Notes
Ran six laps with striders on the straights, jogging on the first turn, and buttkickers/high knees on the second turn. I felt really really tired. Which made me really really sad. Because I don't know if I can do this.
I'm really to the point of wanting to scream, a little bit. I'm just so nervous....
Why am I such a pessimist? Why can't I ever believe in myself for once, and not rely on what other people think I can do, but what I think myself able to do? I don't understand why I can't have any self-confidence at all.
I'm still just afraid that this whole thing has been one crazy dream, and that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it'll be November 29th and I'll go to practice and Coach will tell us the workout, that we're running Down's Park and have to keep running until the last person comes in, and Chris Saul is going to ask who the slowest girl is, and I'm going to raise my hand, and IT'S STILL GOING TO BE TRUE. Because that was true. It was true until November 29th at 3:00. And then something changed, and I don't know what it was, but it's why I am where I am, and I'm afraid that whatever that something was, I'm going to wake up one morning, and it's going to be gone, and I will be the slowest person on the team.
What is reality? What is it? I really want to know. Because this was not on MY "wildest dreams" list. And if it's really happening, then it must either be REALLY happening, or there's another more radical degree of dreaming that everyone forgot to list.
Man, and Coach Slichter's going to be there. No pressure? Yeah. None at all.
I still don't even have a uniform. And now I have to wear those horrible shorts, because it's a varsity event and there's more than one person in my heat, so I have to have the same uniform. So I'm going to look like a freaking whale running next to Laura now, because she is so perfect, and I am so not. And then I'm going to die after the first mile of trying to run with Laura and everyone's going to be like "Aww, look at the poor fat slow girl who thought she could run with that Chesapeake girl out in front."
I am so not running Regionals. It's not happening. I REFUSE to wear those shorts if they are not going to help out the team. Which means I should just not even run in Counties.
Okay, I need to stop complaining. But I really just need to vent, and there's nowhere I can go to just scream for a couple of minutes where people are not going to hear me and wonder who just got killed. I think I would be okay if I was allowed to just go scream a little bit.