I don't post all the "Ask Spareribs" columns that I write for my club newsletter, but I thought you might enjoy this one because it deals with a subject familiar to us all. Do any of you see yourselves in here? Dear Spareribs: I’ve seldom had injuries, but this past week I’m bothered by a sharp pain in the back of my right upper leg where it joins the hip. It has shortened my stride considerably and is painful during and after my runs. I’m thinking of going to a sports medicine doctor. What do you think? Ken M. in Flower Mound Dear Ken: Call a doctor? Are you kidding me? What kind of runner are you? Real runners don’t go to the doctor before first implementing the “90-day Injured Runner Rule.” This rule states that as soon as a big injury asserts itself you must spend the first 90 days doing stupid and useless things. Only after you have gone through that process may you even think of calling a doctor. Now here’s what you do for the next 90 days: 1. For the first 30 days, continue to run on the injury hoping it will go away, but tell all your friends, even those who don’t run, all about the injury, then tell them again. On an 8-miler at the Club, tell the group you are running with every detail, how it hurts, where it hurts, when it hurts, that sort of thing. Ask them if they’ve had this injury, how it was diagnosed and what they did about it. If any of them suggest going to the doctor, stop talking to them and find someone else. At the 4-mile turnaround, you will certainly be with a different group (duh!) and you must go through it again. Leave no one out! Back at the Clubhouse, look for others you haven’t talked to about your injury and tell them. You’ll be amazed to find that people are dying to hear about your injury and have great advice. I know when I go to the Club I am always hoping someone will come up to me and talk about his injury. I’ve gotten speeding tickets on my way to the Club because I love it so much. 2. For the next 30 days go on the internet to learn about your injury, but don’t stop running! (If you were to stop running you might heal and then you would look foolish.) So mess around on the internet with all your injured friends. You can always spot them. They used to complain of having a sore butt. Now they have a subluxation of the anterior psoas bursa of the Fallopian Tube. While you’re on the internet, order some gadgets, supplements and ointments. For example, the Stick, one of the most important healing devices used in the New Testament, will almost immediately heal torn muscles or fractured femurs. And remember, you don’t just apply Bio-Freeze, you wear it! Slather it on liberally until dogs in other towns bark at night. There’s a woman in our Club who can empty the Clubhouse with one application. 3. Stretch for 30 days. If you have never stretched before then it must be how you got injured, so stretch with wild abandon, especially the sorest part of the muscle. For your injury Ken, you know you can’t extend that leg out in front of you right? That’s because the sore area of the muscle is too tight and won’t allow you to RUN! Attack that muscle with a series of violent stretches. Likewise, make sure to go to a massage therapist who uses the point of his elbow on the sore area. Find out which of the local massagers are best at making people cry and use only them. If after this the injury hasn’t healed, then I suppose you may call the doctor, but it’s generally a bad idea. Good luck anyway. Spareribs

Ribs, LOL. Even running doctors don't go to doctors until their injury manifests itself after, say, a marathon. Of course, I speak from personal experience. Once I saw a doctor I stopped getting hugs on the running sites. Keep up the 'good' advice..

Oh Ribs, you really had me going for awhile there. I then thought about it for an hour or so and I think I have found some flaws in your theory that lead me to believe this may be tongue in cheek. The evidence: Runners seldom if ever get injured. Oh sure there might be a tweak or sharp pain here or there, but that is not an injury. That is why they aren't going to the doctor. If it is diagnosed by a professional then it is an injury, otherwise I am just overcoming adversity. "injured runners" tell everyone about their "injury". Again, false. I have never heard anyone complain, nor seen anyone post about these so called injuries. I don't know what kind of bed wetters you hang out with, but nobody ever complains about the weather, their garmin, their spouse not helping around the house, much less about a phantom injury. They look up information about their symptoms on the internet. Nice try. I googled running noninjuries with inconvenient pain and do you know what I came up with? Zilch. But the true giveaway...subluxation of the anterior psoas bursa of the Fallopian Tube. Everyone knows that you can only sublux the posterior psoas bursa of the Fallopian Tube. Please keep your eyes on this man, There is no telling what he will try to get us with next.

I just about spit coffee all over my screen. My boss' came wandering out of their offices wondering what the hell I was snorting at.

That's quite a lulu there. Speaking of Lulu...have you ever thought of collecting these into a little "Ask Spareribs" volume? It would make a great gift.

I would buy the Ask Spareribs collection, it would make for great reading.