Notes
Not my best race. Probably worst I’ve ever felt during a race. I’ve kind of been sick since Wednesday but thought I’d be fine by today. Unfortunately, I threw up 3 times today so I didn’t feel very energized or race ready. I don’t know what’s going on, but it definitely was not just nerves because I wasn’t any more nervous than I normally am and i don’t usually get the nervous pukes anyway. Twice I puked so hard, it came out my nose, and I can tell you that I’ll never drink another Chapman smoothie again after that experience. Despite all this, I went into it excited to race and with a positive attitude because it’s conference, and I truly thought maybe I wouldn’t feel too shitty during the race. I got fourth and scored some points, however, it wasn’t good enough to do what I needed to do to reach my own personal goal and get a better time for nationals.
Right now, I am still very upset about it. I was so ready to PR and secure my spot for Natties. Any other day you put me on that line, I know I could’ve done it. Would’ve done it. Besides today, I’ve PR’d in the 5k Every. Single. Time. I’ve. Raced. It. This was my second fastest time and it was me either on the stomach flu/the influenza/ me with a piece of meat somehow lodged in my stomach/ or according to WebMD, a brain tumor. This was my last chance and it was ruined by something so dumb. I take such good care of myself- I take all of my supplements, drink loads of water, get adequate sleep, and do so much recovery stuff, and I was so prepared to do something amazing. I still feel like it was my fault and I should’ve done better. I just wish my body was normal and I could have another chance. I maybe wouldn’t even need this chance if it weren’t for my already messed up broken body that only allows me to race every other week.
Anyway, I can blame it on puking my guts out or lack of opportunities, but in the end, I only have myself to blame. I should’ve been tougher today and ran faster. I should’ve gone with that move at whitewater to run a better time. All I needed was like 5 more seconds. I had finally had my breakout race and had this newfound confidence and now it just feels like I’m a one hit wonder and that’s the closest I’ll ever get to something big. And I know it’s not, but that’s how it FEELS. I know indoor nationals wasn’t originally my goal, but to have it in my fingertips and then it being ripped away by like 7 seconds is just a bigger blow than I thought it would be.
Anyway, enough negative crap. I ran the race, scored some points for the team, and still ran one of my better times for the 5k. I saved my tears for the pillow and swallowed my disappointment. Maybe I needed to get knocked down a peg or two to realize that not every race is going to be amazing, no matter how bad you want it to be. It’s the circumstances like these that just make me more tenacious and hungry on the future race days. I’ll get my body recovered, get back on the bike, grind my training in all of its aspects, and be ready to kick some ass outdoors. I might have even less opportunities to race since the 10k will take a lot out of me each time, so this is a good reminder to take full advantage of every opportunity that I get. I’ll likely only get 1 or 2 shots to qualify for outdoor, so I have to make them count, no matter how I feel or what’s going on. I think once I start remembering what I have accomplished instead of what I haven’t, I’ll feel better about the whole situation. Right now, time to use my anger to train and avenge myself and my dignity.