Notes
I don't understand why this is happening to me. I am in complete agony right now. And it isn't even entirely physical. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow morning if I am going to perform at this capacity. I've been working so hard this summer, I've been running almost every day recently, and I am slower than people who have run a self-admitted THREE TIMES all summer. I don't even understand how this is even freaking possible.
If I'm going to work this hard for a freaking JV SPOT (because that is exactly where I ran today), the pain and the emotional suffering are not even worth it. I can deal with let downs, but I can not deal with THIS. I've lied to myself and everyone else. I'm no runner. I don't know what the hell I freaking am anymore. And I'm sick and tired of giving everything I have and getting freaking passed by people who shit around all summer and say "I woke up this morning and knew my life was over."
Yeah, well I would RATHER my freaking miserable life be over. I have let myself down and wasted everyone's time. I've wasted the last two years of my life. And it's worse because I drove to practice today on the edge of my seat with anticipation, telling myself this was the start of my senior year, and this was going to be the start of an awesome season. I can't keep lying to myself like that.
People say a positive attitude is everything. THEN WHY DOESN'T IT MAKE A FREAKING DIFFERENCE!!!???? A FREAKING POSITIVE ATTITUDE IS NOT GOING TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY, AND IT'S CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO RUN ME A FREAKING 19:15 5K!!!!! All the inspirational crap I wrote to get myself in the mood to get ready to accomplish something great, it was all lies. I was lying to myself. It no longer holds any meaning.
I don't know if I'm going tomorrow. I have no reason to. Not for this. Not to be lied to.
I feel better for getting that out, because it's no use to talk to my mom, because she simply does not understand. But then again, I don't even understand, so it's not her fault.
"All of my escapes have been exhausted,
I thought I had a way but then I lost it,
And my resistance was once much stronger,
And I know I can't go on like this much longer..."