Notes
I just wanted to run by myself today. And I didn't do the strides at the end. My foot was really bothering me. So I'm being obstinate. So I'm alienating myself from the team. Whatever. I don't even have a uniform anyway.
I just feel empty inside. I've become so bored with my life, it's the same thing over and over, jumping through hoops like some stupid circus animal that gets locked alone in a cage after its act is over. I just can't stand it anymore. I just don't care. I hate school, I'm tired of having so much homework and just wanting to sleep, and it's all just horribly pointless at this point in time, and it's all a mere formality. And it's like my teachers don't understand the meaning of the word "break." Meaning that I need a break from actually doing stupid pointless assignments that they're not going to read anyway. I can't just keep jumping through hoops and not sleeping or eating or taking any time to relax. Food doesn't interest me anymore. I didn't eat at all today. I just couldn't find anything that sparked my interest enough for me to eat it. So I didn't. I had homework to do anyway. And it really didn't make a difference in my energy level anyway.
Yeah, I have a problem. And I know it. And it's taken me a long time to admit it. I thought maybe the fact that I was getting faster would make me and everyone else forget about it. And it's not like I'm losing any weight anyway. But I just really don't care anymore. I don't care about anything. I just want everything to end, so I can go to sleep.
I don't care whether or not I break six tomorrow or not anymore. I have so many other things to worry about, I have homework to do, I have funerals to play at, I have a job to try to be good at, I have to try to be brilliant every single second of every single day, because I'm Tina Tallon and that's what people expect Tina Tallon to do.
I lost something somewhere. I'm just too emotionally and physically exhausted to care about anything anymore.
But there is no rest for the weary. I just want an exemption from life for a few days so I can just sit and vegetate and let my mind unravel so I can resume normal bodily functions again, such as having feelings and an appetite.
"No one can find the rewind button, girl,
So cradle your head in your hands..."