Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7245 times)

    A string is having a really bad day and walks into a bar to have a drink. Above the bar reads a sign "No Strings Allowed." "Bartender, gimme a beer," says the string. "We don't serve strings here. You'll have to go somewhere else," answers the bartender. Dejected, the string walks out, scuffing its feet, but he soon finds his way to the next bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer," says the string. "Go on, get out of here. Can't you read?" came the hostile reply, "No strings allowed!" The string gets mad at this and tries to take a swing at the bartender, but the bouncers grab him, rough him up, and toss him out the back door. Landing in a heap, the strings' gotten a little tangled but at this point he doesn't care. He kicks the walls, yells to the sky, and punches things all the way to the next bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he demands. This bartender's older and doesn't see very well, so he asks "Are you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot." the string replies, and is served his beer.

    Roads were made for journeys...


    Needs more cowbell!

      Bwahhhh...I love puns! Big grin k

      I shoot pretty things! ~

      '14 Goals:

      • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

      • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

      Mile Collector


      Abs of Flabs

        A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
        Mile Collector


        Abs of Flabs

          There once lived a sexy snail in a forest who was very unhappy about her slow method of locomotion. All the animals in forest teased her, she was forever left behind others, and was always late. One day she got lucky: she won the jackpot in the lottery!!! Well, the first thing she he did was to order herself a custom red Ferrari, with a special paint job: she insisted that her initial, S for Snail, be painted on the sides and hood. She was the happiest animal in the world as she climbed in the custom leather seats of her new car, and sped away to show off her new speedy way of life. And all the animals in the forest (including the slug) said, amazed as they saw the sexy snail in the red Ferrari zoom past them, "Look at that "S" car go!"
            A man decided to take up jogging and was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little pocket here on the side for?". And the clerk: "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've gone too far".


            Needs more cowbell!

              A man decided to take up jogging and was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little pocket here on the side for?". And the clerk: "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've gone too far".
              This joke must pre-date the cell phone! Wink k

              I shoot pretty things! ~

              '14 Goals:

              • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

              • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

                The Top 10 Ways to tell an energy bar from a dog turd... 10. Energy bars cost about $2. Dog turds are free. 9. Energy bars have shiny wrappers. Dog turds don't. 8. A fly will eat a dog turd. I've never seen a fly eat an energy bar. 7. Dog turds get slippery when wet. 6. Energy bars come in many delicious flavours. Dog turds only come in 1. 5. Energy bars hold their shape in a jersey pocket much better than dog turds. 4. Dog turds won't damage a lawn mower blade. The jury is still out on energy bars. 3. You won't find an energy bar sitting on the ground in the park. 2. Dog turds are made of naturally occurring substances. 1. Dog turds are biodegradable.
                  A little help for those dating, or considering dating, a marathoner or ultrarunner. "I am an outdoors type of person." Really means: I run in any type of weather. If it's raining, snowing, 90 degrees w/100 percent humidity, or winds gusting at 30 mph. I don't want to hear any complaints because I will be outside and you're just a big wuss for complaining about it. "I enjoy jogging." Really means: Let's run hills until we puke. I have just as many shoes as all the other women I know, only mine are better because they are functional and all look the same. "I enjoy dining out." Really means: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food. Don't be shy because with the amount of food I eat, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison. Most importantly don't expect any taste off my plate unless you can bring something to the party like more food. Eventually though if your not burning 4,000 calories a day your going to plump up and have a terrible complex due to watching me eat deserts and not gain any weight. Friends and family will eventually decide not to dine with us anymore due to my horrid table manners. Oh, and don't ask me any questions during breakfast, Mid Morning Lunch, Lunch, Afternoon lunch, dinner or Recovery Dinner as it does not lend to efficient food intake. And did I mention I eat things that only astronauts should eat, like "Gu?" "I enjoy quiet walks on the beach." Really means: Walks on the beach warming up into an 8 mile run and then plunging myself in the ocean for 2 miles of cross-training. "I find fulfillment in charitable work." Really means: If I am not racing, I am up at 5 AM volunteering and I expect you to be there along side me as I stand out in 90 degree weather for 5 hours handing out sports drinks and gu. "I enjoy sharing quiet moments together." Really means: It's taper time. Just back off because I am strategizing and in a pissy mood because I am worried about my "A" race and can't workout. "I am an active person." Really means: Aside from my 40 hour job, and the 8 mandatory hours of sleep a night. 20 hours a week are devoted to me leaving us 4 hours. If you are a licensed message therapist or doctor this would make the most optimal use of our time together. Nutritionist is also acceptable, but I probably already know just as much as you. "I enjoy road trips and leisurely drives." Really means: You have your choice of New York, Chicago, London, or Nashville, but don't expect to do much site seeing. If I get enough support from you we might be able to include Boston in there. "I enjoy site seeing." Really means: Lets grab a bike and get our HR's up to 90% for some cross-training. There's plenty of time to look around on the descent as unidentifiable monuments whiz by you at 40 mph. "I like stimulating conversation." Really means: while we are running, we can talk about food. Then we can talk about how we decided what to wear on this run based on the temperature at start time versus the temperature at the time we expect to finish, how horribly out of shape we are, how many miles we did last week, and how many we will do this week and next week. Then we can talk about food. "I enjoy relaxing soaks in the tub." Really Means: I'm going to stop on the way home and buy two bags of ice, throw them in the tub with some water, and sit in this torture chamber for 30 minutes. "I'm into in technology" Really Means: My HRM and garmin are my best friends. Until you can give me some hard data that can improve my training, don't bother trying to buddy up to me. You could one day break into the top three if I find you as entertaining on long runs and rides as my mp3 player.
                    This joke must pre-date the cell phone! Wink k
                    But your cell is too big to carry on a run. Wink


                    Needs more cowbell!

                      But your cell is too big to carry on a run. Wink
                      Ha, a bag phone...remember those?! And people would talk REALLY loudly while using one, so as to conspicuously show how cutting edge they were! Big grin k

                      I shoot pretty things! ~

                      '14 Goals:

                      • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                      • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


                      Needs more cowbell!

                        Not for the easily offended...not safe for work/kids... I gotta start watching SNL, again... k

                        I shoot pretty things! ~

                        '14 Goals:

                        • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                        • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

                          Not for the easily offended...not safe for work/kids... I gotta start watching SNL, again... k
                          "Laugh out loud" is usually a dumb phrase - but if fits here, 'cause I sure did. Thanks for getting the phrase "@%#W$% in a box" stuck in my head; also, thanks for making my Christmas list a little shorter. Wait, I should rephrase that ...
                          E-mail: JakeKnight2002@aol.com
                          -----------------------------


                          Needs more cowbell!

                            Speaking of "DIAB," ugh...and can you guess what my DH did this AM? He used the biggest box he could find, too...what is it with you guys overestimating your equipment, anyhow? Oh, and speaking of tools....we ended up at an urgent care facility tonite after he nailed his wrist with a chisel. 3 stitches and a tetanus shot later he's just fine. Boys are silly. Tongue k

                            I shoot pretty things! ~

                            '14 Goals:

                            • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                            • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


                            Needs more cowbell!

                              THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...! Smile YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? GOTCHA

                              I shoot pretty things! ~

                              '14 Goals:

                              • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                              • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


                              Needs more cowbell!

                                Thanks for getting the phrase "@%#W$% in a box" stuck in my head
                                Heh, I just found out that the blonde buy is actually Justin Timberlake...damn, that makes it even funnier! Tongue k

                                I shoot pretty things! ~

                                '14 Goals:

                                • 6 duathlons (1 Olympic distance)

                                • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)