I am still getting by in my lonely home. Not having Donna around is very difficult. This was not part of our plan for a long time. We thought, we would pass on about the same time, maybe even together.
So many have told me it gets better with time, but you are never totally over it. I can believe the latter, but I am still having a lot of trouble function after my job. I do not have as many sleepless nights, but they do come now and then. The tears are just as many, but not as often.
It is too much for me to give the kids, our 7 cats, all the attention that they need. Donna was so good at it. All the lifting at work really wears on me.
The last couple of months have gotten better, but things are going so much slower than I thought they would for me. I know others take months and years, but I felt that would not happen to me. I thought, that I would feel Donna's presents around me, but instead I see her in my mind each night dying. That look of courage in her face as she was dying. She did not scream, yell, sob, or anything like that. She was taking it with courage, but I could see the fear in her eyes. I see this picture in my mind each and every day and night. I felt so helpless. There was nothing for me to do. Then after the life support was discontinued, seeing her heart lessen for 8 hours and 27 minutes broke my heart over and over again.
She did not die alone as she use to fear, but I see it each day. I am a positive thinker, but I have trouble picturing myself being in love with another woman. Being alone for many more years is a fear of mine too.
Time heals all wounds. I sure hope so.
TomD
Tom, my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you. I can't imagine what you are going through and don't really have many words of wisdom. It'll take time to figure out your life without her. You have your running and I hpoe you have/find other interests as well. The feelings and emotions that you are going through are hard to explain to people that haven't (fortunately) gone through the experience of losing someone so close. It's not the same but I lost my mother to cancer when I was 23 and had just driven away a couple days earlier to my first military duty station. The first year is the worst due to all the firsts, first Thanksgiving, Chistmas etc without her. The second year was a little better ... and so on. I don't have a father so the feeling of being alone I get. It does get better.
I hope you are able to see there is still so much life worth experiencing and able to find your way.
rs
Marathon Maniac #957
Life is a headlong rush into the unknown. We can hunker down and hope nothing hits us or we can stand tall, lean into the wind and say, "Bring it on, darlin', and don't be stingy with the jalapenos."
Tom,
Yours was a special love, and so the memory of your beloved Donna will live on for a long long time.
You too show courage and strength in how you are dealing with the loss, and we really respect that.
We are pulling and praying for you. Knowing what you are going through makes us better people.
Thanks for sharing.
denise
Tom, I continue to think of you and this difficult time you are going through.
Have you joined a support group? I would really encourage you to do so - a group of other widowers talking about and sharing the grief they feel might be very healing for you. Of course, I encourage you to share what you would like here as well, but I think the benefit of having real life people that you can also connect with would be good.
Tammy
Sue Running is a mental sport...and we're all insane! Anonymous
Maniac 505
Arf and I are looking forward to seeing you this weekend.
Dave
SteveP