>Off the Beaten Path>Official RA Joke Thread!
What is the difference between a music major and a medium pizza?
A medium pizza can feed a family of four.
What is the difference between a music major and a medium pizza?
A medium pizza can feed a family of four.
I had pizza last night.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Run to Win25 Marathons, 17 Ultras, 16 States (Full List)
Running is stupid
Prince of Fatness
A conservative, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The conservative looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the conservative requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.The next patron to come in was a libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a liberal on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about gettin’ me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?The waitress nodded, so the liberal directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the conservative, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The conservative felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.Jesus passed by the libertarian, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the liberal, who immediately jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m collecting disability!”
Fear is a Liar
Ok, so I may be a month behind but here goes :
Why don't witches wear underwear ? So they can get a better grip on the broom!
I'm so vegetarian I don't even eat animal crackers!
Why does Irish Chili only have 239 beans?
One more bean would be twofarty.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member ~ Groucho Marx.
Maggie & Molly
late too but...
What did the ghost say to the bees?
"It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop."Wisdom of Confucius
1stBrn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Unicrn
I haven't read through all of these yet so I hope this one hasn't been posted.
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?'" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?' "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
A man is going to see his Chinese friend in the hospital. He is trying to talk to him, but they don't really speak the same language. the chinese man only knows a little english. All of the sudden, the Chinese man tries to call out, Li kai yang qi guan! The english man leans in closer, and asks him to repeat it. "Li kai yang qi guan! Li kai yang qi guan!" the other man calls repeatedly. The english man never figured it out, but the Chinese man died. So he tried to find the meaning of 'li kai yang qi guan.' He asks everybody, but nobody knows what he is saying. Then, he comes across a couple of Chinese teenagers, and he rushes up to them. " I was visiting my Chinese friend in the hospital, and he said his last words to me in Chinese, but I don't know what they mean. Can you translate them for me?" The boys tell him that they can, so he tells them. "he said, 'li kai yang qi guan!'" The boys tried to hide their smiles, then they looked at eachother. Then one said, "It means, 'get off my oxygen tube'."
I wish I was as young as I look in the forum picture! But I'm not. :(
Meat is Murder
Two women are talking about relationships and sex.
Woman 1: Do you smoke after sex?
woman 2 (thinking for a little while): You know what? I never checked.
Putin told me how to vote.
Princess Cancer Pants
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
• Return to kicking my own ass by 2018
She was not strong. She was valiant. Radiant. Brave and broken. The beauty she discovered in the aftermath was unparalleled to anything she had known before, because it had come at such a cost.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?'Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''No,' I replied.'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'So I wrote down: I D 1 0 TI used to like Eric.......
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was. She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was. She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles. "Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."I was dumbfounded. Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
My leg won't stop mooing.
i think i've got a calf injury.
Here at work we have ID10T as well as PEBCAK issues. (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard)
Well at least someone here is making relevance to the subject. - S.J.
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a run-down house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He stops and knocks on the door.
The owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever lying under a tree.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with diplomats and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of the CIA's most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at JFK doing some undercover airport security. I wandered around near suspicious characters and listened in. I helped bust drug smugglers and people trying to sneak into the country. I even alerted the TSA to a terrorist trying to bring a bomb on a plane in his underwear. I received a bunch of medals of honor and got to meet the President. Along the way I got married and had a mess of puppies. Now, I'm retired but I still help the local police and fire departments with search and rescue missions."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?!"
"Because he's a big LIAR!"