to his sheepdog, "Can you run up to the top field and count those sheep I bought yesterday?"
The sheepdog replies, "No problem, boss," and runs off. Ten minutes later, he returns and says, "There are 40 sheep up there."
The shepherd replies "That's funny; I only bought 37."
The dog says, "Well, I'm a sheep dog. I round things up."
During a recent password audit at our company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Run to Win25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)
An engineer dies and reports to hell.
wanna hear a joke about a cookie?
nevermind its a crummy one.
wanna hear a joke about poop?
nevermind its too corny.
You'll ruin your knees!
following that theme...
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies together as they gyrated to their own beat. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just pop into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said,
"The little b***ards!"
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."
The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
""...the truth that someday, you will go for your last run. But not today—today you got to run." - Matt Crownover (after Western States)
A guy is late for work so he's racing trying to get there. While crossing over a bridge doing 80 a cop catches him on radar and pulls him over. The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work, and I'm late." The cop says, "What do you do for a living?" The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop says. "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?" The guy says, "Well I stretch rectums". The cop asks, "Well how do ya do that"? The guy replies "Well first I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then a whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull their rectum farther and farther, until it's a full six feet across." The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a six foot a*****e?" The guy says, "Give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."
Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
'No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch'
"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'" - Peter Maher
"Running long and hard is an ideal antidepressant, since it's hard to run and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Also, there are those hours of clearheadedness that follow a long run." -Monte Davis
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, so I
I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances
easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over"?