Run: Race Previous Next

4/30/2021

8:00 PM

10 km

39:03

6:18 mi

No additional information was recorded for this entry.

  • Map

<No name>

Notes

I have so much to say yet I don’t even know how to say it. I can’t believe what has happened yet I’m not surprised at all. I have so many emotions yet I feel like I can’t even feel any of them.

This is probably going to be a long log. I don’t really care. It’s mostly for me to get it out of my head because I don’t really talk about it out loud with anyone. If you don’t want to read it, then don’t.

Truthfully, I knew my ankle would be pretty dang fucked up after this race. It’s already been fucked up. I knew it was fucked since March 25th when I went to the trainers. It didn’t matter what anyone said or what any X Ray said. I’ve been in this body for years; I know when something is fucked. I know when it’s too far gone. I know when it won’t be okay for awhile.

That was why I was so upset THAT day. I didn’t have a professional tell me a real answer yet-but I’M the professional of my body. So I knew.

Anyway, the week before this past week, I was devastated that I couldn’t run. I literally almost skipped my covid shot just so I could race at Simpson. My parents and I don’t usually argue, but we did. They were pissed. I didn’t care. I was willing to risk my health just to race a 5k.

But I didn’t. A logical side of me kicked in and I knew I should get the shot. So I did and I didn’t race.

But after seeing those times, I sort of regretted it and wished I could’ve ran there. I hate regretting things.

When I was home, I did a lot of thinking. I told myself that I needed to make a decision. I either needed to sort of “suffer through” the rest of the season and run what I can, or decide to put racing this season to rest and just cross train to fully let it heal.

On Monday, I still didn’t know what to do. Then Chapman told me I was doing the 10k. I wasn’t so sure that was the best idea. I was even kind of questioning the 5k. But I figured that him coming up to me and telling me that was my sign to do it. He believed in me so much and I wanted to believe that I could do it too.

My ankle felt sort of rough all week, but bearable. Chapman said he wasn’t worried about it, and part of me wasn’t too worried either; after all, I was making it through the workouts okay. But another part of me knew how it was risky to race when I know this kind of pain is not a good pain to run through. So many amazing runners have ended their careers after one horribly gone wrong race. I didn’t want to be another one of those.

I put my fears aside though and told myself that I was just being weak. The whole past month I’ve really been trying to tell myself that I am strong and not weak. I wanted to prove it.

I went into the race confident and ready to go. I was so excited to race again! I even waved to my parents and gave them a thumbs up before the race started.

I knew going into the race that my ankle would not be okay after. That scared me a little, but mostly motivated me to do well and try my best. If im going to be running through pain, I might as well get something out of it.

What I wasn’t expecting was it to hurt that bad DURING the race.

My ankle always feels uncomfortable, but by lap 3 it was already pretty uncomfortable. I ignored it and kept the pace; I knew I could get through it, I always did during the workouts. By lap 10-11 though, it was destroying me. I still stayed in the race mentally and told myself I could still run a bombass time even if I fell off the pace. Aerobically, I felt fine too. The pace was a little speedy but nothing that was out of reach. But I dont think Ive ever been in that much physical pain before. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere the whole race, like I was on a treadmill. It felt like I couldn’t push off of my leg, like it was just a dead weight that I had to carry. I thought the race would never end. I even considered dropping out, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I would never forgive myself if I did that. Like I said, I hate regretting things; I knew I would’ve regretted that.

When I saw my time, I was honestly sort of shocked. I knew I had fallen off a lot, but I didn’t realize I had been that far off.

I feel like the reason I ran this race was to prove something. I wanted to prove that I was tough. I wanted to prove that I can push through pain. I wanted to prove that I am still a good runner even if I haven’t been running. I wanted to prove that I am a woman who takes risks. I wanted to prove that I was fearless. I wanted to prove that I wanted to be out there running. I wanted to prove to everybody that I wasn’t weak.

I still don’t know if I regret racing this. I didn’t really get a good time out of it or a good feeling out of it. I am wayyyyy more injured than I was before and am at square -8. But part of me was scared that if I backed out, I would regret not doing it. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I regretted not racing at Simpson. Even though deep down I knew this would happen, part of me was willing to take that risk. I had all of this confidence for once, I didn’t want to regret letting it go to waste by missing another opportunity. I’d rather regret saying yes than regret saying no. Deep down I knew I shouldn’t have ran. I should’ve just told Chapman “No. I’m not ready.” But I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want to let everyone else down. I didn’t want to let myself down.

However, I really hate starting over. And that’s what I’m going to have to do. I have to let some things go before I do that though.

I just feel like I do everything I’m supposed to. I know Chapman says “Running isn’t a sacrifice sport”, and to that I say why isn’t it? If I am doing correctives and taking supplements and doing all the little things, why do I keep getting injured? How come the person that does everything gets injured and the people that don’t do that stuff are just fine?

People always tell me that I’m only a freshman and still have time to accomplish awesome things. I understand that, but injuries can come at any time. I had that same thought in high school and I got injured almost every season after freshman year anyway. Thats why you can’t wait for an awesome thing to happen-you have to do it while you still can.

Chapman told me a few weeks ago that the one quality that I have that not all runners do is my ability to “go to the well” every time I race, and I think that’s because of all the injuries I’ve been through. Every race I get to run is a really big deal.

Usually, I lack confidence in myself during races and that’s what’s in my way. This time it was my ankle. And this was the one time I had a surge of confidence (for some reason). I just wish my confidence would line up with my healthiness for once. I know something really cool could happen.

First world problems, I know I know. I’m lucky I’m not a starving child or have a terminal illness.

Times like these make me question if I am really cut out for this. Running is basically my toxic, abusive boyfriend. It has taken over way too much of my life and my identity. I was so desperate for a race that I was willing to risk my health and body. I don’t think that’s normal. Why on earth would I want to stay in THAT kind of relationship?!

But like I’ve said before, I’ll continue to love it anyway, no matter how many times it breaks my heart.

All my running career, I’ve been waiting and waiting for the day I won’t have to worry about getting injured anymore. And now I’ve finally realized that that day will never come. Unfortunately, injuries are just a part of a runners life. Some runners deal with them more than others, and I just happen to be one of those runners. Honestly, it’s been a really difficult thing for me to accept, but I think once I accept it, I’ll be able to deal with injuries a lot better.

This took me awhile to log. I can’t look at the results without feeling appalled. I can’t look at runningahead without feeling defeated. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like a disappointment and a letdown to everyone.

My ankle will not be okay for awhile. I will not be okay for awhile.

I think what I need to do is break up with running and try it again once I’m healed (both physically and emotionally). Running doesn’t control ME, I control running. I need to learn to have it as a priority but not as my lifeline.

Anyway, if you’ve read this far, thanks for all your support. A lot of the team was out there cheering during that 10k, and I definitely could not have made it through without that. I struggled a lot with injuries in highschool, and the reason it was even harder back then was because I didn’t have an awesome team like this to fall back on when I needed help. Y’all mean so much to me and I’m super lucky to have teammates like y’all.

Right now, my life is going to suck. One day, it won’t. Right now, I am devastated. One day, I won’t be. Right now, I cannot run. One day, I will.

Comments

Erin Phelan

I know that there are no words that can help to ease the physical and emotional pain that you are feeling. Just know that I see you and I understand you. This is one of the toughest things you have had to face and the recovery process will not be easy. It is one of the worst feelings to have something that you rely on so much be taken from you because of a decision that you made, trust me I get that. Most people would use the time that they had to take off to beat themselves up mentally and ask

Erin Phelan

"why did I do this to myself?". Although you're going through a period of grief and frustration, there is no doubt in my mind that when you get back to training, no matter how long it takes or the struggles that you may face along the way, you will use that frustration to fuel your desire. But for now, take this time that you have to heal your body and your mind. You are so much more than Shaelyn Hostager the runner. You are Shaelyn Hostager the friend. Shaelyn Hostager the teammate.

Erin Phelan

Shaelyn Hostager the dance partner. Shaelyn Hostager the dinner date. I am so incredibly thankful for all of those Shaelyn Hostagers!! UGHHH I wish I could just take away all of your pain and keep you in a tiny bubble of pain-free bliss forever so you wouldn't have to experience this because it's the literal worst, but you will overcome it and I am here to help you with anything that you need. I love you so much chick, please continue to love on yourself <3