Pickens County Y Race Team

1

This will make you laugh (Read 9 times)

ehunter


    Quote:

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    _______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    _________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget..

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________ 
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________ 
    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?  ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death..

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ___________________________________________ 
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral...

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
    ______________________________________

    And last: 
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?  WITNESS: No..

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

      oops there is one more that you accidentally left off:

       

      Attorney:  So you want to sue Set Up Events?

      Eric Hunter:  Yes Siree Bob, those city slickers owe me a dad-gum trophy or somethin.

      Attorney:  And why is that?

      Eric Hunter:  I done told you!  I won a triathlon and they done forgot to give me a prize.

      Attorney:  Well, if you look here at this video, it clearly shows that you ran from the pool straight to the finish line.  You forgot to do the bike and the run portion of the race.  And 2 people who did the whole race still beat you. Plus, the race was called You Go Girl.  It was supposed to be just for females.

      Eric Hunter:  Well slap me and call me Susan!!  Those gals must have been doing some performance enhancin mushrooms or somethin. So can I sue them?

      tweisner


        Actual conversation with my daughter today:

         

        Me:  Annie, I got a recipe for peach pudding.  You'll love it.  It's just like banana pudding but with peaches.

         

        Annie:  Cool, are you gonna put peaches in it?

         - itri -