Forums >Off the Beaten Path>How to deal with a bully in your running club?
Hi all, I'm looking for opinions of how best to handle a situation that I have been dealing with for nearly a year. I'm in a hashing club (quasi-running club that also enjoys drinking, being social etc.) with my boyfriend. My boyfriend started hashing with a girl he dated who is also in the club. They dated for about a year but it was not exclusive and even when he started dating me they remained friends. That being said, he did take some time off from the club (6 months) to let wounds heal etc. I hadn't hashed in a decade but when he and I started dating he told me about the club and we got back into it. For the most part it has been a very fun and unique experience! The girl he dated and I tend to be the quickest runners and so we are ahead of the group often which is when she becomes verbally abusive. I have gone out of my way to attempt to be nice to her and at first I thought I was making progress. A few months ago she was suddenly very nice and we had a nice time running together... but later that day, after she had taken my guard down, proceeded to tell me explicit things about their sexual life, and various other completely inappropriate things that were meant to hurt me. Since then, I have been very guarded with her and attempted to surround myself with other members of the group. She always waits until others are out of ear shot. This past weekend I finally asked her, when we were alone, why she was being so cruel to me and my boyfriend and she denied ever saying anything. I asked her to not speak to me if she didn't have anything nice to say... which of course did not go well. I could go further with the specifics of the situation and other things she has done but you get the idea.
I have really tried to understand her anger and emphasize that perhaps she has had it rough, but I am at my wits end. I am by no means a perfect person but I can honestly say I have not uttered one cruel word to her or to anyone in the club about her so her animosity is very difficult to understand. I haven't said anything to anyone in the group because I don't want this to be their problem or for them to have to pick sides. She is very active in the group and honestly, when she is not being cruel to me, is actually very pleasant and funny. If you were in this situation and their were no other running groups of this kind in your area how would you approach the situation?
BTW the ages here are 32 (me), 37 (boyfriend), maybe mid 20's (bully)
Thank you very much in advance!
Half Fanatic #846
Apparently she blames you for losing the boyfriend, maybe for being a faster runner too. Trying "to understand her anger" probably isn't going to happen. Whenever she begins to talk to you inappropriately, you should tell her so and walk away every time. Right now, you are allowing her to "corner you" and you are putting up with it, so she takes advantage. It's not rude to walk away from a rude person. This girls intention is to make you miserable, but she won't risk it publicly because she knows it is inappropriate. Others in the club will judge you on your personal interactions with them. Maybe someone else will have another solution. Just my 2c worth - Good luck!
"I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's usually my ankle" - unk. "Frankly autocorrect, I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt". I ran half my last race on my left foot!
Here are a few ideas
a) Run her into the ground. harder running = less talking = less interaction + you get the satisfaction
b) stop running with the group and encourage boyfriend to do the same
c) Run together with your boyfriend
She is probably still hung up on your guy. No psychoanalysis needed.
"Shut up Legs!" Jens Voigt
runktrun
I agree that you likely won't be able to understand her motives and make peace with her, at least not due to your efforts. I think the best thing to do is take the high road - every single time. Try to not let her words get to you, and avoid one on one situations with her as best as possible. Maybe hang back and run with a bigger, albeit slower, group on your runs and hashes. And you're right to not discuss it too much with other club members lest they misinterpret a "she said, she said" scenario. Sucks, but she obviously still has issues with her past relationship. She might resent you for locking down her ex when she was only ever able to have an open relationship with him, and thus wants to tell you things to make you see him in a different light, or to prove that she had something with him that you will never have (well duh! all relationships are unique...). Either way, stay guarded if you want to continue running with this club.
Not running for my health, but in spite of it.
Thanks for all your input! I agree with your action steps 100% and sounds a lot like what I have been doing... I guess I just thought it would diminish over time and fix itself. It stinks that poor behavior is often rewarded, or at the very least, overlooked (meaning I have to be the one to leave the club and miss my other friends or not run at my normal pace just to avoid her). It has just been a bit of an adjustment... I haven't had to deal with a bully like this since high school and while we all like to believe words don't hurt, they do!
Does the verbal abuse / dirty talk start after a few drinks ... I tend to get poor judgement after I have been drinking. Sometimes singing dirty songs or telling dirty jokes.
I am assuming you have talked to your boyfriend about it?
Maybe she just needs to get laid (Ooops there I go again) - I am sure we could send some visiting HHH guys or girls your way and take care of it.
I am fuller bodied than Dopplebock
Yes, my boyfriend is fully aware of the situation. He is often on the receiving end of her abuse as well.... I just hope that Karma rights these wrongs! While this is upsetting for me I imagine all the negative energy has to be eating her up inside. Oh well, not going to spend one more minute of this night thinking about it! Have a great night all!
delicate flower
Next time she isn't looking, poop in her shoe.
<3
Hold up. Let's not ruin perfectly good running shoes over this nonsense.
You should quit the club. She was there first (Edited to add: and other than this drama, seems to be well liked by everyone in the group which indicates she's probably not a complete sociopath) and your boyfriend is not being very sensitive to either of you.
He's a 37 yo who dates a mid-20 yo for a year non-exclusively and then brings the new girlfriend to the club and expects what exactly?
Surely you can find a half dozen other runners in your town that like to drink.
My blog is JT Running DC. It's awesome. Guide to Washington DC Area Running Routes. Guide to the New York City Marathon. Guide to the Boston Marathon. Guide to Running Gear. Guide to Running Clothes.
Feeling the growl again
He's a 37 yo who dates a mid-20 yo for a year non-exclusively and then brings the new girlfriend to the club and expects what exactly? Surely you can find a half dozen other runners in your town that like to drink.
Kind of my thoughts. That and why you allow some mid-20s meanie to make you her mental plaything. You only get bullied when you give them that power over you.
"If you want to be a bad a$s, then do what a bad a$s does. There's your pep talk for today. Go Run." -- Slo_Hand
I am spaniel - Crusher of Treadmills
Hold up. Let's not ruin perfectly good running shoes over this nonsense. You should quit the club. She was there first (Edited to add: and other than this drama, seems to be well liked by everyone in the group which indicates she's probably not a complete sociopath) and your boyfriend is not being very sensitive to either of you. He's a 37 yo who dates a mid-20 yo for a year non-exclusively and then brings the new girlfriend to the club and expects what exactly? Surely you can find a half dozen other runners in your town that like to drink.
Yes, this.
queen of headlamps
$0.02: From her perspective, her ex-boyfriend is now bringing his new flame to her running club. This doesn't excuse her behavior, but it might explain it somewhat, and I can't imagine alcohol helps with the inhibitions!
If it were me, I'd have to decide whether the companionship in the running club was worth putting up with her; if it is, best not to engage her directly for a bit. If not, there's a lot of people who like to run and drink beer. Doesn't need to be with his ex.
Hey, another running blog.
Interval Junkie --Nobby
The good part is that you know what to expect. If you're interested in this sorta thing, it's a nice occasion to practice handling jerks. Before you quit the club, or whatever, try some of the following. Speed up ever time she starts -- immediately when she starts. Do weird things to throw her off like taking a (wrong) turn and immediate start shouting "Off-Off!". Agree with her. Or just reply in nonsensical ways (you can prep these ahead of time so you don't have to come up with things while running on the spot) -- she says, you know X and I used to <insert nasty>. Just reply, "I like eggs, but I don't eat anchovies, because they taste like eyebrow."
Practice detachment, equanimity. Become a Buddhist hasher.
And if it stops being fun, or interesting, just leave.
Remember, she's 20-something. She's saying these things out of her own damage and pain. She's lashing out because she is miserable. It's her problem.
Also, I'd like to point out that sociopaths are often a hoot in groups (though, not in groups of sociopaths -- those are just scary).
2021 Goals: 50mpw 'cause there's nothing else to do
Or, another way to look at it ... Why A Fulfilling Life Requires Difficulty.
What Julia said!!