Hey! Merry Christmas! And a Have a Wonderful Year!

'Twas a month before Christmas—I was watching the game
We were losing that day but the refs were to blame.
Debbie was working—I was home all alone
And she couldn't bug me 'cause I turned off my phone.

Even though we were losing, I had plenty to cheer
With a tray full of snacks and with plenty of beer.
And with Debbie not home, I was calm and at ease
It was nice with her gone...but don't tell her, please.

When out in the drive, came a noise that I knew
But it just couldn't be—it just couldn't be true!
But the garage door was opening—yes, Debbie was back
And I started to suffer a panic attack.

I sprung into action and although it was tough
I chugged down my beer and I ate all my stuff!
I didn't have time to wash off my tray
So I ran to the garbage and just threw it away!

When Debbie walked in, I said, "Hi, Debbie dear,
I missed you so much—I am so glad you're here."
She just looked at me funny then she said with a snap,
"You don't fool me Mike—you are so full of crap!"

"I smell beer on your breath—on your shirt there's a crumb!
Do you think that I'm stupid—do you think that I'm dumb?
You've dirtied my dishes—where, on earth, is my tray?
I know you well, Mike—you've watched football all day!"

"Well...not so fast, Dear," I started to lie
I had to think fast or surely I'd die.
"I've been working on...umm...our letter, that's right
And I think I should finish by sometime, tonight."

Was I out of my mind? What had I just done?
An idea for that letter? In my head there was none!
"Okay," Debbie grinned in her sinister way
"Read a few lines that you've written today."

I was in a tough spot that was for sure
But I grabbed a blank page and I "read" it to her.
"Umm...Jesus was born...a long time ago..."
Where this was going, I just didn't know.

But I continued to talk to keep myself out of danger
And I told of that night when He was born in a manger.
"God," I continued, "had come down to earth
To show each of us just how much we are worth."

"He taught us all how we should all try to live
How to treat one another—how it's good to forgive.
He preached about giving and loving each other,
How to be a good neighbor...a sister...a brother."

"But God knows we're human and need to be saved
From all that we've all done and how we've behaved.
So God, himself, came to take all sin away,
That's why Jesus was born on that first Christmas Day."

I tried to go on and continue my bluff
But she told me to stop—she had heard quite enough.
"I know that you're lying but that sounded quite good
But you're not telling some things that I think that you should."

"It's news of our family, our friends want to hear."
"Like what?" I was thinking—nothing's happened this year.
"Like—Alyssa, our granddaughter, is married to Eddie!"
And here I was thinking they were just going steady.

"And how 'bout my baby? Then she started her cryin'
'Cause that baby of hers...is twenty-five-year-old Ryan!
He has moved to Las Vegas—he's enjoying his life
He wants to wait for awhile to have kids and a wife.

The rest of our grandkids are all doing well
They have pretty good parents—of course, you could tell.
They're into their dancing and schoolwork and sport
And they're doing quite well, I am glad to report.

I think our whole family is doing alright
But I'd make something up if it prevented a fight.
But Debbie said no and that it was okay,
As she reached in the garbage and pulled out her tray.

Well the look on my face told her I was to blame
But she smiled and said, "Mike, go watch your game.
You've done quite enough, having written our letter
Although, there are parts that I think could be better."

Well, I almost said something, but I kept my mouth shut
And went back to the sofa where I planted my butt.
And as I turn on my game I hope we've made it real clear…
Merry Christmas our friends...and have a wonderful year!
                                                                                   Mike and Debbie

Best one yet!  You are amazingly talented!

  Love it!

Thank you Mike for sharing your wonderful family with us - you are gifted. Have a blessed Christmas.

Andrew

This is so awesome! I look forward to your letters each year, as I'm sure your entire family does as well. I bet it's always a highlight!

  Great job as usual Mike, .......but now this year you need to run off all that beer and snacks!

Merry Christmas Mike and all.

Your brain, and heart, are as awesome as your running,

I'm listening to Chrismas music all day as there's none over there

but yours is the best one yet. Thanks for a new one I'll never forget.

here's a fun one for you by Yogi Jorgenson

from the '50's that used to be my favorite

^{On da night before Christmas.
It’s still in the house,
My family is sleeping,
I’m quiet like a mouse.
I look at my vatch, and midnite is near,
I tink I’ll sneak out, for a cold glass of beer.
Down at the corner, the crowd is so merry,
I end up by drinking about twelve Tom & Yerry,
I get to bed late, and yee wvizz how I’m sleeping,
Ven on to my bed, dose darn kids, dey come leaping.
Dey sit on my face, and deay yump on my belly,
And I’m quivering all over, like a bowl full of yelly,
Day scream Merry Christmas, and my poor vife and me,
Ve stoomble down stairs, and she lights oop da tree.
My head is exploding, my mouth tastes like a pickle,
I step on a skate, and fall on a tricycle.
Yust befor Christmas dinner, I relax to a point,
Den relatives start svarming, all over da yoint.
On Christmas, I hug and I kiss my vife’s mother,
Da rest of da year, ve don’t speak to each other.
After dinner, my aunt, and my vifes uncle Louie,
Get into a big fight; dey’re both awful screwy.
Den all of my vife’s family, say Louie is right,
And my goofy relations, dey yoin in da fight.
Back in da corner, da radio is playing,
And over da racket, Gabriel Heater is saying,
Peace on earth everybody, and good vill toward men
and yust at dat moment, someone slugs uncle Ben.
Dey all run outside a’vhooping for da neighbors will hear,
Ohhhh, I’m so glad Merry Christmas,
Comes yust once a year.}