Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 6651 times)

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night. You gotta love Henry

Old Henry was turning 90 in a few days, and a couple of his remaining (still living) friends got together to think about what they could get Henry on such a momentous occasion. They decided they would pitch in and buy Henry the highest-priced, best-looking hooker they could find. On the evening of Henry's birthday, there was a knock on his door. Upon opening, he saw before him a young (well, young to Henry anyway), extremely good-looking woman. "What do you want," asked Henry. "I'm here to give you super sex" said the hooker. Henry thought for moment, and said "I'll take the soup".

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-GUN.. that hurt like the devil!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Oh, my! Laughed until I cried and now my sides hurt! Think I might need one of those too.

Brian had a roommate named Stefanie. One day Brian invited his mother over for dinner, and during the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Stephanie was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this made her even more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Brian's mother started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received a return email from his mother that read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

Breaking the News is Worth a Beer Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms. "Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?" "Steve''s wife gave it to me!" "What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"

Tornado and Redneck Divorce What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.