There's what I thought was an urban legend, which turns out to actually have some truth to it, of eskimos abandoning the elderly to die in the cold in order to make room for the next generation. Usually done in dire times to free up resources for the rest of the community, it is a stark reminder that a time comes for everyone to realize that they are the fat eskimo whose mere existence hurts his friends' and family's success. It has recently come to my attention that I am the fat eskimo, and it is time to retire to my iceberg.

For those not in the know, a Mr. Jake Zimbric (jirafe) has had unprecedented coaching success at the robot tournament in Minnesota this weekend. Among many other accolades, his team became the highest seeded rookie team and earned the award for Rookie of the Year. It's only a matter of time before Coach Zimbric's team becomes a perennial power à la Duke Basketball or UCLA Women's Water Polo.

It is a captain/coach's responsibility to recognize strengths of individual members of his/her team, and I would be remiss if i tried to ignore the glaring strength of Jirafe Blanco. His ability to keep levity in the face of exhaustion, along with his stern reminders that past success does not necessitate future trophies, is unrivaled. So I have no problem announcing that this June will be my fourth and last time captaining a Ragnar team, because I know that I will be leaving the team in able hooves.

So, Mr Jirafe, this is all i have to offer you: You go take care of my little girl now. That's your job. Always thought of you as a son. Always. But, I'd be damn proud to have you marry Grace.

I humbly accept your captaincy -- but I would be remiss if I were not to inform you that we were #1 seeded after day one, and in the following 24 hours our world came crumbling apart. In the final match our robotic teammate missed a last second shot...losing us the game and the #1 seed in heartbreaking fashion. After which, the very same team which missed the shot (our mentor team) went on to conspire against us to form an alliance of St. Paul teams --  THEY CONVINCED ANOTHER TEAM TO PICK THEM INSTEAD OF US FOR THE FINAL ROUND -- leaving us without a team, ending our season as Arizona's coach so aptly put it, "like a car crash". I'm still fucking fuming.

I assume you are entering into retirement only so you can come out of retirement next year, forming a team of savvy veterans to beat my squad of young talent. I accept your challenge and cliche'd plot.

But until then, let's win one for the Gipper.