Hey kids!

I ran a half marathon. Actually, two, so I’m behind. This is the story of the Half Marathon That Wasn’t.

When I signed up for the Greensburg Half, I didn’t expect much, because it was the first year, and you know, working out the kinks and whatnot. But hey, why not? Right?

That’s fair.

So, we got up at 4am and made the trek there. I slept on the way, so I really can’t speak to what happened. Once we got there, they were running around because “they had no safety pins.”

Right? I mean, that’s a basic need of a race. Also, the first heat was finishing.

That’s right, they had two heats. They had a 5K, 10K, and a half marathon. Two heats of both. This just seems complicated, no?

But whatever. Eventually some random lady gave me pins, so I don’t really know if the race people got them or not. I will say that they had under 300 people in all six races (two heats), so my main concern was getting lost. Seriously. I felt panicked about it.

They tried to explain the course and I felt even more panicked, so I just decided if I got lost I’d call Frank and we’d get a pizza and cry on the side of the road.

I’d cry. Frank wouldn’t.

So, the race began, and it was sort of confusing, what with a random lap and “turn when you see this lady” or whatever. Listen. I mean, if I’m going to run a half marathon, I’m not going to need to be thinking about directions. The way they were explaining this shitshow, I was thinking I should have maybe brought my Tom Tom and a map.

YEAH I HAVE A TOM TOM. Get over that.

I think you can see the panic in my face. Also, why didn’t I just stop for an ice cream cone?

ALSO, I regretted those sleeves like, at mile .35.

Anyhow. You go up, basically a mountain the first mile, but since it’s an out-and-back, you get to run down it at the end. For as much as I hate hills, I’m decent at them. I just don’t do them. And I realize I could definitely be a better runner if I actually ran outside, but you know, outside is so outsidey, and I don’t really care for it.

I didn’t really intend to use a lot of Gaga in this post. But it’s happening, and I’m going with it because I’ve been trying to write this race report for 3 weeks, and I’m over it.

So, I’m running, right? And I notice that their markers are REALLY short. Some seem to get back on course, but over all, their markers are coming up a good .1 or .2 earlier for me, and I started my Garmin before I crossed the line. Still, I feel like I did a pretty good job the first half or so:

Mile 1: 9:14

Mile 2: 9:12

Mile 3: 9:08

Mile 4: 9:10

Mile 5: 9:01

Mile 6: 8:54 (What is this fuckery?)

I will say that somewhere along the mile 5/6 area, out to the turn-around, it’s really, really depressing. It’s behind some sort of industrial park, and there were these semis blowing by. It was a sad scene.

A rather enthusiastic fellow turned me around at the turn-around, and I made my way back through depression town.

And somewhere along this time, I REALLY thought maybe I’d just quit. On the way BACK, the wind was blowing in your face, and it was slightly uphill, but only enough to think you were trudging through mud, but you couldn’t really FEEL like you were going uphill.

People I passed in the beginning were passing me.

One guy that I passed (that I THINK ran both heats—so he ran a full marathon, with a break in the middle, because he apparently is a crazy person full of crazy things and also crazy) said some sort of words of encouragement, but I didn’t hear them. I laughed. I mean, that seems to be my go-to when I don’t hear someone. I just laugh.

Mile 7: 9:01

Mile 8: 9:15

Mile 9: 10:28

Mile 10: 9:42

At this point, I was just praying for the end of the race or death. Whatever came first. I was not picky.

I’m almost there, Rosalita. Hang in there and eat some Cheetos or whatever you do.

I mean, nothing about this race was especially hard. It’s mostly on a crushed limestone trail, so I sort of understand why people would like running on that, except that it’s just squishy enough that my feet kept grabbing for something. I don’t know if that’s why this felt harder to me, or I’m just a crazy person.

The trail portion was actually sort of nice. I just had a rough time with this for some reason, especially when I got to the sharper uphill towards mile 12.

Mile 11: 9:57

Mile 12: 9:17

At the crest (almost) of the hardest part, a girl I had been running with for about 3 miles said something to me, and surprise, I laughed. She must have made some point about being tired or not wanting to run the downhill, or something, because I flew down the downhill and she just didn’t keep up at all. I was so relieved to see that downhill I probably would have had babies with it.

I know. I’m really struggling to make this interesting.

Fair point, but if you give me a tiny sweatshirt, I’m going to put it on my cat. I’m going to take a picture of it. And I’m going to post it on Facebook.

So, the last “mile” looks like this:

Mile 13: 8:49.

I say “mile”, because my Garmin puts me at 12.68.

That is SHORT. VERY short. The BL race was around .2 short, because they don’t know what they are doing, but this is REALLY short. Like, these people did NOT measure correctly. However, they don’t like to hear that, because when I mentioned it on their website, tons of people were like “It’s your Garmin, they aren’t accurate.” There was a big pile-on fight about it, in which the people who knew something about races actually agreed with me, and the people who were running their first race did not, because they didn’t want to have to run another one.

Bottom line: If it’s measured right, almost always should your Garmin be LONG, even just a little. I mean, NO WAY should it be short by a half a mile. Because it’s almost physically impossible to run the tangents 100% correctly. I basically tried that, and when no one would listen, I said “I guess 13 of the last 15 halfs I ran were wrong. I’ll let Pittsburgh, Columbus, Cleveland, and all the huge races know.”

I mean, I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, but I thought the race organizers would like to know for NEXT YEAR. This is the first year. I wasn’t overly upset about it, I was just trying to give feedback.

But here’s the shits. I PRed. I ran that bitch in 1:58:24.3. And I don’t know what to do. I mean. It wasn’t a half marathon. I might have still PRed, but not under 2 hours, which is my main goal.

I still don’t feel happy about it. I don’t know what to feel about it. If that’s my fastest “half marathon” ever, I think I’ll always feel sad, but I’m also sort of almost done running half marathons, I think. This was number 15, and I want to run 20. If I do more than 20, that’s fine, but I have to run 20 before I make Life Decisions that might affect running half marathons.

I’M JUST SAYING AT SOME POINT I HAVE TO RETIRE.

Garmin stats:

See? Not a half marathon. Not even remotely close to a half marathon (ok, I guess it’s remotely close depending on your definition of such).

Also that bitch cut me off right at the end, and I was sort of irritated by that. That is bad form. If you have enough in you to sprint like that, run harder next time.

So, like, thanks for ruining my finish photos with your incredibly photogenic self, ya freak bitch. I will blame the fact that my lumbering finish photos are not nearly as gazelle-like on YOU. Because that’s how I roll. I blame others for my downfalls as a human being. Sorry ‘bout it. You are welcome for it. The end.

So, also, in addition to it sort of not really being a half marathon, apparently people were pissed because there were no medals. I mean, fine. I didn’t expect one. But apparently they DID promise them, and they had to cut the budget. THAT. Is not cool. I don’t remember them ever being promised, so I just assumed there wouldn’t be any, because it was such a small race, but people were PISSED. And when I said “well, it was a cheap race,” I got blasted, because it was a cheap race for me (I signed up early and I think it was $40), but I forgot that they increased the price as time went on, and some people paid $90 for that garbage. If I paid $90, I would have been PISSED.

Because, in addition to no medal, not being a real half marathon, there was nothing at the finish. Some empty boxes of granola bars, a few things of water, and exactly 3 oranges. And I ran it in under an hour. There should have been SOMETHING left.

I mean, I didn’t care, because I was going to eat somewhere, but they really, really needed to put more thought into this. And I understand that the proceeds went to something or another (it was something to do with war veterans, I think), and that is really noble, for real, but take care of the runners, and put on a for real race, and give us what you promised. That’s all I’m saying.

So, because of the Lack Of Medals Fiasco, I made my own, because I’m crafty with a glue gun, remember?

It’s not my best work.

But, here is my updated race rack.

SO, you can see why it’s bothering me that I have that PR thinger, and this “medal” gets to be displayed there, but it’s maybe not real? I don’t know. I get caught up in details.

Also, super awesome race shirt that isn’t really super awesome, but I wore it to bed for like a week and a half straight, so I guess it’s ok, right?

So, would I do it again? Yeah. Probably, because it was close and we didn’t need to stay in a hotel or anything. But. They really need medals and better race stuff if they are going to continue to charge that much. Also, add a half mile, please. Thanks.

Coming Up: Akron Half Marathon Race Report (spoiler alert, it was also hard, but much more awesome)

I will be sad if there are only 5 more staceyloobug race reports!

Nice job.....your splits look great! Congrats on a well run race....that sucks that it was short so frustrating. Maybe call it a 20K?

That's good stuff right there.  DIY medals rock.

I have a secret. Ok, maybe it's not so much of a secret since apparently everyone is thinking it: I love reading your race reports.

There, I said it. I guess it's not a secret any more.

Courses need to be accurate. Nothing drives me more crazy than a short or long course.  Also, if you say you're giving away finisher medals, give them away. Find a way to get it done. I guess tons of other races can do it, apparently this one can't?

With that said, I wouldn't run this race if I had the chance. It sounds like they have their heads up their asses. It sounds like a rather depressing course. Yeah, if I was ever in the Greensburg area when this race was going on, I wouldn't run it.

Ugh on the short course and no medals!  Yay on the PR, cute kitties and DIY medal!

Great report, it read like something from The Oatmeal.

Too bad that the organizers didn't do much organizing, and that shirt is truly bad. (But your awesome homemade medal covers for it).

No food at the finish?  Oh my.  And I would be irritated at the short course (not while actually running, because by 12 miles I'm ready to be done...but later when I knew there would be a mental asterisk by my finish time).  If a race says they are giving finisher medals, they should have them.

Definitely a poorly-organized race, but very entertaining race report. 

Thanks for the kind words everyone!

Here's where I'm at with it. It's close, and I love a race. So I'd do it again. However, given that it's in September, and we are Virginia Tech season ticket holders, the liklihood that I CAN do it again is slim. Plus, I think Virginia Tech HAD a half marathon that same weekend, and I was so pissed, because I much would have rather done that, but I had already signed up for Greensburg.

Maybe they will listen to feedback and get it right next year? I don't know. We can hope!

And to those that have decided to be sad that I won't be writing a lot of reports--do not fear. I hope to still run races, but I will probably have a break, and then go back to 5Ks and shorter races after having offspring, for at least a while. It would be less of a retirement and more of a leave of absense.