Masters Running

12

Non running advice. Family Drama. It’s ok to skip this. (Read 47 times)

SteveP


    My younger brother is clinically schizophrenic. Several years ago he took himself off of his medication and has systematically removed family members from his life. He sees himself as “The Messenger of God”.  Our mom passed away and so has his father. 

    A few years ago he showed up homeless and penniless. He moved in with my wife and I with the stipulation that he’d be out the first time he got aggressive. After a few  days he locked himself in his room and was gone in little over a week. He left a scathing letter and demanded that we stay out of his life.  A copy of that letter was filed with the county police in a county neither of us lived in. My wife is afraid of him now.

    I’ve stalked his Facebook page without interacting. Yesterday, he set up a GoFundMe page. He claims he is living in a storage shed in Northern Michigan. That may be true.
    There’s also the assertion that he’s avoiding the police. That part is the paranoia. As long as he’s not a credible threat, the law won’t get involved. 

    He wants to raise 10,000.00 to get his book published, buy musical equipment and get 1st/last months rent. He’s claiming his problems are from a head trauma in his 20s. That indicates, to me, that he’s still in denial. I told my wife that he’s not getting a cent until he’s back on medication and in therapy. I’ve learned that I cannot reason with a person who isn’t reasonable. She wants to send money regardless. 

    Should I call him out publicly on his Facebook page or in a private message? I’ve called behavioral health places he’s had experience with. No one has returned the calls. His former therapist has retired and I can’t find who took the practice over. 


    SteveP

    Notne


      Tough question, it's obvious you want the best for him and you're thinking maybe calling him out on Facebook will help him in the big picture.

       

      Have you considered in detail by what mechanism you think calling him out will help him? Is it that you would be removing his latest source of harmful self-denial, possibly forcing him to finally face reality and thus start him on a road to true recovery?

       

      Though that could be a great outcome of your outing him, it's worth considering there could be other outcomes possible as well, some of which might backfire, causing him more emotional stress and pushing him towards a worse place mentally. It's too bad that his old therapist is not available to discuss this with, they would have had the best insight. I'm not surprised his old health clinics are not returning your calls though, HIPAA is a very strong deterrent to sharing health care information with others, even family members, unless the patient has explicitly allowed that, in writing.

       

      In the absence of being able to discuss with a mental health provider who knows your brother personally, I'd recommend booking some time with "any" psychiatrist to review your brother's situation in general, and consider their advice strongly as you make your decision whether to out him.

       

      From a practical standpoint - if you/your wife fear your brother on a physical letter, I'd imagine he might become enraged at you for "interfering" from afar, possibly interpreting your well-meaning actions as an attempt to sabotage his life after he moved so far away, "to start over".

       

      Good luck … it's a hard situation to be in, and my heart goes out to you.

        Money isn't going to help him. I think you're right to not send any unless he's having his condition taken care of. And even then, to not send it directly to HIM, but to one of the things he needs to pay (landlord, therapist, etc).

        He wants the money, not help, because he doesn't think he needs any help. We have a friend like this but they are not in financial straits because they got on disability 20 years ago. It's one scheme after another, non-stop drama. It's tough when it's family, but funding their craziness isn't helping them.

        60-64 age group  -  University of Oregon alumni  -  Irreverent and Annoying

          I'm so sorry, Steve.  I would not recommend sending money.  I also don't think I would call him out either publicly or privately.  He isn't rational and it won't do any good.  He will just become angry.  I would just accept that there is nothing you can do to help him right now.   It's tough.

          Out there running since dinosaurs roamed the earth

           

            Steve - Both Notne and Bill have given some solid advice.  Weigh very carefully the pos and cons of "outing" your brother on social media and the possible consequences.  Will it actually help him or just add fuel to the fire?  If it's the idea of people sending him money because of a Go Fund Me page, it's on those individuals to ensure there's a legitimate need.

             

            As Bill said, there's a fine line between assisting someone financially because they are in need of real financial help and helping them continue in their disease/denial.  I agree with him that if your wife feels strongly about providing some sort of financial assistance, then provide it to the item that needs the money - the rent, the utilities, something along that line.  Outright giving him money just helps to enable and perpetuate the problem.

             

            Mental illness is a tough, tough thing, Steve.  You know you guys will be in my prayers.

            Leslie
            Living and Running Behind the Redwood Curtain
            -------------

            Trail Runner Nation

            Sally McCrae-Choose Strong

            Bare Performance

             

              I have to agree with you and the others about not sending him money directly. I also wouldn't call him out publicly on FB and if he's not on his meds even private messaging probably won't get you anywhere. Sounds like he is not in a position to listen to reason.

               

              As far as the clinics/mental health sites he went to, they really can't give you any information. I can't even speak with anyone about Justin without his permission because of the privacy laws even tho he is on my insurance. It can be frustrating for sure, but they are more than happy to take my money to cover his health care costs, but that's another issue.

               

              So hard, keeping all of you in my prayers!!

              denise

                FWIW, recent developments with a 2nd cousin who we've tried to help out are sort of in the same vein. After 3 years of "renting" a house she's paid a total of $150 and there's always an excuse. Got robbed at a gas station. Got bank account "hacked" (like that ever happens). Ex husband died. Had to declare bankruptcy. Is paying her son's college loan. Got robbed again. Sister tried suicide and is in a coma. We finally told her she has to move out and gave her 6 months notice, which is up May 1. Yesterday my Mom gets a call from her son, and he is floored by what his mother is telling him (2nd cousin told him all the same things on a visit this week). His Dad is alive and well. His Aunt is perfectly fine. And he paid off his own college loan 10 years ago. It turns out that everything is some sort of lie. The 2nd cousin is a hypochondriac and goes to the emergency room for every sniffle and stubbed toe. She is close to being morbidly obese. Her (our) house is filled with boxes from Amazon (my brother peeked in the window last month). It's a whole plethora of mental illness symptoms. But, she's very nice and personable, I've always liked visiting with her. It's sad she's gotten to this point.

                 

                Like Steve, we're not quite sure of the best approach to the whole thing, but have a pretty good idea. And that idea is to cut off all ties until she gets stable. And maybe not even then, because she defrauded my Mom this whole time.

                60-64 age group  -  University of Oregon alumni  -  Irreverent and Annoying

                Mariposai


                  Steve, please know how much I appreciate you sharing this with us. Mental health issues affect us all since we all have families, kids, parents, friends who are suffering with this disease. I pray today and will continue praying for you and your wife as you journey with your brother from the distance with his disease. Please know we care and praying for you all.

                   

                  Mariposai

                  "Champions are everywhereall you need is to train them properly..." ~Arthur Lydiard

                  SteveP


                    Thank you all. I'll not call him out.  It's not easy know someone is continuing on a downward spiral. Someone who cannot face reality, probably won't.

                     

                    Surly Bill, I feel for you and the situation.

                    SteveP

                    anneb


                      There is lots of good advice in here. I too would not call him out publicly, or give money directly to him. I would consider trying to reach out to him privately, but know that it will likely not have the outcome you want. That is more if there is something that you feel like you need to say (would be for you and not him, because he likely will not receive the message). I'm sorry you're going through this. As far as others are concerned with the GoFundMe page, hopefully they are asking themselves questions but obviously you cannot change anyone else's actions; you can only do what you can do.

                      Anne

                      Tramps


                        I have no experience with this sort of thing, so have no personal advice for you. Tribee, though, was a clinical social worker for a long time and I know one recurring challenge was family members who were well-meaning but who were ultimately enabling self-destructive behavior. Sending money in this situation seems to me to fall into that category.

                         

                        This sounds sad and so tough. I'm sorry you're having to try to handle it.

                        Be safe. Be kind.

                          I'm sorry to hear about your brother's mental health issues Steve. I think you've received a lot of good advice from your friends here. To call him out on FB could be risky and perhaps cause a lot of unintended consequences for you and your family.

                           

                          I had two nephews and a niece who suffered from mental illness. One of them was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic and went off his meds. He committed suicide at age 27. The other nephew and niece were never "officially" diagnosed, but they, too, committed suicide. It makes me so sad - knowing what a compassionate, caring person you are - that there's really nothing you can do to help your brother.

                           

                          I really have no advice. All I can offer is my prayers and unconditional support.

                          Joe618


                            Such a sad story, Steve, I'm so sorry. 

                             

                            Have seen similar issues in my extended family.   I think you have received some good perspectives here. 

                            ________

                            I have nothing particularly clever or profound to add as a tag to each message...I just like to run.   


                            Marathon Maniac #957

                               

                              I had two nephews and a niece who suffered from mental illness. One of them was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic and went off his meds. He committed suicide at age 27. The other nephew and niece were never "officially" diagnosed, but they, too, committed suicide.

                               

                              Jeanne - this is so crushing - to have so many suicides in one small family.  Did they have the same parents?  I cannot imagine how one would get over the loss of one child to suicide, but more than one?  My heart breaks at the thought.

                               

                              Steve - I will echo the thoughts of others here - I see no benefit to calling him out, nor would I send money.  Honestly, I think I would just stay out of the situation.  You tried to help in the past, and it did no good.  You have your own family to protect.

                              Life is a headlong rush into the unknown. We can hunker down and hope nothing hits us or we can stand tall, lean into the wind and say, "Bring it on, darlin', and don't be stingy with the jalapenos."

                                It is tragic when there are family members that are beyond reach. Jlynne and SteveP it must be emotionally difficult and frustrating to see those you care about self destruct. All I can offer is best wishes for you and your family's futures.

                                Live like you are dying not like you are afraid to die.

                                Drunken Irish Soda Bread and Irish Brown Bread this way -->  http://allrecipes.com/cook/4379041/

                                12