Ah, Vegas. The glitz, the glamour, the pure sleaze…truly a home away from home for any Beautiful Person. My entourage consisted of my pregnant sister, our pregnant friend, and their two husbands. Our tricked out ride was a rented beige Town and Country minivan. Our only set weekend plan? High tea at the Ritz Carlton in Henderson. Yup, it was shaping up to be one very lame weekend. Things started looking up on arrival. I tipped the front desk guy to get us room upgrades. I got myself the first of many, many alcoholic beverages. And as any cougar worth the olives in her double martini would do, I amused myself endlessly by flirting with anything younger than me with a y chromosome. Couple of tips for anyone going out to Vegas this summer: 1) Tourist traffic is light this year. You can get free show tickets by talking up the box office staff a couple minutes before show time. They’ve got plenty of extras. 2) Avoid the Planet Hollywood Hotel (formerly the Aladdin) like the plague. They have not worked the kinks out yet. The new décor is a Kelly Wearstler-inspired nightmare, and the hotel soundtrack must be the result of a private joke among the hotel staff. Really, was my stay at their hotel enhanced in any possible way by What is Love and Madonna’s greatest hits? 3) Eat breakfast at least one day at the tiny but fabulous 16-table Payard’s at Caesar’s Palace. Order a basket of pastries for your table. Slip into a happy, carb-induced coma. 4) Hotels still comp breakfast buffets like crazy. You just have to give them an excuse. Complaints about minor (but legitimate) housekeeping issues work well for this.

I know it's family and whatnot, but DUDE. That is not how you roll in Vegas. If this was the swamp Casa would be photoshopping an appropriate pic right now. DAMN.

One of my friends keeps threatening to elope this summer in Vegas. I need a re-do.

I'm somehow not surprised that Planet Hollywood sucked. I also thought Hard Rock was pretty lame. My DW and I stayed at New York New York the last time we were there. Decent.

I got myself the first of many, many alcoholic beverages. And as any cougar worth the olives in her double martini would do, I amused myself endlessly by flirting with anything younger than me with a y chromosome.

Dude, you're 31. That's not cougar territory. BTW, good choice of drink. Did you follow the Half Your Age Plus Seven Rule in your flirting?

We stayed at the Flamingo and enjoyed it thoroughly. Penguins and flamingos in the garden behind the hotel, and a fabulous pool. We gambled a total of 75 cents, so they didn't make much off of us! The only thing I didn't like was the SMOKE, everywhere we went. I didn't know that that many people still smoked! All public places in Maine are smoke-free now, so I wasn't used to it. I finally had to take out my contacts because they were killing me.

I'm really fond of the Flamingo. The smoke is always a shock out there for me too. My lungs are still detoxing.

Dragon, did you play the tables at all?

No. Never learned how to play poker, even though my ex-fiancee played all the friggin' time. Blackjack is only fun if you're with a bunch of your friends (IMO). Craps confuses me. My brother-in-law won close to $1000 though at a poker tournament on Saturday.

The Texas Hold 'em game where you play against the dealer's hand is awesome. Great odds. That's pretty much all I played in Vegas last summer.

Dragon, I think we both deserve a do-over. I'll join you next time and we'll stay at Ceasar's or the Bellagio or the Wynn.

That sounds more like it!