This deserves its' own thread. Originally posted by our beloved PBJ on CoolRunning circa 2006?

Spareribs and his Quest for the Sub 20 Minute 5 K - Episode 7 – The Nike Contract

When we last saw our intrepid hero (Episode 6 – Fallen Arches), Spareribs vowed that he would never again be deceived by faux finish balloon arches. From that day forward, Spareribs attacked his training regimen with a vengeance, and his speed and endurance improved tremendously.

It was time for Spareribs to capture that elusive goal. He entered the Parts Unknown 5 k in a little town in Texas, just outside of Amarillo. Spareribs felt confident as he drove under the beautiful moonlit Texas sky on his way to the race.

The weather was gorgeous – 50 degrees and sunny, with just a slight breeze from the Southwest. The course was perfect – flat and fast. As the runners toed the line for the 9 am Sunday start, Ribs was a little nervous, but his legs felt good. And there’s the gun. Ribs soon hit a very comfortable stride. He felt really smooth. At the first mile marker he checked his watch - a 6:30 split. “Not bad,” he thought, “but let me see if I can kick it up a bit.” Ribs was still hardly working when he passed the second mile marker at 12:45. “This is gonna be the one,” he thought. Ribs was flying now. Mile 3 – 18:45 – yes! He was going to break that barrier.

The crowd, though sparse, was going wild. There was even a small town news crew videotaping the event for rebroadcast. “Oh yeah,” he said, with a big grin on his face. Just then he streaked around the final corner. Ribs’s exuberance soon turned to angst. There were two balloon arches – one for the 5k, and another for the 10 k race that was being run simultaneously. Ribs had left his glasses in the car (in order to be more aerodynamic), and he could not tell which arch to enter.

Ribs screamed “which one is for the 5 k?” without breaking stride. A helpful but misinformed volunteer pointed to the 10 k finish line on the right. Though fuzzy, Ribs thought he saw a 10, not a 5. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Just do it!” the volunteer replied. And it was all caught on tape.

Ribs crossed the wrong finish line in a time of 19:48. The crowd was in a frenzy, believing they had witnessed a new 10 k world record. The video was transmitted to and shown by every major network and news organization ad nauseum. Ribs was the talk of the running world.

In a sprawling mansion somewhere outside Seattle, Washington, the replay was witnessed in hi def surround sound by the president of Nike. “That’s our slogan,” he said to one of his flunkies. But he was soon charmed by Spareribs’s aw shucks mannerisms and rugged good looks. “Sign this guy!” the president exclaimed. A multi-year deal was drawn up, and the contract signing was set to happen on the next day’s broadcast of the Today show.

Ribs was shocked by how quickly his life had spun out of control. He and his wife were flown by private charter into New York that night. Ribs tried to tell anyone that would listen that it was all just a big mistake, and that he had inadvertently crossed the wrong finish line. Of course, no one believed him. “At least I can tell the world the truth on the Today Show,” Ribs explained to Mrs. Ribs in their penthouse suite overlooking Central Park.

At 7:35 am on Monday morning, Matt Lauer commenced his interview in a polite fashion. “Congratulations Mr. Spareribs, I understand you are the new world record holder for a 10 k race.” But before Ribs could say one word, the interview turned ugly. Matt continued, “I also hear that you want to become the latest instant millionaire by signing a Nike contract on my show. Well listen, Mr. Ribs, it’s not going to happen.”

Matt pressed on, “Rumor has it that your record shattering performance was, shall we say, enhanced. Sports talk show hosts have even coined a new term for this designer drug - Spare-roids! Truly outLANDISh behavior. Get off my set, Mr. Ribs!” The president of Nike was furious. He tore the contract to shreds, muttering “Spare-roids, eh? How did Balco get their claws on this guy before me?”

Before he could even say a word, Spareribs was booted and banned from Rockefeller Center. Spareribs and Mrs. Ribs were forced to hitchhike home, since they didn’t have any money on them (they were expecting to take that nice private charter back). Spareribs was a beaten man.

Sadly, Episode 7 has come to its conclusion. But there is a silver lining here - stay tuned for the further adventures of Spareribs, as once again he tries to bag the elusive sub 20 minute 5 k.

Double Negative Disclaimer – this is not a work of non-fiction. None of the people, places or events are real, except of course for the Today Show and Matt Lauer. Oh yeah, Nike and Balco are real companies too. And “Just Do It” is Nike’s slogan (or maybe it’s a registered trademark, I’m not sure. What do I look like, a patent attorney?) Also, Spareribs and Mrs. Ribs are real people who exist in this Cool Running B&B forum. I hang out here as well. My name is PBJ (but that’s another story), and I have been described as lugubrious, which I will never forget (because I had to look up the meaning of the word in a dictionary).

http://www.kickrunners.com/forum/34-masters-club/41051-spareribs-his-quest-sub-20-minute-5-k-episode-7-nike-contract.html

Sure do miss Ribs. and PBJ too. Great story