Notes
I have no words to define this type of run. Every single step of the way experiencing pain, tightness, pressure mixed with physical tiredness and struggle / emotional and physical. Running with someone else's legs is not a good feeling. Even when I want to go over a step, change pavements, adjust pace and run on uneven grounds I cannot trust my legs as if feels I have borrowed somebody else's legs. I am not saying or experiencing anything new of course and this is what hurts more. I know it all now and I can write over and over again making myself sick to the point that I will overcome the stage of frustration/helplessness and even anger and accept the cruel reality. Does it help still to write about it .... maybe putting things on paper makes one more determined and the mind becomes positively active.
Tonight I met a couple of people of my Club as I was finishing my run in town and they asked whether I would be doing the fast Thursday's workout. I said. . . . a blunt "NO" I cannot do speed right now. I saw their faces puzzled and I was cracking inside as I did not want to commit to this evil that is called "Compartment Syndrome". Fight and denial whatever it takes "I do hate to be in this situation again" before "My Marathon". Maybe now is the time for me to prove to myself that Running goes beyond and above Marathons and set goals . . . . it is the soul that makes the runner and not the clock. But again Running means fighting and achieving the impossible that is there to be achieved. So, then what makes someone to be a special runner than just a runner... I ask myself!!! I try to find reasons and answers to impossible Qs sometimes and I philosophize to survive and get through. I need to remind myself that it is the journey that matters and not the outcome. I try to understand this in terms of running and put it into perspective. My physical body tests me at the hardest. I look after and respect my body but I wonder where I go wrong. I know I am lucky as I do not get silly injuries and recurrent complaints but this is a Big One. I have been there and I should know better but it does not work like that. I guess I have to keep running and running and running. One day I may get the wings and lightness again and fly again. I am not sad ... I am upset. I am not down .... I feel strong.... But I want to get there and I will whatever it takes. That is all I know. I have no idea how I will do this but I know I will. It is always the feeling inside and the Drive that is bigger than me .... It is the desire of the soul. Quiting is not an option!!!!!!!!!!!!