Notes
Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez it's cold outside. And by cold, I mean BITTER cold. And to make it worse, it was windy. Which sucks for track work. But yeah. So I felt good on the 200, even though I absolutely do not sprint and was never meant to be a sprinter. Then I ran a pretty good 1200, so I was very happy with it. I had Megan right on my heels the entire time, and I knew she was just hanging out and could have passed me and killed me if she wanted, but I'm sure her ankle was bothering her, so she didn't want to push it. But then the second one I had no one to run with at all, so I had no one to push me, and no one to draft off of, and I was so cold that I just felt very very stiff. I'm not really sure why, because I had done an entire 1400m so far, but whatever. My legs just didn't want to work. And it was all the last lap of the 1200 too, because I hit the 800 at 3:13, which was pretty much exactly where I needed to be. So yeah. I wasn't happy with a 4:56, but I guess it's better than I should expect out of myself.
I still just can't picture myself being like, second or third on the team. Like, other people may see it that way, but in my head, that is just not me. In my head, I'm so afraid that I'll have a bad day or the anemia will start to take effect again, and everything will all be gone. I'm just not sure of anything anymore, and I still surprise myself every time I go out to run, mainly. Like, all I was thinking about all day was "How am I going to run a 4:48 1200?" and then I go and run a 4:44, and I'm like "Wow."
I dunno. It's just going to take some time for me to get it back in my head that I'm not the slowest person on the team, and I'm not just hanging on by a thread, and I am stronger than I think I am. But I can keep telling myself these things, and not really believe them.
I just don't know. I'm really scared. And I'm having difficulty balancing out myself as a marathoner and a potential scoring two-miler. Like, I really can't do both. I was planning on not running indoor at all, but now I'm starting to realize that unless I keep up with developing my two-mile skills right now, everyone else is going to be waaay ahead of me come outdoor (not like they won't be already). But if I don't get my necessary mileage in for my marathon, I probably won't be able to do it, and the marathon is what I really want in life. But if I put in too many miles, I'm not going to be the necessary speed work in or I'm going to be too tired to perform well and UGH I just don't know anymore. I'm just confused and anxious and not sure which way to go, and time is just running out for both things and I just feel so torn. And all I can do is just run, and hope things turn out.
And hope that I don't get injured. And hope that my left foot doesn't get gangrene and fall off. That blister just isn't healing.
Man, I need to eat more too. I was really planning on trying to cut weight this week, but nooooo, now I have to eat carbs and protein like a cow so that come Tuesday my muscles won't be on empty.
This is just getting too complicated.