Official RA Joke Thread! (Read 7196 times)


A Dance with Monkeys

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies:"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!" Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... Just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.


    Needs more cowbell!

      And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.
      OMG...that is the BEST punchline EVER!!! Big grin

      Kirsten - aka "Auntie Kirsten"

      '14 Goals:

      • 2 olympic distance duathlons -- 6 days apart -- PR at least 1

      • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)


      I've got a fever...

        *snort* Big grin Funny, and a grammar lesson. Nicely done!

        On your deathbed, you won't wish that you'd spent more time at the office.  But you will wish that you'd spent more time running.  Because if you had, you wouldn't be on your deathbed.


        Swadvad

          A lady walks into a sporting goods store to buy her husband a birthday present. The only person in the store is a blind man behind the counter. She picks out a fishing rod and takes it to the counter. The blind man feels the rod, bends it, wags it back and forth, then says, “That will be $29.95.” The lady replies, “That’s amazing. How did you know what the price was? There is no Braille price sticker on the rod.” The man says, “When I get my inventory in, my wife helps me put it out. I use my other senses and memorize the prices.” Still amazed, the woman says, “I’ll take it,” and reaches into her purse to get her checkbook. She accidentally drops the checkbook on the floor and bends over to pick it up. As she bends over, she passes gas rather loudly. She stands up embarrassed and the man says, “That will be $39.95.” The woman exclaims, “What! You just said $29.95.” The man replies, “But that was before you added the duck call and the catfish bait.”
            The man replies, “But that was before you added the duck call and the catfish bait.”
            Nasty!!!

            Michelle


            Needs more cowbell!

              A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't mad e you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too." Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

              Kirsten - aka "Auntie Kirsten"

              '14 Goals:

              • 2 olympic distance duathlons -- 6 days apart -- PR at least 1

              • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

              PWL


              Has been

                All the jokes I know are offensive and in really poor taste...

                "I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong."--Bertrand Russell


                Needs more cowbell!

                  All the jokes I know are offensive and in really poor taste...
                  Maybe we could start a group just for that...or I'll bet they'd go over well in the Drinkers with a Running Problem social group.... Wink k

                  Kirsten - aka "Auntie Kirsten"

                  '14 Goals:

                  • 2 olympic distance duathlons -- 6 days apart -- PR at least 1

                  • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

                  PWL


                  Has been

                    Maybe we could start a group just for that...or I'll bet they'd go over well in the Drinkers with a Running Problem social group.... Wink k
                    That's probably true.......

                    "I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong."--Bertrand Russell


                    Needs more cowbell!

                      A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead . Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

                      Kirsten - aka "Auntie Kirsten"

                      '14 Goals:

                      • 2 olympic distance duathlons -- 6 days apart -- PR at least 1

                      • 130#s (and stay there, gotdammit!)

                        Fresh from the shower, a wife stood in front of the mirror complaining that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds!" Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" "They will grow larger over a period of years", the husband replies. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says. "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's reportedly still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

                        E.J.
                        Greater Lowell Road Runners
                        Cry havoc and let slip the dawgs of war!

                        May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your SPF30, may the rains fall soft upon your sweat-wicking hat, and until you hit the finish line may The Flying Spaghetti Monster hold you in the hollow of His Noodly Appendage.

                          Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. The teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pencil. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

                          E.J.
                          Greater Lowell Road Runners
                          Cry havoc and let slip the dawgs of war!

                          May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your SPF30, may the rains fall soft upon your sweat-wicking hat, and until you hit the finish line may The Flying Spaghetti Monster hold you in the hollow of His Noodly Appendage.


                          Gandalf the Grey

                            For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce." Smile

                            Running ... just keep running!
                            Fancy a holiday running in the French Alps?

                            Mr E


                            "Velocitus Delectiblus"

                              Good Can of Corn There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!" "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!" "That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
                                Travel You Know You're A Runner... when the drive to the race is longer than the race itself. when you keep your family updated on how far you are from your destination by saying, "There's only 10k until Grandma's house"--and everyone knows how far that is. when you run to your gate at the airport even though you aren't late or wearing running shoes. when your idea of sightseeing involves visiting the local running store and finding the best place for hill repeats and long runs. when you get off an 18-hour flight and go for your long run because a) you need to stretch your legs, b) you want to see the city/country, and c) you have a already scheduled run. when you realize that all the traveling you did in the last year revolved around races. when, on trips, you find it entertaining to see how fast you can convert speeds and distances from miles to kilometers and vice versa. you avoid traveling to places where you won't be able to run. when you get back from vacation and the first thing you tell people about is how the running was. when you fly with your running clothes and shoes in your carry-on bag.

                                Michelle